Insimenator.org

Chapter 1

September 16th
I was reading through this diary and I decided to save it until I was a teenager and starting my first day of school just like my mom did. I feel so weird because my life seems so uneventful compared to my mothers life. She had all this stuff going on, a serious boyfriend who was in college and older than her. She got pregnant with me so young which is something that I really don’t wish on myself because she really had it hard in life but she had so much going on. I barely have anything new to report in my life. It’s been the same old same old for me. I get up and walk my little brother to school then I go to my school and go to class that’s about it. I’m a straight A student who is always on honor roll and I have never really had a “serious” boyfriend. The boy I am seeing now is by far the most serious one I have had yet. He is a nice guy, his name is Jonathan Goodman and he is 16 like me. He grew up here his whole life and we went to elementary school together. He lives about a street over and we used to play all the time my mom even said when were really little around 3 or so we had a fake wedding in our backyard. Mom said we had fake plastic rings and everything. I thought it was kind of weird at the time but now I think it’s cute. Sometimes I secretly think about what it would be like to marry Jonathan. Who knows though we are young and I would really like to go to college before I start a family.
(http://i159.photobucket.com/albums/t158/simsfreak99/The%20Diary%20of%20Kaylynn/snapshot_b33c12fc_93998715.jpg)

September 24th
This weekend has been going so slow. Jonathan is on vacation with his family in Europe (yeah Europe I know, I wish we had the money to go on that kind of a vacation.) so I have had nothing to do all weekend. I finished up all my homework Friday night which left this weekend a blank canvas to do whatever I wanted. So far it’s just been really boring. I’m happy school is back in session tomorrow.

November 2nd
I came home from school early today. I woke up and almost couldn’t get out of bed but I have never missed a day of school since I was 7 and got the chicken pox and my mom made me stay home. Today I was so tired and weak I think I’m getting a cold or the flu. Which really sucks but I’m sure it will go away fast. I have never really been one to get sick.
(http://i159.photobucket.com/albums/t158/simsfreak99/The%20Diary%20of%20Kaylynn/snapshot_b33c12fc_739987b8.jpg)

November 6th
I have been home from school every day this week. I have never felt so sick. Mom says that if I don’t get better this weekend she is going to take me to the doctors. I can’t eat or do anything, I barely have enough strength to hold this pen while I write. I have done nothing but sleep for the past 4 days. Today I had to get up to go to the bathroom and I got dizzy and fell and hit my arm on the bathroom counter, not even 5 minutes later I had a huge bruise on my arm. It hurts so bad. I noticed a bunch of little ones on my legs too. I have no idea where they came from. Well anyway I feel myself getting dizzy again I think I need to go back to sleep. On a good note Jonathon comes home tomorrow. I have missed him so much. I just hope I’m well enough to see him.
(http://i159.photobucket.com/albums/t158/simsfreak99/The%20Diary%20of%20Kaylynn/snapshot_b33c12fc_d3998de8.jpg)

Chapter 2

November 9th[/U]
Well today was probably the worst day of my life. I didn’t want to wake up this morning and mom got really scared. She rushed me to the ER and told them that I had not been feeling well for the past week but she thought it was just a cold that I would get over. They hooked me up to IV’s and everything and took blood from my arm. It really hurt too and now I have a huge bruise there. So we waited in ER for almost an hour and in the mean time mom called dad who had to pick Jacob up from school and take a personal day just to get here. I told mom not to worry them but she wouldn’t listen to me. So when the blood work came back everyone was here sitting on the edges of their seats waiting to hear whatever it was the doctor had to tell us. I knew all I had was a cold and he would give me a prescription and send me home. Boy was I wrong. The doctor a man who called himself Dr. Freemen came in and sat down so he was facing all of us. He looked down at his paperwork and then straight at me and then said the words I was not ready to hear. “Kaylynn you have Leukemia.” After that I zoned out, I don’t remember much of what he told my parents and over my mothers hysterical cries I doubt I could have even heard him if I wanted to. I managed to hear bits and pieces like low white blood cell count and something about T cells. Nothing I could really understand. I finally came out of whatever daze I was in when I heard him mention the word Chemotherapy. I had heard about kids who had to have that, they got really sick and lost all their hair. I wasn’t going to let that happen to me. I tried to protest with him asking him for any other alternative but he said with the advanced state of my cancer that chemo was our best shot at a remission. That’s when it hit me. I have cancer. Its not just some cold that Im going to get over in a few days this is something that will be with me my whole life. Dr. Freemen said that they will try to put my cancer in remission and then after so many years of it not coming back they will consider me to be cancer free. The only thing I can think about is the fact that it can come back. They are transferring me to Memorial Children’s Hospital in the morning. Its about 150 miles away from home but Dr. Freemen says they have the best Oncology unit for children and that they will be able to handle my condition better than County General can. So now I’m here alone while dad gets time off and mom talks to the schools to let them know what is going on with me and so they can get all of Jacobs work for the next week in advance. I asked mom to call Jonathan for me, I wonder if she will. I want him to be here and I want to say goodbye to him before I have to go away.
(http://i191.photobucket.com/albums/z170/ElainaBell20/Kaylynns%20Diary/snapshot_b33c12fc_53a11c6a.jpg)

November 10th
8:45am
The hospital let mom and dad drive me all the way to Memorial. I didn’t want to be in an uncomfortable ambulance the whole way there. Instead mom set me up in the back seat of the van with a pillow and blanket. She had my Ipod and all sorts of books for me to look through and read. Dad drove while mom tried to keep Jacob occupied. I love my brother but sometimes he doesn’t act like an 8 year old. He kept asking lots of questions too about what was wrong with me but mom and dad had no idea how to explain to him that I have cancer. Mom said she talked to Jonathan’s dad and told him what was going on and he would tell Jon when he got home from school last night. I was expecting a phone call or something from him but he never called. I figured maybe he had a lot of homework or maybe he wanted to let me rest. There were a lot of reasonable explanations for why he didn’t call. Well I’m going to rest now I’m really tired and dad says we still have about an hour to go until we get there. Maybe if I sleep we will get there faster and they can tell me that the other doctors were wrong and that I can go home and be a normal teenager again.

3:14pm
Well my dream didn’t come true, I’m still sick and I still have cancer. Mom and dad checked into a hotel down the road from here while they ran more tests on me today. So far everything is the same that it was at County. Now they say that I will start my chemo tomorrow morning. They will hook it up in my IV so I don’t have to leave my room.
I’m nervous and pretty scared. I have no idea what’s going to happen to me. The nurse said that the chemo will make me very tired and sick and eventually my hair will start to fall out. I don’t want to be sick and I don’t want to be bald I want to be me a normal kid going back to school like normal.
(http://i191.photobucket.com/albums/z170/ElainaBell20/Kaylynns%20Diary/snapshot_b33c12fc_93a11e30.jpg)

November 12th
This Chemo stuff is no fun at all. I would have written yesterday but I was so sick and weak I could barely move. I still don’t feel that great but I have nothing else to do and TV is just not that interesting to me right now. I got a roommate today, I don’t know much about him, he is really quiet and he looks to be a bit older than me. All I know is his name is Kevin. I was hoping that they would hold off on having someone share my room since I’m so sick but the nurse said they didn’t have anywhere else to put him. I never realized how many really sick kids there were here. Most of them are younger, a lot of them are just babies younger than Jacob. I feel sorry for them, they haven’t even really gotten the chance to live yet and already they have to worry that they could die.
(http://i191.photobucket.com/albums/z170/ElainaBell20/Kaylynns%20Diary/snapshot_b33c12fc_13a12560.jpg)

November 18th
You would think with me just laying in a hospital bed all day long I would have more time to write but I haven’t really been feeling up to it. I’m getting to know Kevin a little better, he is a nice guy. He is 17 going to be 18 next week; he came all the way here from Utah for the chance to get a liver transplant. He lives with his grandmother who right now is staying at the Ronald Mc Donald house until she can find something more permanent. From the way it sounds they don’t have much money. I wanted to ask him what happened to his parents but I decided not to pry. If were going to be roommates for a while I wanted to be friends not enemies. I told him about my cancer and how I’m on chemo and everything. He probably pretty much could have guessed it from the way my hair was starting to fall out finally. I thought it was going to happen all at once but every time I move my head the wrong way more will fall out. I loose the most when I sleep at night, I try to keep my head still but it’s really hard. I told mom that I just wanted to cut it all off tonight. I hope she will let me.

9:45pm
Well that’s it for my beautiful long locks of red hair. Mom and I decided it was best to just get it over with so tonight we shaved it all off. She wanted to leave a little bit but I saw no point in it when it was all going to come off anyway. Kevin says it doesn’t look that bad and I’m trying hard not to cry in front of him but it’s really hard. I miss my hair.
(http://i191.photobucket.com/albums/z170/ElainaBell20/Kaylynns%20Diary/snapshot_b33c12fc_93a12603.jpg)

Chapter 3

November 24th[/B]
Today was Thanksgiving Day and as much as mom and dad tried to make it special nothing felt the same to me. Sure they brought me turkey and mashed potatoes and cranberry sauce but having to spend it lying in a hospital bed ruined the whole holiday. But it brought on thoughts of Christmas and how it would be in a month when it rolled around and I’m still stuck here. I made it my vow today that I would get better and I would be home by Christmas.

(http://i191.photobucket.com/albums/z170/ElainaBell20/Kaylynns%20Diary/snapshot_b33c12fc_ffdfe344.jpg)
December 2nd
Today was a great day. Well not for me but for Kevin. There was a boy a few years older than him who was killed in a car accident and he had signed the back of his license to make him an organ donor and a compatible donor to Kevin. Right now as I right he is in surgery receiving his new liver. In a few weeks time he would be home and back to his normal self again. He wouldn’t be sick anymore and that makes me happy. He doesn’t deserve to have to be sick. He deserves to be healthy. Every kid deserves to be healthy.
(http://i191.photobucket.com/albums/z170/ElainaBell20/Kaylynns%20Diary/snapshot_b33c12fc_bfdfe3e2.jpg)

December 12th
Today Kevin went home. It was sad because we had become pretty close but I was happy to see him go home. It meant he was well again and that makes me happy. Before his grandma came to pick him up he had a surprise for me. It was the first time I had seen him in street clothes, he looked so cute. He came into the room with a wheelchair and helped me into it. He took a face mask out of his pocket and helped put it on my face. Then as I held on to my IV pole we took a little stroll down the hall and out to the courtyard. It was surprisingly cool out for it being December in California. We stopped under a large willow tree and Kevin helped me onto the bench. We sat there and talked for a long time. He told me how much he cared about me and how much he didn’t want to go back home and never see me again. We talked a lot about ways to stay in touch and about our lives at home. I figured that someone like him would have a girlfriend but he said that the girls never really wanted to hang around with someone who was always so sick. It made me think about Jonathan and how he knew that I was sick but hasn’t even written to me or called me. Kevin noticed that I was shivering and getting cold so he wrapped me up in a hug and for a moment our eyes lingered and then the amazing thing happened. Kevin and I kissed! Not just some little peck on the lips or something like that, it was a long passionate hot kiss, one that I haven’t had in a long time. I was sad for the kiss to end but Kevin had to get going so he didn’t keep his grandma waiting. I hated to say goodbye to him, I miss him already and he has only been gone for an hour.
(http://i191.photobucket.com/albums/z170/ElainaBell20/Kaylynns%20Diary/snapshot_b33c12fc_ffdfe61c.jpg)

Chapter 4

December 15
It’s been 3 days since Kevin went home and he has called me every day since. We have talked about everything including ways for us to make our relationship work. I decided that I’m not going to waist any more time on Jonathan. If he didn’t want me just because I’m sick then I don’t want him. Kevin graduates in 5 months and then he plans to go to college here in California that or start his own rock band with me as lead singer. I told him that he didn’t want to hear me sing. He admitted to me that when I was showering in our bathroom attached to our room he would listen to me singing in the shower and he loved every moment of it. I just cringe at the thought of him listening to that. I suck at singing.
(http://i191.photobucket.com/albums/z170/ElainaBell20/Kaylynns%20Diary/snapshot_b33c12fc_73aba16b.jpg)

December 16
Today I got big big news. I’m doing so well since my chemo treatments that they are letting me go home tomorrow so I will be able to spend Christmas with my family. I called Kevin to tell him right away. He is really the only one I have left to share anything with. Most of my friends totally ditched me when I went into the hospital. Kevin says he has a surprise for me for Christmas. I have no idea how he is going to get it to me but hey whatever floats his boat. I told mom I wanted to get him something. She said she would go pick it out but I’m dying to go shopping. She is worried about me going out but I told her we would go to one store and we wouldn’t spend more than an hour in there. So tomorrow morning as soon as I’m discharged moms going to take me out. I can’t wait.

December 24th
I know it’s been a long time since I have written but things have been getting so much better for me that I’ve kind of been forgetting to write, oopps!! Tonight when we had sat down for Christmas Eve dinner the phone rang and mom said it was for me. Normally she doesn’t let me talk on the phone during dinner but for some reason tonight she did. When I answered it you would not believe who it was…. It was Kevin. He told me that he had a surprise for me and that he needed me to go over to the window in the living room. I looked outside but it was pretty dark and I couldn’t see anything well that was until his face met mine with just a thin pane of glass in between us. I opened the door and jumped into his arms. I was so happy to see him. He came in and ate dinner with us and is now sleeping on the couch downstairs. I kind of want to sneak down there and talk to him but I know dad would flip on me so for now Ill just stay here and dream about him.
(http://i191.photobucket.com/albums/z170/ElainaBell20/Kaylynns%20Diary/snapshot_b33c12fc_b3aba277.jpg)

January 4th
I just got back from getting some blood work done and guess what??? My cancer is in remission!!! I’m not sick anymore. School starts tomorrow and I can finally go back. My hair is starting to grow back in a little too. Mom says the school is allowing me to wear a hat until my hair looks more normal. Kevin is leaving to go back home today too. It was so nice to spend the past week and a half with him. It was nice to have him with me when I got the news about being well again too. He took me out to lunch and to the mall. It was so wonderful. My life is finally turning back around.

January 18th
Jonathan decided to finally come up and talked to me today. He said he was sorry for not talking to me but he was scared that I was never going to get better again. He kissed me and gave me a hug and told me that he would pick me up at 7 tomorrow for the winter dance. I have no idea what I’m going to do. I don’t think I like Jon anymore. I know that I love Kevin and there has to be a big difference between love and like right? I guess I will just go to the dance and see what happens. It couldn’t be too bad, right?

January 20th
The dance was so confusing. Jon picked me up at 7 like he said and brought me flowers and everything. He was being so sweet. At the dance we pretty much danced and he even made sure I was feeling ok just about every 5 minutes. He would sit down with me when I needed to and got me punch. By the end of the night it was like nothing ever happened. We were kissing and hugging and making out like we used to. I don’t know what to do.
(http://i191.photobucket.com/albums/z170/ElainaBell20/Kaylynns%20Diary/snapshot_b33c12fc_73aba4ca.jpg)

Chapter 5

January 25th
I talked to Jonathan today at school. He sat with me at lunch since no one really talks to me now a days. I’m pretty much the freak of the school. I’m the girl who has cancer and no one wants to be friends with me. I hate it. We talked about everything, he brought up why that he didn’t talk to me or anything when I was in the hospital and he told me why. He said that he was trying to distance me because everyone was telling him that I was going to die because I was sick and he didn’t know what he would do if I died. I don’t know what to think of that. Yeah its sweet that he doesn’t want me to die but then again he should have had some faith that I would be ok. It doesn’t make it better that he never talked to me but I understand where he is coming from.
(http://i191.photobucket.com/albums/z170/ElainaBell20/Kaylynns%20Diary/snapshot_b33c12fc_b3ac2ab1.jpg)

February 14th
Today was Valentines Day and by far the best and most confusing one of my life. Jonathan brought me flowers and chocolates to school and told me that tonight he was taking me out to dinner at a nice restaurant and told me to wear the nicest dress I had. I was so happy until I got home to get ready. When I got there mom told me that I had a visitor waiting for me in the family room. I walked in to find Kevin sitting there also holding flowers and candy. He saw me standing there with flowers in my hands already and didn’t say a word to me. He threw what he had on the ground and ran out the door. I picked up the flowers and chocolate and noticed a small white box. Inside was a gold ring with a simple diamond in it. I have no idea what to make of it and he wont answer his phone. I called Jonathan and told him we would have to go out on a different night because I wasn’t feeling well. He said he understands and hopes I feel better. Kevin is so sweet and I think I really do love him but Jonathan is sweet too and I’m not sure if what I feel for him is love or not. I don’t know what to do.
(http://i191.photobucket.com/albums/z170/ElainaBell20/Kaylynns%20Diary/snapshot_b33c12fc_b3ac2b98.jpg)

February 23rd
I finally got Kevin to talk to me today. I told him everything that had happened with Jonathan and he said he was sorry for getting so mad. I asked him what the ring was about and he said that it’s a promise ring. He was going to take me out to dinner and give it to me and ask me to be his girl until we are old enough to make it official. I didn’t know what to say to him. He said I could think about it for a while if I needed to. He asked if he could take me out to dinner on Saturday and I said yes. He said he wants me to help him apartment hunt over the weekend. He is graduating in just over 3 months and he wants to find a place so he isn’t homeless. I agreed to help him. I can’t wait for him to live closer.

February 26th
Kevin found a house!! We were looking on the internet for apartments for sale and we came across a house for rent. It has 2 bedrooms and 1 bathroom; there is a nice kitchen and big backyard. His grandma is going to help him get some furniture and in a few short months I’m going to help him move. I can’t wait. Oh we had a good dinner too. I decided that Kevin is doing so much to be with me and Jonathan barely does anything for me like Kevin does. So I accepted Kevin’s ring and told him that some day I would be his wife.
(http://i191.photobucket.com/albums/z170/ElainaBell20/Kaylynns%20Diary/snapshot_b33c12fc_73ac2c23.jpg)

Chapter 6

March 1st
I haven’t written much because nothing good is really going on in my life right now. I haven’t talked to Jonathan since I accepted Kevin’s ring. He doesn’t really seem interested in me anyway. He has a new target for a girlfriend. Her name is Jessica Jones and she is a preppy cheerleader. I don’t care though because I have Kevin. We talk every day after school, sometimes hours at a time. Mom hates how much it costs in long distance but she won’t yell at me. Dad wasn’t happy when he found out about the promise ring but mom told him that I’m growing up and that at my age she was going through a lot worse than having a little ring on her finger. That’s when dad decided to shut up.

March 12th
I didn’t go to school today. I think I have a cold or something. Whatever it is its really been knocking me on my ass (sorry for the language) Mom said that the doctors all told her that if I were to get sick it would probably effect me more than normal people. I hate when people say things like that because it just reminds me that I’m not a “normal” person. Kevin yells at me when I talk like that because he says that I am normal but I know I’m not.
(http://i191.photobucket.com/albums/z170/ElainaBell20/Kaylynns%20Diary/snapshot_b33c12fc_33aea5b6.jpg)

March 25th
Well I’m back at Memorial again. I went to the hospital in town today because I haven’t been able to eat for 2 days and my fever has been really high. They ran blood work on me and it looks like my remission was short and sweet. I have full blown cancer cells in my blood again. They started me back on chemo and they are looking for alternate ways to help get rid of my cancer. I’m not really sure what that means but I hope they find something quick. I don’t think I can stand this on again off again chemo.
(http://i191.photobucket.com/albums/z170/ElainaBell20/Kaylynns%20Diary/snapshot_b33c12fc_73aea6dc.jpg)

March 27th
I have good news and bad news. The good news is Kevin is taking the week off of school to be with me here at Memorial so I’m not so alone. The bad news is the doctors think the only way to nip this cancer thing in the butt is a bone marrow transplant. Mom and Jacob are being tested as we speak we will know in a few hours if they are compatible donors. I wanted dad to be tested but they said that there is a slim chance that he will be compatible because he isn’t my real dad.

5:43pm
Well the bad keeps getting worse and worse. Mom and Jacob are not compatible and they ran dads blood too and he wasn’t either. Now they will look in the bone marrow registry and see if they find something that way. The doctors say that is my only hope, without finding compatible bone marrow I will die.
(http://i191.photobucket.com/albums/z170/ElainaBell20/Kaylynns%20Diary/snapshot_b33c12fc_13aea748.jpg)

April 12th
Sorry Its been so long since I last wrote. The search for compatible bone marrow has brought up no good news and because of it I just feel so down. I got a new roommate last week, her name is Anna. She has a type of bone cancer that makes it so she needs bone marrow too. She is a nice girl, only 13 years old. As much as I like her I cant help but think that she is my competition. I don't know what blood type she is but what if we are the same and she gets the marrow first? I feel horrible thinking that way but how else am I suposed to think? Should I be happy that I'm damn near dying and she might get my good marrow? I just hate it all!
(http://i191.photobucket.com/albums/z170/ElainaBell20/Kaylynns%20Diary/snapshot_b33c12fc_73c3c6ee.jpg)

April 18th
Sorry about my last outburst, Ive just been so upset lately about everything I had no where to vent so you my faithful diary were subjected to my horrible mind. Kevin graduates in less than a month and I'm so happy about it. Mom and dad have been helping to fix up the house he is renting since there are some major things that need to be done before he can move in permanently. Mostly yard work and a few holes in the walls that needed to be fixed. I helped mom pick out paint chips last weekend for the kitchen and living room. Kevin decided that since I will probably spend a lot of time there that I should get to help decorate plus Kevin says he has no decorating sense at all. Kevin spends every weekend here with me now, I love having him here. He is the only thing that keeps me sane sometimes and he always takes me outside for strolls in the courtyard.
(http://i191.photobucket.com/albums/z170/ElainaBell20/Kaylynns%20Diary/snapshot_b33c12fc_b3c3ca1b.jpg)

April 22nd
Well this will be a short entry, I just wanted to share that my wonderful new roommate is away receiving her bone marrow as I write. Everyone around me is getting better but all I seem to do is get sicker. I GIVE UP!!!!

April 25th
Once again I'm sorry for the outburst, sometimes this cancer gets the best of me. My mom decided to share some interesting information with me that I never knew before. She told me that after I was born she found out by a DNA test that her ex boyfriend who she had always told me was my father really isn't my dad. Mom said she has no idea who got her pregnant the night she was drugged and raped. I know I cant blame her for it but if what I need is a family member to give me the best match for the marrow how will I ever find it if no one knows who my father is. Its all just so frustrating.
(http://i191.photobucket.com/albums/z170/ElainaBell20/Kaylynns%20Diary/snapshot_b33c12fc_13c3c8eb.jpg)

April 27th
I talked to Kevin today and he says he wants to help me find my father. I told him its probably very hopeless but he says there is always a way to do something that means the world to someone. So he said he would talk to a guy he knows that was adopted and see what to do to find someone if we don't have a name. Mom told me that she really has no idea who it was but she would try to help the best she can. I don't think we will find anything but Kevin says its worth a try so I guess we will go for it. I'm going to look up some things on the internet here on my lap top and see if I can find anything even if its just names of the kids in my moms grade it will get me somewhere.
(http://i191.photobucket.com/albums/z170/ElainaBell20/Kaylynns%20Diary/snapshot_b33c12fc_13c3c88a.jpg)