Clean Jokes

[Nonni]

Fantastic! I am stealing that one.

[Zooey]

Fantastic! I am stealing that one.

Lol, feel free, I've heard it in Fallout 3, at some robot 

[Theraven]

That's a good one
(We've recently had a recap of atoms and such at school, and we're constantly touching upon it in the anatomy/physiology bit, so I probably found it funnier than I'd normally do - but it is good)

[soulofthesea]

This is one that's been in my head for quite a while:

If Bella Chose Jacob...

So, the other day, I was talking with my friend, a Twilight fan, and she says that Bella should've chosen Jacob instead. That way, she'd have a husband and a pet at the same time. A few days later, and much consideration, I sent her an email with the following questions:

If Bella chose Jacob,...

1. Would Bella feed him dog food or human food?

2. If they went out, would Jacob be OK by himself or would he have to be on a leash?

3. Would he have to be fixed?

4. Does he need obiedence training?

5. If he got sick or was hurt, would Bella take him to the vet or the emergency room?

6. Would it be murder if Jacob was "put to sleep"?

7. Should he have yearly rabies shots?

8. Would he be allowed to use the toilet or would he have to go outside to do his business?

9. If he does have to go outside, would he have to pick up his own leavings?

10. If the family went on vacation, would Jacob be allowed to go with the family, or does he have to stay with the pet sitter?

11. If he died, would Jacob be buried in the backyard, the pet cemetery, or a normal cemetery?

12. Would the dog park Jacob's idea of a family vacation?


Discuss amongst yourselves.

[Theraven]

*rolling on the floor laughing*  

You know, those are very good questions! (honestly - I'm about as far from a Twilight fan as you can possibly go, so I'd go for the dog options, just for the hell of it )

I can't really see the where fascination for Twilight lies. First - the vamps aren't quite vamps. They sparkle. You know what other creatures who often sparkle? Fairies. Twilight vamps are sparkling fairies with an unhealthy appetite for blood. And then there are those who thinks "werewolves" when they hear "Jacob" (I immediately think "Potter" and "stag", but that's me). First of all, he's a shape-shifter who turns into a wolf. There's a difference. Werewolves were said to be cursed, and it's usually a full moon thing. Some creativity is allowed in writing, of course, but taking it out so it becomes laughable? Then you ask for trouble...

[MissBubbles]

HE TOTALLY NEEDS TO BE FIXED. 8D

*cough* just saying, you know...

[Nonni]

HE TOTALLY NEEDS TO BE FIXED. 8D

*cough* just saying, you know...

[caffeinated.joy]

Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love, and got married. The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was EXCELLENT!!!

[Nonni]

Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love, and got married. The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was EXCELLENT!!!

 
Proofreading is a dying art

Taken for the Headlines:

Man Kills Self Before Shooting Wife and Daughter
This one I caught in the SGV Tribune the other day and called the Editorial Room and asked who wrote this.  It took two or three readings before the editor realized that what he was reading was impossible!!!  They put in a correction the next day.   
*********************

Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges
You mean there's something stronger than duct tape?
*********************

Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over 
What a guy!   
*********************

Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers
Now that's taking things a bit far!
*********************

Miners Refuse to Work after Death
No-good-for-nothing' lazy so-and-so's!
*********************

[HappyThoughts]

HAHA Nonni those are hilarious!  Good stuff.

[Nonni]

You may have read this--and forgotten about it!!

AAADD
KNOW THE SYMPTOMS.....PLEASE READ!
Thank goodness there's a name for this disorder.
Somehow I feel better even though I have it!!

Recently, I was diagnosed with A.A.A.D.D. -
Age Activated Attention Deficit Disorder.

This is how it manifests:
I decide to water my garden.
As I turn on the hose in the driveway,
I look over at my car and decide it needs washing.

As I start toward the garage,
I notice mail on the porch table that I brought up from the mail box earlier.

I decide to go through the mail before I wash the car.

I lay my car keys on the table,
put the junk mail in the garbage can under the table,
And notice that the can is full.

So, I decide to put the bills back
on the table and take out the garbage first.

But then I think,
since I'm going to be near the mailbox when I take out the garbage anyway,
I may as well pay the bills first.

I take my check book off the table,
and see that there is only one check left.
My extra checks are in my desk in the study,
so I go inside the house to my desk where I find the can of Pepsi I'd been drinking.

I'm going to look for my checks,
but first I need to push the Pepsi aside so that I don't accidentally knock it over.

The Pepsi is getting warm,
and I decide to put it in the refrigerator to keep it cold.

As I head toward the kitchen with the Pepsi,
a vase of flowers on the counter catches my eye--they need water.

I put the Pepsi on the counter and
discover my reading glasses that I've been searching for all morning.
I decide I better put them back on my desk,
but first I'm going to water the flowers.

I set the glasses back down on the counter,
fill a container with water and suddenly spot the TV remote.
Someone left it on the kitchen table.

I realize that tonight when we go to watch TV,
I'll be looking for the remote, but I won't remember that it's on the kitchen table,
so I decide to put it back in the den where it belongs, but first I'll water the flowers.

I pour some water in the flowers,
but quite a bit of it spills on the floor.

So, I set the remote back on the table,
get some towels and wipe up the spill.

Then, I head down the hall trying to
remember what I was planning to do.

At the end of the day:
the car isn't washed
the bills aren't paid
there is a warm can of Pepsi sitting on the counter
the flowers don't have enough water,
there is still only 1 check in my check book,
I can't find the remote,
I can't find my glasses,
and I don't remember what I did with the car keys.[/]
Then, when I try to figure out why nothing got done today,
I'm really baffled because I know I was busy all day, and I'm really tired.

I realize this is a serious problem,
and I'll try to get some help for it, but first I'll check my e-mail....

[fatedicewolf]

LOL this sounds just like my mom every day. She starts doing so much work around the house at five in the morning then by ten o'clock at night she's like "what the heck happened??? I've been working all day!"

[Nonni]

Here's an oldie but I enjoyed reading it again:

My 1 day employment



So after landing my new job as a
Wal-Mart greeter,
A good find for many retirees, I lasted less
than a day....

About two hours into my first day on the job
a very loud, unattractive,
mean-acting woman walked into the store with her two kids,
yelling obscenities at them all the way through the entrance.
I said pleasantly, 'Good morning and welcome to Wal-Mart.
Nice children you have there. Are they twins?'
The ugly woman stopped yelling long enough to say,
'H*** no, they ain't twins.
The oldest one's 9, and the other one's 7.
Why the h*** would you think they're twins?
Are you blind, or stupid?'
So I replied,
'I'm neither blind nor stupid, Ma'am,
I just couldn't believe someone slept with you twice.
Have a good day and thank you for shopping at Wal-Mart.'

My supervisor said I probably wasn't cut out for this line of work.

[Theraven]

A creative writing class got an assignment to write as compact a story as possible, which had to include the following: Royalty, religion, sex and mystery.

The winner wrote the following:

"Oh my god, I'm pregnant!" said the queen. "I wonder who the father is!"

[DaSpecial1]

Sometimes I wake up grumpy...other times I let him sleep.