I must say, you have improved a lot now that you have rewritten the story! You still need to improve a little, but I know that your sensitive (I learned that the hard way) so instead I'll just cheer you on

As I said, I DID like it. I was just trying to help her out :/ And she took it the wrong way. Sorry.

What are you talking about? Just because I give you constructive criticism dosen't mean I don't like your story!

Look, if you get depressed whenever someone tries to help you improve a little, you won't get far all that fast. :/ I just tried to help, but oh well

Alright! Time for some constructive criticism!

I know that this just started and there isn't much yet, but I can always come back and give more advice.

First off, I would like to say that the basic idea is very good and original! However, I belive that the story itself could use alot of improvement.

Lets tackle your grammar and spelling first and foremost:

You need to begin every new sentence with a capital letter. This is rather basic and not so hard to do.

There are some spots where you need commas instead of periods, or nothing at all. As a tip as to whenever you should use a comma or a period: If the sentence begins with conjunction (and, or, but, etc.), then use a comma. Wiki article for conjunctions

I have not spotted any spelling errors. However, You can never be too sure

Now, for plot and character development:

The story so far is about equivalent to a skeleton. From the looks of it, you haven't really gave much thought about how the story and characters will develop. The main thing you'll want to focus on would be details. This is also fairly basic and easy to do (provided you know your characters and settings well). All you need to do is take a step back and imagine what your characters see, smell, sense, etc. as well as the setting (History, culture, etc.). This then ties into another matter:

Plot and character development. While this is harder to improve, it plays an important part in the story. For character development, think to yourself: "What is he/she like? What dose he/she like and dislike? How dose he/she feel about this? How dose this affect him/her? How would he/she act, if at all?" For plot development, think: "What direction can I turn this in? What would be equally challenging for my characters? What would be enjoying to read? Dose this have a unique twist to it?"

Becareful not to make characters too similar to you or eachother. This will make the story very boring to read. My fingers are too tired to type much more, so this will be all I have for you for now.

InSIMinator is a must for me, especilly since it lets you adjust their motives all the way up to 100% for those times where there is so little time to satisfy them.
But I suppose that dosn't count seeing as we are probibly all grateful for that I find the Genetics at Genensims and the many items and hacks from Sims Wardrobe to be some of the best stuff out there. Oh, and if Seasons counted as custom content, then I would of listed it too

I have a bunch, actually. So I'll list them from most played to least. (If there is a letter by the number such as 1a and 1b that means their played equally)

1a. Morrowind
1b. Oblivion
1c. Jazz Jackrabbit 2
2. Sims 2
3a. Docking Station
3b. Creatures 3
3c. Furcadia
4. The Ur-Quan Masters (Star Control 2)
5. DOSBox (It's a DOS emulator. All my DOS games are played equally so I just putted DOSBox)
6a. Rayman Raving Rabbids
6b. Monkey Island 4
6c. Zoo Tycoon 1

The rest I either forgotten or don't work anymore (Pets 5 would rank with 1 or 2 if it still worked for example)