Insimenator.org

Hey everybody!!!!
I do not have a clue how to do pictures so this is a whole story without pics unless somebody can tell me how.

                                           Why me?

Dear diary,
Today started out great!!!I played in the school's new playground.There is a new girl at school.She looks funny.Pale white skin.Red eyes.Gothic clothes.She is different from everybody that has peach or brown skin.Nobody has red eyes.And nobody looks gothy.Tomorrow is my second day of first graid.Ms.Heeder sownds
okay. She is going to hav a bay be.Scool is purfect.Wat a purfect scool I theenk .
Dear diary,
Today is my birthday.I am now 16.16!!Wow!Today was the worst.I was teased.My mom is cheating.My dad is going to lose his job.My brother went to military school.The headmaster came and rejected me.
My mom is coming to check on me.Gotta go!
Mary Hinders

Dear diary,
Mom and dad are separated and I now live with daddy.I miss my mom.I have 18 already and the new teacher is o-k.The most popular girl likes him.Oops!Dad is coming.Later!!
Mary Hinders

"Well well."said Sarah,the most popular girl in school,"What do we have here.Looks like a girl from the dump.You know your never going to get a boyfriend."Mr.Reed is coming.He is the o-k teacher.The new one."Hey hottie!"said Sarah.He walked past her and came to me and whispered,"meet me in my classroom after school."He gave me a note.

one teh first part it says she is in 1st grade then it says she is 16

She loses things.

Dear Diary,
I got to go and meet Mr.Reed in room #401.
He gave me a note that says,"Meet me in
room #401.We need to talk in private.
After school today please.I think your are hot."
This is just a piece of paper I found that I am
writing on.Gotta go!!The bell will ring any second now.
Mary Hinders

Ring!Ring!School was over and I headed my way to room #401.Way in the back of the school.WAY WAY WAY...back.But his room is actually in the front though I thought.If I read the hand book right, room #401 is the multi-purpose room.Oh well.I continued down and down the halls.Kids started to look bigger and bigger.This college creeps me.I am only 18.I saw him waiting for me.What do you know.It was his classroom.It was switched."What happened to your old classroom?"I knew the answer but I just wanted to be sure."Oh..."He sighed."My old classroom is now the new multi-purpose room.We switched.It is nice back here though."He smiled gleefully."Come in."I walked in and noticed the room was clean and the desks were clean and tidy unlike my homeroom.James University was a great college.Nice 4 story,happy teachers.Nice students....well mostly anyways.....,good food,nice principal.This is my 2nd year here and I am already mad at Sarah."Nice room..."I actually kind of liked it.He showed me where to stand so we can talk."You have a nice body shape you know?"I looked at myself.I did not look nice.I have messy hair..and a short white tee shirt..and ripped up jeans...no wonder everybody teased me.Thankfully the teacher gave me some nice clothes."I had to guess your size."My size was a 8 in juniors.I did not eat much.I was really skinny now that I think of it."It fits perfectly."I said to him as I go back from the restroom.I actually liked it."Your hot for an 18 year old you know?"He gave me a hair band which I thanked him a lot for.I told him,"How old are you anyways?"He said to me very nicely,"I am 20 years old.""Wow!!"He suddenly started to touch my legs and worked his way up."Nice shape for a skinny girl."Once he reached my skirt and gave him little nudge.He got up."Sorry."He then pulled me towards him and before I could talk his lips touched mine and I felt something between us.When I got free I said I had to go but it was too late.He left and shut the door not all the way and whistled joyfully.2 minutes later that strange girl came in and started talking."Nice clothes.Nice body....."We talked and became friends.

Erm...

Well, first off it's very hard to follow. Secondly, 'that strange girl' isn't a very good way to refer to somebody, once again it's confusing. Another thing is that in one part you say she's wearing jeans, then the next that her teacher is close to her skirt.

... I hope you don't take offense to what I'm about to say, but it's mainly to help you out.  Here is what I find hard to follow:

• Your main character seems a bit unfocused.  At the beginning in her first diary entry, she says she's in first grade... then it jumps immediately to her sixteenth birthday... and again to her eighteenth.  If you are going to do something like that, it would probably be helpful to the readers to have a believable date in the girl's diary entry.  That way there'd be less confusion in the beginning.

.

• Another thing about the beginning is that you started having her spell somewhat like a first grader near the end of her first diary entry.  If she really is in first grade, you might want to consider making that whole entry similar to the last few sentences.
  .
  
• Character development is key when drawing in readers.  What you're doing is somewhat on the right track... only it's very rushed IMHO.  I mean, we barely get to know who "Mary Hinders" really is in the beginning without having to re-read some things constantly, and even then it's still a little difficult.  What kind of girl was she in first grade, and as she got older?  What exactly was her home life like, other than her mom cheating on her dad and getting a divorce?  Were they still good parents to her?  What was her brother like to her, mean or nice?  Mary's parents' and brother's relationship with her is something that would also be interesting to know.  Not only those things, but even the secondary characters need more development.  What were they like?  The way you introduced them into the story was... well... a little strange.  Try to make them as believable as your main characters, even though they aren't as important to the story line.  Remember, even though most of them are not, some secondary characters are important to moving the story along, so making them interesting is beneficial.  ;)
  .
  
• Formatting... I'll be blunt about it:  It's not very good.  The dialog in your non-diary entries is very hard for me to follow.  Whenever someone different is talking, it's best to start a new line/paragraph for that person's dialog.

Example:  

"When is the next class going to start?"  I asked James.

"Not sure.  I heard it would be around four this afternoon,"  he replied.

"That late?"

"Yeah.  College sure is a big change from our usual schedule!"

Easier to read, right?  And it's more organized.  This also helps when you're using different subjects in your story.  

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Due to the large variety of nationalities on this board, I won't get into spelling and too many other mechanics unless the author wants that advice.  It isn't really fair if a person's native language wasn't English and they were criticized for misspellings.  Like I said, I'll let it slide unless it's asked for.  ;)

One more thing:  here are a few links for pictures that will help you out:

How to TAKE Pictures! (http://www.insimenator.org/showthread.php?t=19580)

How to:  Post Pictures (http://www.insimenator.org/showthread.php?t=13024)

There are a lot of links and advice in both of these threads that I'm sure will help you.  :angel:

Sorry people,this one will be better....I HOPE!!!


Darkness Shadows


My name is Alice Morrison.
I live in the shadows after my parents died in a fire while I was in kindergarten.
People say that is was no accident.I disagree.I have a mission.A mission of pain for everyone.My mission is too unveil.To unveil a secret I should have found out years ago.To unveil the real story of how my parents died.How they died that awful day.The awful day of Friday,June 18,2000.Today is an anniversary.Today is Friday,June,18,2025.If you are wondering why I went to school in June,was because they put me in summer school.In five minutes will be the exact.The exact day of their death.This is the story.The story of truth,dismissed,love,and tradegies.This is Darkness Shadows of Alice Morrison.

It all started at breakfast.
"Honey,"said Mrs.Morrison.
"Yes mommy."had Alice said.
"We are going to be taking you to summer school."
"Why!"said little 5-year-old Alice in a whimper kind of voice.For she did not want to leave her parents again just because of school.Other than school, she had spent forever with them."I do not want to leave you again!"And little Alice ran into her room and started to cry.For she did not understand why her parents would leave her for they said that they hated summer school when I brought the sheet home for school and said "No!"In a fake friendly voice.It was absolutely fake.And when they got mad at me they said,"Honey go grab some cookies or juice,maybe even some chips.And they would smile.What a fake and unpleasant smile it was.I finally caught my breath to look outside.What I saw brought tears in my eyes.l had seen joyful children playing with their parents.


Continue............