This was my fault all because I had said I would give them the money early. Who the hell were they? They never specified. I had done this. My god. If she died if they killed her over my mistake I would never be able to live with myself.
I put my hand to my mouth; I was going to be sick. I quickly ran out of the room and too the ladies. My chest hurt as I vomited again for the third time that day.
My mobile began to ring in my pocket and I wanted to just grab hold of it and smash it against the wall. My body shook as tears began to roll down my face. I pulled my phone out and saw the withheld displayed on the screen. I wanted to scream in frustration I wanted to press no on the accept call button. Be grudgingly I answered I had to.
I didn’t speak as I pressed accept.
“Do you understand me now Vanessa?”
“Why?” I cried down the phone. “Why my grandparents?”
“You weren’t playing properly Vanessa, you needed to be shown the rules.”
“What did they ever do to you?”
“Now Vanessa.” He said ignoring me. “Your lodger, Macey. I want you to go to her flat and evict her.”
“Evict her? Why do you want me to evict her?”
“I ask the questions Vanessa. I set the rules. This is my game, you are my pawn. You decide. Macey’s life or your daughter’s life. You have until thirteen hundred hours.”
I looked at my watch. “But that’s only an hour away; I can’t make it to the gallery by then and what if she isn’t home?”
“Thirteen hundred hours Vanessa.”
I put the phone in my pocket, stood up and punched the wall. “B******, b******.” I punched over and over again until there was blood on the wall. My hand was probably broken, but right at that moment I didn’t care. I had to choose between my best friend and my daughter. There was no choice really, but how was I going to tell Macey to move out? She had no where else to go.
There was a knock on the door to the bathroom. Pain was starting to seep through my knuckles. I clutched it to me as I unlocked the door. The receptionist from earlier was standing there a stern look on her face.
“Excuse me, but what is going on in here?” she looked down at my hand. “I hope you haven’t damaged anything. I will have to call security.”
She pushed past me and looked over the wall. I hadn’t damaged it. Lucky me. I followed her over to her desk and she called for security and a doctor.
The security guy was faster than the doctor, no surprise there. The receptionist told him about the wall and what she assumed I had been doing.
“I’m sorry.” I said. “If there’s any damage I’ll pay. It’s just my grandma.” I was at it again. Tears flowed down my cheeks as I desperately tried to hold them back.
The security guard was an older man. He seemed to take pity on me. “Its nothing a damp cloth won’t sort.” He said to the receptionist before turning to me. “Get that cleaned up and then I suggest you go home to cool down.”
I was made to wait in the waiting room. They wouldn’t let me go back to my grandmother while I was in that mood. They said I had to calm down. I had to go though. I couldn’t wait. I had to go and tell my best friend to get out.
The cab ride to my gallery was hard. The driver kept looking at my hand from his mirror. The knuckles were covered in blood and swollen. I tried to hide it under my other arm but that just hurt.
We finally pulled up outside the gallery. My stomach sank. I couldn’t do this, but I had to. Robin’s life depended on it.
Damn Robin.
I had left her at the hospital. She was with my Grandfather and would be safe, but what if he got her? Picking up the pace I ran into the gallery. I had to get this over and done with and then get back to her. How had I been so stupid as to leave her out of my sight?
Oh god. I had run out on Keller too. He would still be sat outside my grandmothers room waiting for me. Damn, damn and damn. At least he would be safe, but god help me I would be in for a grilling when I went back.
“Vanessa?” said Macey as I burst through the door of her flat. She was painting as normal. Her dark hair streaked with red paint where she had obviously run her hands through it. “My god what’s happened.” She hurried over to me and lifted my sore hand in hers.
She muttered something about a towel and then ran off to her bathroom before I had chance to speak.
“Macey.” I called after her. Please don’t make this harder than it is I silently begged.
“What happened?”
“That doesn’t matter. I came here to talk to you.”
“Vanessa?” she asked as I looked away and bit down on my bottom lip. I had to say it.
“I need you to leave.”
“Leave? I don’t understand. You want me to go out.”
“No I mean leave, the flat, move out.”
“Move out?” she asked shocked. But did I really expect anything else? “Why?”
I took a deep breath, but if I was going to do this then I had to make her want to leave. “It was last night. You knew how much my paintings meant to me.”
“But that…. That wasn’t my fault.”
“It was, the place wasn’t locked. You left it open.” I was crying again now, but not for my paintings I was crying for my best friend and for what I was about to say to her. “Because of you my stuff, my pictures were destroyed. I can’t forgive you for that. I want you to leave.”
“But...”
“No buts. Just get your stuff and go.” I yelled.
“I have no where to go.” She was crying too now and that nearly broke me, but I had to do this for Robin. Her life was more important.
“That is not my problem.”
I turned and walked out as fast as I could, I couldn’t take being there any longer. I chocked back the sobs that were fighting so hard to come out.
I don’t remember getting back to the hospital, but I did.
The same woman was behind the desk, she watched me as I walked towards her. I could almost taste her anger for me. Her eyes stared at me with total contempt.
“Yes.” She said her tone dry.
“I came back to see a doctor and my grandparents my daughter is with them.”
“You can’t go into them. Take a seat and I’ll let your grandparents know you’re here.”
I didn’t say thanks. She had no right to take that tone with me, well actually she probably did after all I had punched hell out of one of the walls, but still.
The other people in the waiting room stared at me like I was some alien. I glared back at them until each one looked away. I was not in the mood.
I saw Keller before he saw me and I put my head down sulking and generally feeling sorry for myself. My hand hurt like hell, I could feel my heart beat drumming through the wounds on my knuckles.
“God Nessa. What happened?” he said grabbing my hand and I flinched as he lightly brushed over the skin.
“I had an accident. Where’s Robin?”
“With your grandfather. What accident?” I avoided his eyes. “Vanessa?”
“Alright, my fist kind of collided with a wall ok? Satisfied?” The woman behind me tuted at my raised voice and I shot her look that told her to keep her nose out.
“You punched the wall?”
“Woo ten points to mr bright and awake here.” I was being rude, I knew I was, but I couldn’t help it. I was angry. I wanted to lash out and Keller was the only one I could unleash it on.
“Would you like me to go Vanessa?” uh oh I was back at my full name, never a good sign. The two people in the world that called me Nessa were my grandfather and Keller and both had stopped using it today. I was certainly in everyone’s bad books.
“I’m sorry Kel. Ignore me. It’s just been one hell of a day that’s all.” I said feeling guilty.
“I understand.”
“How do you do that?”
“Do what?”
“I get all crappy with you and your ok with it. If you did that to me I would be out the door and wouldn’t speak to you for weeks.”
He laughed at that and it was nice to see his smile. “If I did that then we wouldn’t have made it past the age of 9.”
I couldn’t help it; I burst out laughing with him. He was right of course. When I was old enough to form my own opinions, in my view anyway, every one knew about it, regardless as to whether I was right or not.
His arm sneaked around my shoulder and I let him hold me. I leant my head against his shoulder and closed my eyes, just enjoying being comforted.
“Miss King?”
I opened my eyes, keeping my head resting against Keller. Mark stood towering over us. Great
“Would you follow me please?” he said.
I looked down and then at Keller whose face was filled with not hate like I would have expected, but sadness and longing. He looked like the boy I remembered when he thought about his father.
“I’ll stay here.” He said and I went to ask him if he was sure, but then thought against it. Of course he was sure. The last person he would want to be in the same room as was Mark.
“I’ll be right back.” I said and got up averting my eyes like some naughty child.
Mark didn’t say a word to me as I followed him to one of the examination rooms. The room was plain and white like the rest of the hospital. Everything smelt of disinfectant or what ever it was that gave hospitals there smell.
Mark indicated for me to sit down and I did. I rested my throbbing hand across my knees all the while watching Mark and what he was doing. He was purposefully not meeting my gaze, and I was disappointed, although I would never admit that.
He lifted my bleeding hand into his. His own hands covered in white latex gloves. I could feel the strength in his fingers, but encased in the glove his hands felt smooth, almost delicate.
He cleaned my hand with some liquid. I had no idea what it was, more than likely water, but what ever it was it stung. It felt like it was ripping the flesh open as it sank into the cuts. Mark ignored my swearing.
He went through the motions silent unless he had to talk. Only asking me things to do with my injuries such as “can you move your fingers?”
My hand wasn’t broken. Lucky me. But it was going to hurt like hell for a few weeks and I had to rest it.
“When did you come back?” I asked him trying to start a conversation anything to take my mind of my current events.
“About a month ago.”
“Oh.” I was actually surprised, I was disappointed that he hadn’t come and looked me up.
“How are you Mark?”
“I am fine.”
“You can talk to me you know. I won’t bite.”
“Its not you I’m afraid of.” He said catching my eye quickly.
“What’s that supposed to mean?”
“Nothing, forget it. Your hand should be fine, just take paracetamol for the pain. I’ll give you a prescription for an anti inflammatory.” He said changing the subject.
“Mark.”
“Nice seeing you again Vanessa. I have work to do. Say hi to Keller for me”
I stayed where I was as I watched him walk out of the room. I was so confused. First Keller’s back now him. This was like some weird time zone crap. I hadn’t seen either of them for years and now I see both of them again.
I didn’t blame Mark really for the way he was, but that didn’t stop it ticking me off. I had hurt him. Badly. Me, Keller and Mark had grown up together, thick as thieves my grandfather always said. But then I had started seeing Mark, not just as a friend, but as a boyfriend and through uni we had been a couple. Until I wrecked it.
To push Mark away I slept with Keller. Mean I know, but I was drunk and I wanted to end it with Mark. Looks like I succeeded as well.
There was a different woman that the reception when we got to the hospital. She was younger, but her face was stern. Maybe they taught that look in receptionist school as where ever you went they always looked at you like that, and if you rang they gave you the impression that you were disturbing them.
I smiled at her anyway when I got to the desk, Robin close behind me, not holding my hand, another indication that she was not pleased with me. Sometimes I wonder who is the adult in our house.
My grandfather was in with my grandmother who was still sleeping. Her face looked better she seemed to have more colour now and wasn’t as transparent. The machines and wires were still attached to her and bleeping rythmatically next to her.
Robin was sat next to my grandfather. With Ethan and Alex.
“Where’s Keller?”
“He had to go, got some call, but said he would see you later.”
“A call? What was it about?” I asked and yes I was slightly paranoid now whenever anyone got a call.
“Work I imagine. Ethan and Alex are here, Ethan said he would give you a lift home if you needed it.”
“Well I suppose I will have to now my lift has run out on me.”
“What’s going on Vanessa?” he asked.
“Nothing.” I said instinctively. He knew I was lying. He could read me like a book, the only person who had ever managed that.
He sighed and stood up as Robin yawned next to him. “I think this one needs and early night.” He said as Robin stretched and yawned. “Your Grandma’s sleeping. I’ll call you if there is any update.”
“Do you want anything?”
“Honesty.” He said. His blue eyes looked at me as if waiting, but he knew I wouldn’t answer. He appeared to have aged since I saw him a couple of hours ago. He looked tired and run down.
“Oh there was a message left for you when you left.”
“For me?”
“Yes. They called the nurse.” He stretched his hand out and I took the piece of paper from his fingers. ‘08825 665987’
“Can you watch Robin a minute for me?” I said as I walked out of the door.
I dialled the number; it took a while to connect. Network coverage was always awful in hospitals, not that I should have had it on anyway.
“Hello Vanessa.”
“Hello.” My heart sank as I heard the voice, but did I really expect it to be anyone else?
“Change of plans. I want the money.”
“Change of plans?”
“Yes you’re boring me. You will have to play better next time.”
“Ok.”
“It’s the 23rd of August tomorrow. You know where, even you can’t be that stupid. In the pot will be a note with transfer instructions, take it and walk away. Make sure that Robin is with you. If she isn’t then that’s it all games are over and I will kill her, before you even reach her. Tell the police and I will kill her. Tell anyone and I will kill her.”
“I understand.” I said quietly.
“Good girl Vanessa. Noon tomorrow. Don’t be late.”
I clicked end on my phone and looked through the glass at my daughter. I would do this for her and get these people out of my life. I don’t know how they knew the things they knew. The 23rd of August was my mothers would have been wedding day, my fathers date of death. I hadn’t been to their graves since I was little when my grandfather used to take me. I didn’t want to go. My father hadn’t thought me important enough to live so why should I pay respect to him?
He threw himself under a train on their wedding day. Never even said goodbye. Surely if he loved me as much as my grandfather made out then I would have been enough for him to live. Yes he had lost my mother, but with what he did I lost both of them.
I watched as my grandfather kiss my grandmother before coming out to me.
“Hello Vanessa.”
“Hey Grandpa.” He had used my full name that was always a bad sign. Normally it was Nessa or Locky, short for lock ness monster, but when he used Vanessa I knew I was in for a talking to.
“What’s going on?”
“What do you mean?”
He took a deep breath, put his hands together and closed his eyes. “There is something going on Vanessa. I can see it in your face. Look at you. Your hand, you don’t normally punch walls.” He said.
“It was nothing just a temper tantrum.”
“Vanessa you’re lying to me. Is what happened to your grandma to do with all this?”
I turned my back on him and breathed into my clasped hands to calm my self. I looked up to the ceiling but it held no answers for me. Yes Grandpa, some psycho is making me pay one million pounds for my daughter’s life and I have no idea who it is.
I wanted to say that, but didn’t. He would tell me to go to the police and I couldn’t do that. It wasn’t worth the risk. All I had to do was get to tomorrow and it would all be over. I would make it up to everyone after that.
“I can’t tell you, but please don’t worry.”
“Vanessa.” He said his tone now stern.
“Please trust me.” I begged.
My grandfather looked down at his hands and rubbed them together, it was his thing he did when he was thinking. I bit down on my lip hoping that he would drop it. I lifted my eyes up to his level, but kept my head down in shame. Mark was walking towards us along the corridor.
Great.
I straightened my body up, trying to ooze confidence, but inside was nothing but fear and regret. Mark made my stomach do a kind of flip flop when ever I used to see him and it was no different now. His face was perfect, his was perfect, and everything about him was perfect.
“Cade, Vanessa.” He said as he walked right past me and went into my grandmother’s room. My grandfather followed him but I didn’t go in. I didn’t want to be that close to him and I was ashamed that because of me my grandmother was lying in that hospital bed. I had ruined everything.
I now understood how my mother felt. She had kept a diary from when she was a small girl, a present from her uncle Nathan. After he had started her off on the first one she had kept it up through her adult life, even the short one that she had had.
I read so many times the phase ‘I have ruined everything’ it was like her mantra, but she didn’t, not from what my grandfather had told me, instead it was me that had. Done what she had feared.
I sat myself down on the chair outside the room. All these years I always imagined my mother would have been proud of me, a lot of what I did I always thought of her. I didn’t know her physically, but I had read those diaries all of them. I saw her life through her words, her love for my father and for her father. I saw how she had fought so hard to win my dad; it had taken her years to get him. I remember crying when I read that they had finally got together.
Her last entry was the day before she died. She spoke about how happy she was how much she loved my dad and was looking forward to a life of just the three of us. Sometimes the ink on the pages was smudged from where she must have been crying when she wrote. And those times years later I cried with her, for her.
I didn’t notice at first that Mark was stood in front of me, not until he coughed to let me know he was there. I gave him a smile and it was genuine even with everything going on in my life.
“Your grandfather tells me you were broken into the other night.”
I nodded. “Yes, Kel...” I broke off when I realised what I was about to say, but it was too late he had heard it and that raw pain went over his face and into his. It was the same look he gave me nearly seven years ago when he found out that I had slept with Keller.
“I see Keller’s in town then” he said flatly.
“Yes. Mark…”
“Yes?”
“This thing with Keller, when we were all at ...”
He sank his hand into his pocket and sighed. “That’s in the past Vanessa I don’t want to talk about it.”
“But you never let me explain.”
“Explain what? That you had slept with our best friend? What did you want to tell me about it? How good he was? How you both laughed at me for being so stupid not to see what was going on with you two?”
“It wasn’t like that, it wasn’t how you think.”
“Really?” he said. “So you didn’t sleep with him?”
“No.. I that’s not what I meant.”
“Then it is what I think. Do you know that night I was going to propose to you.”
I swallowed hard, hard enough that I was sure he had heard it. “I know that’s why...”
“Forget it Vanessa, it’s in the past and so are we. Goodbye Vanessa.”
“But I…”
He had gone before I had chance to say what I wanted to say. I wanted to explain to him, but I guess I deserved his hatred. Well at least his mother was probably pleased when she heard we had split up, she never liked me. She didn’t like the fact that I was basically an orphan.
“He still loves you, you know?”
My grandfather stood by the door to my grandmother’s room.
“He hates me.”
My grandfather came and sat next to me; he reached over and took my good hand. It was warm and still felt strong just like it used to, not like I had expected
“He loves you Vanessa he always has. The more he loves you the more you keep running; you need to let him catch you.”
“What do you mean?”
“You won’t let anyone in, you never have. I used to watch you three when you were younger. I could see that both Keller and Mark always loved you, but you loved Mark.”
“No I didn’t.”
“Yes you did, you just won’t admit it.”
I picked at the bandage on my hand for a while, that’s what I did pick at things until they broke. “How can he love me?” I said pausing “My father didn’t love me enough to live so why would Mark love me.”
My grandfather pulled me round to him, his face fixed and determined. “Is that what you think? That you’re unlovable?”
I didn’t answer.
“Are you going to spend your whole life alone?”
“Yes. I read how my father treated my mother, I read the pain she went through, then when she died he didn’t even care enough about me, so why should anyone else.”
“Well if we all thought like that Vanessa, then you would never have been born. I had to fight for your grandma too and look at us now. You can’t keep pushing people away.”
“I don’t.”
“Yes you do, even me sometimes.” With that he got up and walked away. I just cried. Was I screwing Robin up being like this? I always thought I was a good mother, but after the last couple of days I wasn’t so sure. She needed a mother who was stable. Not someone who could hurt so many people so easily.
