Should I Make This Story or not? its called Simuna Beach: The Real SC (Sim county)
Theraven:
and you should concider writing it out more, maybe. those "Brittany: *insert text here*" lines never makes a good story. too much theatre text (you know - lines for actors). if you write them out, it sounds better (let's make an example)
take this:
---
*kristens throwing up*
Brittany: are you ok?
kristen: do I sound ok?
brittany:whatever, do you need a ride to the hospital or something?
kristen: are you sure?, since when do you drive me around?
brittany:since I dont want you throwing up all over the place tomorow, Im expecting a huge turn out, & I dont want them leaving covered in puke.
kristen:whatever, yeah i think i should go see a doctor.
---
and compare it with this:
----
Kirsten felt like she had just threwn up her last ten meals as she dried her mouth with some toilet paper. She did not feel good at all.
Brittany looked in. "Are you OK, Kirsten?"
"Do I sound OK to you, maybe?" Brittany snapped, and looked herself in the mirror.
Brittany shook her head. "Whatever. Do you need a ride to the hospital or something?"
Kirsten stared at Brittany. These were truly new words from her. "Since when did you ever drive me around?"
"Since I don't want you throwing up all over the place tomorow," Brittany answered. "Im expecting a huge turn out, and I don't want them leaving covered in puke."
"Whatever," Kirsten sighed. "Well, I should probably go se a doctor. You sure it's ok?"
-----
Does it sound a bit better? (Remember that this is mostly my writing style. You have to find your own, of course.) If you put some feeling into what you write, it sounds so much better. How people say something, and what they do when saying it is just as important as what they say - even in a written story. theatre lines and *insert action lines here* makes the story boring to read.
miclab312:
I like it. :angel:
I like how you write it too. I personally like to read less and get the point, then do the extra work (im a lazy reader I guess... :) )
But that's just my opinion.
Good story and storyline, I think its cool!
gina942:
koolness thanks for the advice guys :)
gina942:
ok to anyone expecting me to re-write it & stuff, uhh I wont be doing this with the same people & stuff, I deleted them because I lost interest, but I might finish the story later & take pictures & re-write it to make it better, I wont use the same sims, but probably the same idea like laguna beach/the oc
but just so you guys know I get bored like REEAALLYY easily & I might lose interest but since my internet sucks I will have alot of free time & I might write/sim alot these days.
so I dunno..im rambling lol
anyways, just dont have high expectations & dont expect the same thing, Im practicing my writing by trying to write jonas brothers fanfics mostly one shots but still lol
(uhh off topic but, JO BROS ROCKK!! lol)
anyways thanks to everyone who helped out :)
Amira:
It seems good so far. I don't care much for grammar. Keep it up.
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