*******REMOVED BY AUTHOR*******
Theraven:
(And you should probably keep from double posting. If the chapter is supposed to continue with the text in that other post, then all you have to do is to use the edit button ;))
Hammie:
Thanks so much. I REALLY appricate all your help. I feel so blond :D
I will post correctly in the next bit of the story.
Bookfreak:
Really good , cant wait to read more ;D
Hammie:
-Something happened to the pix, sorry!-
Zorom:
Uhm...I have really bad eyesight and those paragraphs didn't help at all.
Maybe try this - everytime someone says something, put it on a new line.
For example...
"Ellie, hey, are you alright?" Lola asked, waving her left hand in front of my glasses. I brushed back my unkept caramel hair and huffed my bangs out of my eyes. "I'm fine, Lola, what's up?" Lola's face fell as she brushed my hair out of my face. "You've been standing there for five minutes, Els. One of your eyes rolled back." I blinked, getting my eye proper again.
could be changed to...
"Ellie, hey, are you alright?" Lola asked, waving her left hand in front of my glasses. I brushed back my unkept caramel hair and huffed my bangs out of my eyes.
"I'm fine, Lola, what's up?" Lola's face fell as she brushed my hair out of my face.
"You've been standing there for five minutes, Els. One of your eyes rolled back." I blinked, getting my eye proper again.
"There. Let's go, then."
"Wait," Lola sighed, gripping my shoulder. I turned.
"Ellie, you look paler, and those purple rings around your eyes look darker. Do you feel ill? You're fourteen and only weigh ninety pounds. I'm worried about you." I shook my head.
"I'm okay, really. It's just all the cramming for the maths test."
This makes it A LOT easier to read. Especially for me.
It's a great story otherwise. :) i look forward to new updates.
Navigation
[0] Message Index
[#] Next page
[*] Previous page