1001 things I've learned from watching horror movies

[caffeinated.joy]

100. The masked psycho will never be able to move faster than an ambling, semi-limping shuffle, but will somehow always manage to keep up with you, no matter how fast you can run.

[DaSpecial1]

101. Pet reincarnation is a huge no-no. Let Snowball & Rover rest in peace.

[SenkoTwiik]

102. If you call your dog into the house and he doesn't come in, DON'T go looking for him...especially if you live at the border of a forest.

103. If you have just moved into a new house, and there happens to be a fridge in the basement, don't open it. You don't want to know.

104. If your boyfriend is at all attractive, he's probably a psycho.

[Glamily]

105. Don't get out the car if it appears that someone else has broken down, or you have broken down. Its like signing your own death certificate.

106. If trapped during a storm, grab all the knives, guns and things that can be used as weapons. Yes. That means your phone as well.

[SenkoTwiik]

107. If someone puts a bag over your head to kill you, don't struggle and look stupid. Just rip the bag open and take it off your head.

108. If a pair of bloody leather gloves fall out of your boyfriend's jacket, don't believe a friggin word he says.

109. If you run someone over with your car while you and your friends are drunk driving around, make sure to run him over twice, so that you know he's dead. This way he won't come back to haunt you.

[DaSpecial1]

110. If you do run over him twice, go off and dig a grave & then he's missing: A) Assume he's alive
                                                                                                         B) Assume he's coming after you sooner or later.
                                                                                                         C) It's pretty safe to assume he's angry now.




111. Even Jello can turn on you . (The Blob scarred me for life, )

[lovelygoth101]

112. If you find your way into the home of Dracula, listen to his rules so you will become a minion, not dinner.

[Paden]

113. Never offer shaving tips to the man with fur over 90% of his body, it never turns out well.

114. Have a flame thrower in the room with you at all times.

115. Learn how to throw a grenade so it lands in the monster's crotch. It may not kill them but may disable them enough to slow them down quite a bit.

116. Don't let anyone bring a Ouija board into your home, never mind using the damn thing on your own.

117. If a book looks like it's bound with human flesh, burn the sucker with gasoline.

118. DON'T go on a camping trip with a man named "Ash", that's what you could wind up as.

119. Never ever offer Neosporin to that man covered in the bloody bandages, he's past any help that you could offer. Run instead or use the flame thrower mentioned earlier.

120. Don't offer the use of your Little Mermaid to the Monster From the Black Lagoon, he's not interested in seeing Ariel in her clamshell bra. TRUST ME...

121. Don't throw tampons at the scared little thing in the ladies room that has just reached puberty, she will make your life a living hell later on if you do.

122. If you suspect your child is possessed, get all of the split pea soup out of the damn house!

123. If you find that the house you've been offered a great deal on was the scene of a murder, don't buy the damn thing, let alone let your family live there!

124. If your car is acting cranky, don't assume that it is automotive PMS and have a religious personage work with the mechanic.

125. If a guy is over seven feet tall, has a greenish complexion and can't speak well, don't assume he's just suffering from an over-active pituitary gland and food poisoning, get the hell out.

126. Don't assume that Raid is going to take care of those giant ants that invade your picnic, you could be in for an unpleasant surprise if you do.

127. Grab the nearest Marcel Marceau impersonator and throw him at the annoyed monster because even they know that a mime is a terrible thing to waste...

[SenkoTwiik]

128. If your inexpensive new home seems too good to be true...it is.

129. Never mess around with human remains...for any reason. Screw the damn pool!

130. If you're with your child, and the little chap disappears, suddenly no one will know what you're talking about when you ask around about him/her.

131. If your child nearly kills your wife on the way out of her, has dark hair and pale skin while you and your wife are blonds, and he HATES church, suspect something. When he makes his nanny hang herself, take the hint.

132. Hiding in a church is not always the best bet.

[DaSpecial1]

133. Remember to check your newborn's head for numbers.

134.  Sibling rivalry can be deadly.

135.  Remember to check your newborn for curiously message-shaped or portrait birthmarks.

136.  When you haven't seen a man in years yet miraculously find yourself pregnant don't get excited and paint the nursery, seek help--fast.

137.  If you do have said evil spawn, no matter how demonic or grotesque it is--cuddling it will save your life.

138.  That burning feeling in your chest isn't indigestion--grab a towel this could get messy.

139.   Aliens prefer to avoid the stress of childbirth and that's where we come in handy...plus we double as the first snack for the new evilings .

140.  When purchasing a new home try to avoid those built on former burial grounds.

[SenkoTwiik]

141. If your new home is telling you to "Get out", listen to it. Pack up your crap and leave now.

142. If the child you're babysitting tells you that there's a monster in his/her closet, under the bed, or outside...believe them. Don't just laugh, send them to bed and call your sissy boyfriend.

143. If you're going on a date with someone for the first time, they will come to your house. If your dog freaks out and tries to attack him/her...take this as a sign. This person is bad news.

144. If the attractive new girl at school flirts with you, just tell her you're gay. It will save you from being killed and devoured later.

[DaSpecial1]

145. Be apathetic, they never kill the ones who don't give a crap.

[Chaavik]

146. Never adopt a child whose name is Esther.

147. Pets who return from the dead are NOT the pets you once knew. If you see them come back to you in some form, don't let them into the house!

148. If a monster is attacking you just when you try to leave through the front door, do NOT run upstairs! Run to the back where you can leave through the back door.

[caffeinated.joy]

148. Do not bury beloved relatives in the Pet Cemetery referred to in number 147. If it didn't work well for the pets, it certainly won't work for your wife (or infant son). 

[DaSpecial1]

149. Also, try keeping said infant son from playing in the two lane hwy you live in front of...an ounce of prevention and all.