Murda/Urban Gangstas - 10/23/2007 - Update - The Road Splits In The Courtroom
Veckah:
WOW incredible chapter Vita.
angelyne:
I just started reading this story and I'm blown away. It's certainly the darkest sim storie I've ever read. Your writing is superb. I found myself getting anxious for Raven, as I was reading, worried that she would end up dead. I enjoy the character of Junior, and the whole byplay between him and his father trying to out manipulate each other. I also love the character of Ronnie, the gangster with a heart of gold.
This is the kind of story that I would never pick up either in book form or movie form. I don't like violence, and the ‘mean street’ scene and lifestyle does not speak to me. However your story was sufficiently compelling to draw me in and hold me to the end.
You said you appreciate constructive criticism, so here is mine. There are a few occasions when your story becomes more like an essay on social inequalities or a history lesson. I do agree with your opinion, (and learned a little more history), however I find it detracts from the way the story flows. It even sounds a little preachy at times. Your story would be more powerful if you managed to integrate the points you are trying to make, in the story itself (maybe as background to some of the characters). I know you did this for a few characters, namely the rapist/pedophile/hitman. But that part didn't work for me. He was too evil to elicit sympathy because his grandmother resented him and didn’t get help for his speech impediment. And the bit about how social services couldn't be bothered to help him with his problem turned into a bit of a rant and was distracting. Especially since the reader could not really feel sympathy for him.
You did that previously with Crazy-8's background. Explained a little about what made him tick. That was better, more integrated with the story. It didn't feel like you were moving away from the story into something like.
vita4all:
Quote
FROM ANGELYNE: ...You said you appreciate constructive criticism, so here is mine. There are a few occasions when your story becomes more like an essay on social inequalities or a history lesson. I do agree with your opinion, (and learned a little more history), however I find it detracts from the way the story flows. It even sounds a little preachy at times. Your story would be more powerful if you managed to integrate the points you are trying to make, in the story itself (maybe as background to some of the characters). I know you did this for a few characters, namely the rapist/pedophile/hitman. But that part didn't work for me. He was too evil to elicit sympathy because his grandmother resented him and didn’t get help for his speech impediment. And the bit about how social services couldn't be bothered to help him with his problem turned into a bit of a rant and was distracting. Especially since the reader could not really feel sympathy for him.
You did that previously with Crazy-8's background. Explained a little about what made him tick. That was better, more integrated with the story. It didn't feel like you were moving away from the story...
Angelyne, I really, really appreciate your feedback. It's right on target. I do pretty good essays, court reports, social summaries, etc., and learning how to smoothly weave historical details into a fictional story has been a challenge. One is to not pack too much information in a chapter, because as you said, it's distracting from the story. I'm sure when this hits the editor's desk it'll be trimmed down. I also rushed this chapter. Often I'll sit on one for several days and do many re-writes before putting it out there.
Regarding Wayne, the evil hitman. I wasn't trying to elicit sympathy for him so much as I was trying to explain how a child is born innocent, but living with emotional rejection and abuse as an only child living with one cruel caretaker, plus fear every time he walked to the school bus stop or at school from bullies, has a way of screwing up an individual's head and heart. I probably should have emphasized a little more how isolated Wayne was growing up under those circumstances. Even Raheem could see this, even though he himself had no empathy for him because Raheem's issue is that he's so disconnected from empathy and out for himself that the evil deeds of others don't bother him.
Wayne the hitman grew up with a deadly combination of factors that I've seen in my work, with similiar results. I've seen so much incompetence, budget trimming and callousness working with various public social agencies as an insider that I attempted to point out how the agencies we expect to help, fail over and over again by using band-aide solutions. Sometimes their hands are actually tied because of particular situations of a case and legal limitations of what they can do. The results are tragic: those kids generally descend into a no-man's land of mental illness, hardcore drug addiction, or the kinds of crimes that make you cringe. This is the fault of those who could've done better, but didn't. There are many good helping professionals, like Raven and Chan in the story, and I've known many as well. Some however, shouldn't be allowed to set a foot in an agency, but sometimes these are the people who get promoted and they don't work quite hard enough to get the resources the staff needs to their jobs properly. Happens all the time.
On the other hand, it's not always the fault of family or helping professionals that a child doesn't turn out right. Some people simply develop alcoholism, mental illness or even violent criminal tendencies no matter how much love, luck, support and wealth they've had. This may be one of the mysteries of genetics, but I try not to fall back on the gene theory because one never really knows what another person has been through, often even among your own family and friends.
My 7th grader, in fact, has a classmate who is already a little Wayne, minus the stuttering. He should've been in a residential placement a year ago, but the school system won't want to pay for a therapeutic day school or a residential placement. They're hoping Social Services will, who's biding their time until he picks up a juvie charge so they'll have to foot the bill. Meanwhile she and her classmates have to watch their backs so he won't corner one of them, and his own victims are at risk of becoming future victimizers.
Thank you for giving me constructive criticism. It validated what I already worried about, and helps me slow down to integrate issues in a more readable way and gave me food for thought that will help me do a better job on future chapters. I may even return to that chapter in the future and trim it a bit to make it less essay-ish.
Veckah, Ali and others who emailed me: Thanks for the comments! I'm glad you're enjoying the story.
For those who didn't care for the history of slavery, discrimination, and Raheem's opinion, well, I'm sorry. We can't undo the past by pretending it didn't exist, and there are a lot of people of all races who have some, most or all of the opinions that Raheem held. Listen to what folks are talking about in barbershops, beauty shops, or rap music about class issues and war, or in a HIV clinic (I've done volunteer work there, too) about gender preference discrimination and having their budgets starved. You'll hear the pain and frustration if you listen carefully.
In addition to trying to write an entertaining story, I deal with contemporary issues by throwing out as many different opinions out there as possible, whether the issues are pro-life, pro-choice, religious preferences, gender lifestyles, etc.
To everyone, Keep letting me know your thoughts and opinions, and again, thanks. More to come soon & hugs to all,
Vita
LissaS:
WOW *speechless* aawwwww poor kareem that's my baby, I almost cried when he told Ronnie he misses his dad and I love how Ronnie cares for him it showed his generous side..... that really touched me. And I loved the flashback. I see exactly what Junior's tryna do I like him, always did in some of his ways he reminds me of me as far as his motives, wanting to help his community. Man that was deep I REALLY can't wait for the next chapter. ( please don't make me cry by finding out Kareem has AIDS)
Elven_Song:
Vita, what can I say? Your last three chapters are awesome. I definitely picked up on how you were trying to show how the way people are raised and the things that happen building up to their adulthood affect how they act when they're older and also what lifestyle they choose (or are forced into). I'm glad that you put some history into your story because it makes it very real and makes a point.
Ronnie has been my favorite character since, pretty much the beginning. He's very interesting and has got a lot of backround, and he's linked to most of the characters so everytime we learn something about them we learn something about him as well. I really wish Ronnie's dream would come true, that someday he'll be able to sit with his son and have a family and be happy. He's such a great guy it's sad to see how much he's been caught up in everyone else's messes and his own, as well as Kareem.
Lots of hugs and support!
~Eve
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