Insimenator.org

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That was hilarious! :D

Hah! That's funny
Can't help but make me feel stupid though.
I think I'll post a reply, just joking of course!

A man is walking down the beach and comes across an old bottle. He picks it up, pulls out the cork and out pops a genie. The genie says "Thank you for freeing me from the bottle. In return I will grant you three wishes." The man says "Great. I always dreamed of this and I know exactly what I want. First, I want 1 Billion dollars in a Swiss bank account." Phoof! There is a flash of light and a piece of paper with account numbers appears in his hand. He continues, "Next, I want a brand new red Ferrari right here." Phoof! There is a flash of light and a bright red brand-new Ferrari appears right next to him. He continues, "Finally, I want to be irresistible to women." Phoof! There is a flash of light and he turns into a box of chocolates.

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Thanks for the chuckle, Carlwashere. I will have to add it to my repetoire.

(Note: This is not a racist joke. It's a terrorist-ist joke.)

Two terrorist men from the Middle East and a redneck from Alabama were walking on the beach together. Terrorist man #1 trips and falls over something, and he notices a bottle sticking out of the ground. He picks it up and attempts to dust it off, when a Genie appears from the bottle, and tells the three men that they can each have one wish. Terrorist man #1 demands the first wish, and since he was the one that accidentally found the bottle, the other two men agree that it's only fair. So Terrorist man #1 says:

"I wish that the entire Middle East was pure again. I wish all Infidels would die, and all that would be left is people that believe like me, that we are supreme."

"Granted" says the Genie. He then looks to the Terrorist man #2, who says:

"I wish for a wall, 800 feet high to be built around the entire new Middle East, to keep out Infidels and protect everyone that is just like Terrorist man #1 and myself."

"Granted" says the Genie. The two terrorists then turn to the redneck with smug grins on their faces.

"Hmmm," says the redneck. "So now there's only people like Terrorist man #1 and #2 in the whole Middle East?"

"Yes" says the Genie.

"And it's surrounded by an 800 foot high wall?"

"Yes" says the Genie.

"Well then, that's a tough one. But I guess I wish you would fill the whole thing to the top with water."

THe smug grins fade from the terrorists' faces.

A son who had been a bit of a rebel his whole life and who had on more than one occasion embarrassed his family, walked into the hospital room where his father lay all hooked up to air and drips. His father was dying and he wanted to tell him that he had started over. Wiped the slate clean and was starting a new life. Leaning forward over the bed he said: "Dad .. dad can you hear me? It's me Pete. Dad?" .. With which his father replied sputteringly: "yes .. please ...just get off my air tube... "


and also

A girl walks into the house very upset. Her dad noticing this asks her what is wrong. "I think Im pregnant dad" she said. Hugging his daughter he said: " Don't worry, tomorrow we'll take you to the doctors .. maybe it's not even yours."

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You guys are killing me!

A blonde was playing Trivial Pursuit one night... It was her turn. She rolled the dice and she landed on Science & Nature. Her question was, 'If you are in a vacuum and someone calls your name, can you hear it?' She thought for a time and then asked, 'Is it on or off?'

I love them all, but Jamie's is my favorite!

A man walks into a bar.


His alcohol habit is ruining his life.

What makes a pirate a pirate?
Because they Arrr!


lol, lame I know but I just couldn't help myself, besides all my other jokes are  1censor

These are plagarized from old friend, Aralie:

These sentences (with all the BLOOPERS) actually appeared in

church bulletins or were announced in church services:

 

 

--------------------------

The Fasting & Prayer Conference includes meals.

--------------------------

The sermon this morning: 'Jesus Walks on the Water.'

The sermon tonight: 'Searching for Jesus..'

--------------------------

Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale.

It's a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Bring your husbands.

--------------------------

Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our community.

Smile at someone who is hard to love.

Say 'Hell' to someone who doesn't care much about you.

--------------------------

Don't let worry kill you off - let the Church help.

--------------------------

Miss Charlene Mason sang 'I will not pass this way again,'

giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.

--------------------------

For those of you who have children and don't know it,

we have a nursery downstairs.

--------------------------

Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir.

They need all the help they can get.

--------------------------

Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church.

So ends a friendship that began in their school days.

--------------------------

A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall.

Music will follow.

--------------------------

At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be 'What Is Hell?'

Come early and listen to our choir practice

--------------------------

Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.

--------------------------

Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.

--------------------------

Please place your donation in the envelope along

with the deceased person you want remembered.

--------------------------

The church will host an evening of fine dining,

super entertainment and gracious hostility.

--------------------------

Potluck supper Sunday at 5:00 PM - prayer and medication to follow.

--------------------------

The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind.

They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.

--------------------------

This evening at 7 PM there will be a hymn singing

in the park across from the Church.

Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.

--------------------------

Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10 AM.

All ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B. S. Is done.

--------------------------

The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the Congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday.

--------------------------

Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM..

Please use the back door.

-------------------------

The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet

in the Church basement Friday at 7 PM..

The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.

--------------------------

Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church.

Please use large double door at the side entrance.

--------------------------

The Associate Minister unveiled the church's new campaign slogan last Sunday: 'I Upped My Pledge - Up Yours'.

I found this on a website somewhere. It's called "If Microsoft Made Cars". Enjoy! :D

At a recent COMDEX, Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated: "If GM had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving twenty-five dollar cars that got 1000 miles to the gallon." In response to Bill's comments, General Motors issued a press release stating: If GM had developed technology like Microsoft, we would all be driving cars with the following characteristics:

1. For no reason whatsoever your car would crash twice a day.

2. Every time they repainted the lines on the road you would have to buy a new car.

3. Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason, and you would just accept this, restart and drive on.

4. Occasionally, executing a maneuver such as a left turn, would cause your car to shut down and refuse to restart, in which case you would have to reinstall the engine.

5. Only one person at a time could use the car, unless you bought "Car95" or "CarNT." But then you would have to buy more seats.

6. Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, reliable, five times as fast, and twice as easy to drive, but would only run on five percent of the roads.

7. The oil, water temperature and alternator warning lights would be replaced by a single "general car default" warning light.

8. New seats would force everyone to have the same size butt.

9. The airbag system would say "Are you sure?" before going off.

10. Occasionally for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door handle, turned the key, and grab hold of the radio antenna.

11. GM would require all car buyers to also purchase a deluxe set of Rand McNally road maps (now a GM subsidiary), even though they neither need them nor want them. Attempting to delete this option would immediately cause the car's performance to diminish by 50% or more. Moreover, GM would become a target for investigation by the Justice Department.

12. Everytime GM introduced a new model car buyers would have to learn how to drive all over again because none of the controls would operate in the same manner as the old car.

13. You'd press the "start" button to shut off the engine.

I loved to church jokes. What's funny is that I could see my church accidentally doing that.
I'll share one that ACTUALLY happened. It's not as ironic as those, but hey, it's a true story.
At the beginning of our service someone from the congregation goes up and says the usual "please tell your cell phones off and dispose of your gum appropriately."
Except instead of gum, he said gun.  ;D
I thought it was funny.  :p

Airbags.  :D
Are you sure?  XD

heheheheheheheh >:D - so true!

 1giggle

There once was an X from place B,Who satisfied predicate P,The X did thing A,In an adjective way,Resulting in circumstance C.

This is one I had to tell in spanish class years ago:

Two mental patients Tom and Bill are in a room when the doctor walks in. The doctor sees that Tom is making funny motions while Bill is hanging upside down from the ceiling. The doctor approaches Tom and asks, "What are you doing?"
Tom replies, "What does it look like I'm doing? I'm sawing wood!"
"Oh," says the doctor. He points to Bill. "What is he doing?"
"That's my friend Bill," said Tom. "He's crazy. He thinks he's a lightbulb!"
The doctor sees that Bill is starting to turn really red in the face. He says to Tom, "If he is your friend, why won't you help him down?"
Tom stops sawing, looks at the doctor and says, "And work in the dark?!"

^ that was. AMAZING! :)

I laughed out loud!

oh, oh - ho! ho! ho! I have to share that with some other friends
Thanks for a great chuckle!

How many people of a specific ethnicity or social group does it take to do a specific task?


A finite amount. One to perform the task, the others to act in a manner stereotypical of their group or ethnicity.

A man has wandered around in the desert for days. His water has run low, and he is near collapsing.
When he is just about to give up, he sees a person coming towards him. A sheik.
"Water..." he mutters, and falls face down in the sand.
The sheik stands there looking at him for a few moments, shaking his head.
"You can find water in the tap over there," he says, pointing. "Now get out of my son's sandbox!"

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My dad told me this one a while back

Wolf and Rabbit didn't agree on something, so to settle their differences, Rabbit says," Who ever knocks more teeth out of another wins!" Wolf agrees and let's Rabbit go first. POW! Wolf falls down and spit out the teeth," How many?" Rabbit asked.
" Thirty four..." Wolf mumbled. Pow he hits the Rabbit," How many?"
" Four!" Rabbit mumbles.
" Why four?" Wolf asks.
" I only have four!" Replied the Rabbit.

This one, I read in the joke book my grandmother has. I gotta ask my mom to send to me( that is if she still want to talk to me because of the divorce issue)

Husband leaves on the business trip. While he is away his wife invites three of her guy friends. Husband comes home a day earlier and his wife panics. She hide three guys in the  canvas bags and sets them outside on the balcony. Husband goes out in the balcony for a smoke and sees the bags," What are those?" he asks.
" Oh my mother came over from country side and brought some things..." His wife answers. Husband kicks one bag.
" Oink Oink!" Bag replies.
" Aha, a pig, we shall make kebab out of you!" Husband says as he kicks another bag.
" Meeeh!" Bag replies.
" A lamb! We will make stew out of you..." he kicks the third bag. Silence. Kicks it again. Silence. Kicks it third time. Still silence. He kicks it forth time and bag yells," Idiot, if its silent, it means it's potatoes!"

A guy is driving around the back woods of Montana and he sees a sign in front of a broken down shanty-style house: 'Talking Dog For Sale ' He rings the bell and the owner appears and tells him the dog is in the backyard.

The guy goes into the backyard and sees a nice looking Labrador retriever sitting there.

'You talk?' he asks.

'Yep,' the Lab replies.

After the guy recovers from the shock of hearing a dog talk, he says 'So, what's your story?'

The Lab looks up and says, 'Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA. In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping.'

'I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running. But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals.' 'I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired.'

The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.

'Ten dollars,' the guy says.

'Ten dollars? This dog is amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?'

'Because he's a liar. He never did any of that stuff.

There's a magician on a cruise ship, and the captain always came to the show every night, and brought this parrot he had every night. The parrot would always ruin the show for the magician saying things like, "He put it in his hat! Bwark!" "It's in his sleeve! Bwark!"

The magician hated this bird. One night, the magician snapped, and pulled out a gun to kill the parrot. The parrot dodged the bullet, which hits a propane tank, and the ship blows up into a million pieces. The only survivors where the magician and the parrot floating on this piece of the ship, and the parrot goes, "Alright, I give up. Where's the ship?"

I am stealing this one.
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Meanwhile, I am stealing that smiley while Sweet Sue bleaches Black Bart into Gandalf the Grey...

There once was a girl from Gent...

Who's nose was slightly bent...

One day I suppose, she followed her nose...

Cuz nobody "nose" where she went.

:P

A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds.

After explaining the commandment to 'honour' thy Father and thy Mother, she asked, 'Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?'

Without missing a beat one little boy (the oldest of a family) answered, 'Thou shall not kill.'

**************************************************************************************

A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales.
 
The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it was a very large mammal its throat was very small.

The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale.

Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it was physically impossible.

The little girl said, 'When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah'.

The teacher asked, 'What if Jonah went to hell?'

The little girl replied, 'Then you ask him'.

Hah! My grandfather once told that joke to my sisters and I once after we had been arguing over something. Amused me to no end.

...and sadly, I don't have any clean jokes to add, since, well...I don't know any that are appropriate for this forum. :P

Shucks!  ;)

Why am I not surprised?  :rolleyes:

--------

My therapist told me the way to achieve true inner peace is to finish what I start.

So far today, I have finished two bags of chips and a chocolate cake.

I feel better already.

--------

A psychotherapist was having a roaring business since he started from scratch. So much so that he could now afford to have a proper shop banner advertising his wares. So he told a kid to paint the sign board for him & put it above his shop entrance.

But, instead of his business building up, it began to slacken. He had especially noticed the ladies shying away from his shop after reading the sign board. So he decided to check it out himself. Then he understood why !

The boy found a small wooden board so he had split the word into the 3 words :

Psycho-
the-
rapist.

----------

A man who had been in a mental home for some years finally seemed to have improved to the point where it was thought he might be released.

The head of the institution, in a fit of commendable caution, decided, however, to interview him first.

"Tell me," said he, "if we release you, as we are considering doing, what do you intend to do with your life?'

The inmate said, "It would be wonderful to get back to real life and if I do, I will certainly refrain from making my former mistake. I was a nuclear physicist, you know, and it was the stress of my work in weapons research that helped put me here. If I am released, I shall confine myself to work in pure theory, where I trust the situation will be less difficult and stressful."

"Marvelous," said the head of the institution.

"Or else," ruminated the inmate. "I might teach. There is something to be said for spending one's life in bringing up a new generation of scientists."

"Absolutely," said the head.

"Then again, I might write. There is considerable need for books on science for the general public. Or I might even write a novel based on my experiences in this fine institution."

"An interesting possibility," said the head.

"And finally, if none of these things appeals to me, I can always continue to be a teakettle."

One day a blonde office worker comes out to the warehouse to walk around. As she is walking she looks up and sees a co-worker hanging upside down from an I-Beam in the ceiling.

She asks "What ARE you doing"?

The co-worker says "I need a few days off but the boss won't let me have them so I'm hanging upside down from this I-Beam acting crazy.

The boss will see me, think I need rest and send me home for a few days".

The blonde says "That won't work...uh ohh...here comes the boss now, you're in for it".

The boss spots the blode looking up and sees the man hanging up there and asks him "Just WHAT do you think you are DOING?!!"

The man says (in a "crazy" voice) I'm a light bulb...I'm a light bulb"

The boss says "Buddy, you need some rest..take the rest of today and tomorrow off and get some sleep".

As he is climbing down he winks at the blonde showing her it worked.

The blonde thinks about this for a moment and starts to follow the man out the door.

The boss asks her "WHERE do you think YOU'RE going?"

The blonde says "I can't work in the dark".
_________________________________________________________
BTW, I don't think that blondes are dumb or anything, but I find these jokes very funny :)

Nine Signs That You Are on a Really Bad Airline

1.) You can’t board the plane unless you have the exact change.

2.) Before you take off, the stewardess tells you to fasten your Velcro.

3.) The Captain asks all the passengers to chip in a little for gas.

4.) When they pull the steps away, the plane starts rocking.

5.) The Captain yells at the ground crew to get the cows off the runway.

6.) You ask the Captain how often their planes crash and he says, “Just once.”

7.) No movie. Don’t need one. Your life keeps flashing before your eyes.

8.) You see a man with a gun, but he’s demanding to be let off the plane.

9.) All the planes have both a bathroom and a chapel.

One year, I decided to buy my mother-in-law a cemetery plot as a Christmas gift... The next year, I didn't buy her a gift. When she asked me why, I replied,"Well, you still haven't used the gift I bought you last year!"
And that's how the fight started.....

Mothers-in-law... better said monsters-in-law :))

A clean joke, eh? Hmm...*ponders*

How about watching one of my exboyfriend's trying to clean? That was a joke in and of itself right there. :P

That will do, Jenna! Should be a real hoot.  1giggle

I know how it is, Jenna... I lost a valuable chinese vase last time I let a boy clean...  :(

When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting to me that I should get it fixed.  But, somehow I always had something else to take care of first, the shed, the boat, making beer. It was always something more important to me. Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point.
When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors. I watched silently for a short time and then went into the house.. I was gone only a minute, and when I came out again I handed her a toothbrush. I said, "When you finish cutting the grass, you might as well sweep the driveway."
 
The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp.

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I think I would have had to join that one... :-[

I usually rinse the dishes with (only) water first, but I have an excuse - our dishwasher (in my apartment) don't wash entirely clean otherwise, and having three people who constantly fill up the sink with dishes, none of us wants to wash up by hand...
My mom is worse than me, and I can't remember seeing her put anything dirty into the dishwasher at home.

When I was six we got a dishwasher. Before that, all three of my sisters and I did the dishes by hand. With seven people in the house, that was a lot of dishes to do! Yeah, we still had to scrape and rinse, but it was better than having fumble fingers me trying so very hard not to drop them as I dried them. One sister washed, another one rinsed, I dried and the third sister put them away. Gah!

Nonni you got me...I totally wash my dishes before I use the dishwasher. Hey it dries them great ok? No I'm not obsessive I promise... :p.

My gran never had a dishwasher in her house. Until I was ten or so, I usually offered to do the dishes for her when I was visiting. I actually thought it was fun...
Whenever she had family members visiting, there was always someone who offered to do it. In fact, they had arguments - the type "I'll do it", "no I'll do it", "No, let me!" (especially my mom and my aunts). Kind of hilarious, in fact  ;D

My mom made all 5 us us kids wash dishes. When my oldest brother got married he told his new wife he would be willing to do any household chore except dishwashing.

Have I shared this one yet?
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The only dishwasher I have is me, so yeah, I always clean them by hand. ;)

I have an awesome dishwasher. Actually, two. They're called my roommates. :P:D

I'm back to doing them by hand and once in awhile my son-in-law lends a hand. Oh well, at least by being the one that does them most of the time, I get to choose the dish soap! I like the ones that smell nice and work great and don't eat the skin off of my hands...

This is a true story:

A little kindergarten girl was asked by her teacher what religion she belonged to. She went home and asked her dad, an old salty sailor.

The next day in class the teacher asked her if she found out what religion she was and she said, "I'm a prostitute."

Paddy and Murphy are in a forest and they spot a sign saying, "TREE FELLERS WANTED", Paddy says to Murphy "Shame there's only two of us"

 1giggle - good one, Joy. I'm stealing it!

When I was a young minister, a funeral director asked me to hold a grave side service for a homeless man with no family or friends. The funeral was to be at a cemetery way out in the country. This was a new cemetery and this man was the first to be laid to rest there.

I was not familiar with the area and became lost. Being a typical man, of course, I did not ask for directions. I finally found the cemetery about an hour late. The back hoe was there and the crew was eating their lunch. The hearse was nowhere to be seen.

I apologized to the workers for being late. As I looked into the open grave, I saw the vault lid already in place. I told the workers I would not keep them long, but that this was the proper thing to do. The workers, still eating their lunch, gathered around the opening.

I was young and enthusiastic and poured out my heart and soul as I preached. The workers joined in with, "Praise the Lord," "Amen," and "Glory!" I got so into the service that I preached and preached and preached, from Genesis to The Revelation.

When the service was over, I said a prayer and walked to my car. As I opened the door, I heard one of the workers say, "I never saw anything like that before and I've been putting in septic systems for twenty years."

*wanted to add one more joke*

Susie's husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months. Things looked grim, but she was by his bedside every single day. One day as he slipped back into consciousness, he motioned for her to come close to him. She pulled the chair close to the bed and leaned her ear close to be able to hear him.

"You know" he whispered, his eyes filling with tears, "you have been with me through all the bad times. When I got fired, you stuck right beside me. When my business went under, there you were. When we lost the house, you were there. When I got shot, you stuck with me. When my health started failing, you were still by my side. "And you know what?"

"What, dear?" she asked gently, smiling to herself.

"I think you're bad luck."

If My Body Were a Car

This is just too funny - scary how true it is!!

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IF MY BODY WERE A CAR...
If my body were a car, this is the time I would be thinking
about trading it in for a newer model. I've got bumps and dents
and scratches in my finish and my paint job is getting a little dull ..
But that's not the worst of it.
My headlights are out of focus and it's especially hard to see things up close.
My traction is not as graceful as it once was.
I slip and slide and skid and bump into things even in the best of weather.
My whitewalls are stained with varicose veins.
It takes me hours to reach my maximum speed.
My fuel rate burns inefficiently.
But here's the worst of it --

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Almost every time I sneeze, cough or sputter, either my radiator leaks or my exhaust backfires!
 
 

Have y'all heard of dihydrogen oxide? Apparently, it's this deadly gas that causes instant death to humans and animals when inhaled. Like, blink-of-an-eye instant death. It also can cause severe tissue damage due to prolonged exposure when it is in it's solid form. Some power and automotive plants and factories have not considered this deadly gas to be a death hazard.

Fifty people were asked to say "yes" or "no" on Proposition 17, a bill that, when passed, will ban dihydrogen oxide from all power plants, automotive plants, and factories. Forty-seven people voted yes to the proposition, two people were undecided, and one person voted no. Why?




"Dihydrogen oxide is another name for water!"

Excellent - I have used that repeatedly and it is a big hit! Thanks.

Here is an oldie but goodie:

A pirate walked into a bar he hadn't been to in some time.
The bartender said, "Hey, what happened? You look terrible."
"What do you mean?" said the pirate, "I feel fine."
"What about the wooden leg? You didn't have that before."
"Well," said the pirate, "We were in a battle, and I got hit with a cannon ball, but I'm fine now."
The bartender replied, "Well, OK, but what about that hook? What happened to your hand?"
The pirate explained, "We were in another battle. I boarded a ship and got into a sword fight.
My hand was cut off and I got fitted with a hook, but I'm fine, really."
"What about that eye patch?"
"Oh," said the pirate, "One day we were at sea, and a flock of birds flew over. I looked up, and one of them pooped in my eye."
"You're kidding, right?" said the bartender. "You couldn't lose an eye just from bird poop."
The pirate replied "It was my first day with the hook."

Wanna hear a dirty joke?  Bob got muddy after working in the garden.
Wanna hear a clean joke?  Bob took a bath with Bubbles.
Wanna hear a dirty joke?  Bubbles is bob's neighbor.

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Noooooooooo!  >:D

But there is another clean joke.  Bob took a cold shower after that. :)

*Admin note: Please don't include the images in quoted text*

These are a few corny ones I ran across.  :D

Q. Why do sea-gulls fly over the sea?
A. Because if they flew over the bay they would be bagels!

Q. What did the water say to the boat?
A. Nothing, it just waved.

Q. Why don't skeletons fight each other?
A. They don't have the guts.

Q. What did the spider do on the computer?
A. Made a website!

I am stealing this one, Stinker and putting it on SS2. Unless you want to?

There I was sitting by myself at the bar staring at my untouched drink. Suddenly, a 6’ 8” tattooed biker steps up next to me and grabs my drink. He then grinned at me and gulped down my drink in one swig. "Well, whatcha gonna do about it?" he says, menacingly, as I burst into tears.
 "Come on, man," the biker says, "I didn't think you'd CRY. I just need to kick someone’s ass, not watch a grown man crying."
"This is the worst day of my life," I say. "I'm a complete failure. I was late to a meeting and my boss fired me. When I went to the parking lot, I found my car had been stolen and I don't have any insurance. I left my wallet in the cab I took home. I found my old lady in bed with the gardener, and then my dog bit me."

"So I came to this bar to work up the courage to put an end to it all, I buy a drink, I drop a capsule in and sit here watching the poison dissolve. Then you show up and drink the whole thing! But enough about me, how's your day going?"

2laugh

LOL Nonni and go ahead steal away

How to Install a Security System:

Works for me.....
---
 
 
1. go to a secondhand store and buy a pair of mens size 14-16 workboots
 
2. place them on your front porch, along with a few copies of Guns and Ammo magazine
 
3. put a few giant dog dishes next to the boots and magazines
 
4. leave a note on your door that reads.....
 
Bubba,
 
Bertha, Duke, Slim and me went for more beer and ammo, be back in an hour. Don't mess with the pit bulls, they attacked the mailman this morning and messed him up pretty bad. I don't think Killer took part, but it was hard to tell with all the blood. Anyway I locked all four of 'em in the house, better wait outside, be right back.
 
Cooter

Music Jokes

What's the difference between a violin and a fiddle?

No one minds if you spill beer on a fiddle.

---------------------------------------------------
How do you make a cello sound beautiful?

Sell it and buy a violin.

---------------------------------------------------
How long does a harp stay in tune?

About twenty minutes, or until someone opens a door.

---------------------------------------------------
What do you get when you drop a piano at an army base?

A flat major.

----------------------------------------------------
What key is the alto flute pitched in?

G, I really don't care either!

---------------------------------------------------
What's the difference between a bad oboist and an SCUD missile?

A bad oboist can kill you.

---------------------------------------------------
A zombie walked into a meat store looking for some brains for dinner. He looked at the selections:

Flute Brains, $1/lb
Tuba Brains, $10/lb
Percussion Brains, $5/lb

Then he saw a sign that read:
Clarinet Brains, $100/lb

He asked the butcher why clarinet brains were so expensive. The butcher replied, "Do you know how many clarinets you have to kill to get a pound of brains?"

--------------------------------------------------
How many saxophonists does it take to change a lightbulb?

Five. One to actually do it, and four to contemplate how John Coltrane would've done it.

-------------------------------------------------
How do trumpet players typically greet each other?

"Hi, I'm better than you!"

-------------------------------------------------
What's the difference between a french horn section and a '57 Chevy?

You can tune a '57 Chevy.

-------------------------------------------------
How do you know when there's a soprano at the door?

She can't find the key, and doesn't know when to come in.

-------------------------------------------------
How many tenor jokes are there?

Only one, the rest are true.

LOL - wicker humor.

A newlywed couple moves into their new house. One day the husband comes home from work and his wife says:

 "Honey, one of the pipes in the upstairs bathroom is leaking, could you fix it?"    Her husband replies: "What do I look like, Mr. Plumber?"


A few days go by then one morning wife says to her husband:

"Honey, the car won't start. Could you check it out?"  Her husband says: "What do I look like, Mr. Goodwrench?"


Another few days go by, and it's raining pretty hard and, as she is carrying the laundry, the wife sees a leak in the roof. Passing the living room she says to the husband lounging on the sofa:

"Honey, there's a leak on the roof! Can you please fix it?"   He replies: "What do I look like, Bob Vila?"

The very next day the husband comes home and the roof is fixed...and the plumbing and the car. He asks his wife what happened.

"Oh, I had a handyman come in and fix them," she responds.

"Great! How much is that going to cost me?" he says, smirking.

His wife says cheerfully:  "Not one cent. He said he'd do it for free if I either baked him a cake or slept with him."

"Uh, well, what kind of cake did you make?" asks the husband.

"What do I look like," she says, "Betty Crocker?"

oh-a-ho-ho-ho
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 2laugh OK, that's a really good one!

For all of those who (thinks they) love snow:
-------------------------------------------------------

The Diary of a Snow Shoveler

December 8
6:00 PM. It started to snow. The first snow of the season and the wife and I took our cocktails and sat for hours by the window watching the huge soft flakes drift down from heaven. It looked like a Grandma Moses Print. So romantic we felt like newlyweds again. I love snow!

December 9
We woke to a beautiful blanket of crystal white snow covering every inch of the landscape. What a fantastic sight! Can there be a more lovely place in the Whole World? Moving here was the best idea I've ever had. Shoveled for the first time in years and felt like a boy again. I did both our driveway and the sidewalks. This afternoon the snowplow came along and covered up the sidewalks and closed in the driveway, so I got to shovel again. What a perfect life.

December 12
The sun has melted all our lovely snow. Such a disappointment. My neighbor tells me not to worry, we'll definitely have a white Christmas. No snow on Christmas would be awful! Bob says we'll have so much snow by the end of winter, that I'll never want to see snow again. I don't think that's possible. Bob is such a nice man, I'm glad he's our neighbor.

December 14
Snow lovely snow! 8" last night. The temperature dropped to -20. The cold makes everything sparkle so. The wind took my breath away, but I warmed up by shoveling the driveway and sidewalks. This is the life!

The snowplow came back this afternoon and buried everything again. I didn't realize I would have to do quite this much shoveling, but I'll certainly get back in shape this way.

December 15
20 inches forecast. Sold my van and bought a 4x4 Blazer. Bought snow tires for the wife's car and 2 extra shovels. Stocked the freezer.

The wife wants a wood stove in case the electricity goes out. I think that's silly. We aren't in Alaska, after all.

December 16
Ice storm this morning. Fell on my butt on the ice in the driveway putting down salt. Hurt like heck. The wife laughed for one hour, which I think was very cruel.

December 17
Still way below freezing. Roads are too icy to go anywhere.

Electricity was off for 5 hours. I had to pile the blankets on to stay warm. Nothing to do but stare at the wife and try not to irritate her. Guess I should've bought a wood stove, but won't admit it to her. God I hate it when she's right. I can't believe I'm freezing to death in my own living room.

December 20
Electricity's back on, but had another 14" of the damn stuff last night. More shoveling. Took all day. Darn snowplow came by twice.

Tried to find a neighbor kid to shovel, but they said they're too busy playing hockey. I think they're lying. Called the only hardware store around to see about buying a snow blower and they're out. Might have another shipment in March. I think they're lying. Bob says I have to shovel or the city will have it done and bill me. I think he's lying.

December 22
Bob was right about a white Christmas because 13 more inches of the white crap fell today, and it's so cold it probably won't melt till August. Took me 45 minutes to get all dressed up to go out to shovel and then I had to poop. By the time I got undressed, pooped and dressed again, I was too tired to shovel. Tried to hire Bob who has a plow on his truck for the rest of the winter; but he says he's too busy. I think the jerk is lying.

December 23
Only 2" of snow today. And it warmed up to 0. The wife wanted me to decorate the front of the house this morning. What is she nuts!!! Why didn't she tell me to do that a month ago? She says she did but I think she's lying.

December 24
6". Snow packed so hard by snowplow, I broke the shovel. Thought I was having a heart attack. If I ever catch the man who drives that snowplow I'll drag him through the snow by his nose and beat him to death with my broken shovel. I know he hides around the corner and waits for me to finish shoveling and then he comes down the street at 100 miles an hour and throws snow all over where I've just been!

Tonight the wife wanted me to sing Christmas carols with her and open our presents, but I was too busy watching for the snowplow.

December 25
Merry -bleeping- Christmas! 20 more inches of the slop tonight. Snowed in. The idea of shoveling makes my blood boil. I hate the snow! Then the snowplow driver came by asking for a donation and I hit him over the head with my shovel. The wife says I have a bad attitude. I think she's a fricking idiot. If I have to watch "It's A Wonderful Life" one more time, I'm going to stuff her into the microwave.

December 26
Still snowed in. Why the heck did I ever move here? It was all HER idea. She's really getting on my nerves.

December 27
Temperature dropped to -30 and the pipes froze, plumber came after 14 hours of waiting for him, he only charged me $1400 to replace all my pipes.

December 28
Warmed up to above -20. Still snowed in. THE WITCH is driving me crazy!!!

December 29
10 more inches. Bob says I have to shovel the roof or it could cave in. That's the silliest thing I ever heard. How dumb does he think I am?

December 30
Roof caved in. I beat up the snow plow driver he is now suing me for a million dollars not only the beating I gave him but also for trying to shove the broken snow shovel up where the sun don't shine. The wife went home to her mother. 9" predicted.

December 31
I set fire to what's left of the house. No more shoveling.

January 8
Feel so good. I just love those little white pills they keep giving me. Why am I tied to the bed?

2laugh Ok, thanks for that Raven, you just curbed my (wistful longing) appetite for snow.

An Irishman goes into the confessional box after years of being away from the Church.
There's a fully equipped bar with Guinness on tap. On the other wall is a dazzling array of the finest cigars and chocolates.

Then the priest comes in. "Father, forgive me, for it's been a very long time since I've been to confession, but I must first admit that the confessional box is much more inviting than it used to be."
 
The priest replies: "Get out. You're on my side.

Okay, the King was walking outside one day, when he noticed a peasant man that looked so familiar he had to stop and talk to him.

The likeness was remarkable... He had to ask him about his parentage. He knew they must be related somehow.

He then preceded to run down a very long list of relatives... but the man did not know any of them.

"Ah....", the King said half smirking, "...Was your mother, by any chance, a maid at the castle?"

"No..." replied the peasant, "but my father was the gardener!"

Nerdy joke coming.

Two atoms walk into a bar. One of them says : "I've lost my electrons!". The other one responds: "Are you sure?". The first atom says : "I'm completely positive!"

Fantastic! I am stealing that one.

Lol, feel free, I've heard it in Fallout 3, at some robot  ;D

That's a good one ;D
(We've recently had a recap of atoms and such at school, and we're constantly touching upon it in the anatomy/physiology bit, so I probably found it funnier than I'd normally do - but it is good)

This is one that's been in my head for quite a while:

If Bella Chose Jacob...

So, the other day, I was talking with my friend, a Twilight fan, and she says that Bella should've chosen Jacob instead. That way, she'd have a husband and a pet at the same time. A few days later, and much consideration, I sent her an email with the following questions:

If Bella chose Jacob,...

1. Would Bella feed him dog food or human food?

2. If they went out, would Jacob be OK by himself or would he have to be on a leash?

3. Would he have to be fixed?

4. Does he need obiedence training?

5. If he got sick or was hurt, would Bella take him to the vet or the emergency room?

6. Would it be murder if Jacob was "put to sleep"?

7. Should he have yearly rabies shots?

8. Would he be allowed to use the toilet or would he have to go outside to do his business?

9. If he does have to go outside, would he have to pick up his own leavings?

10. If the family went on vacation, would Jacob be allowed to go with the family, or does he have to stay with the pet sitter?

11. If he died, would Jacob be buried in the backyard, the pet cemetery, or a normal cemetery?

12. Would the dog park Jacob's idea of a family vacation?


Discuss amongst yourselves.

*rolling on the floor laughing*  ;D

You know, those are very good questions! (honestly - I'm about as far from a Twilight fan as you can possibly go, so I'd go for the dog options, just for the hell of it ;))

I can't really see the where fascination for Twilight lies. First - the vamps aren't quite vamps. They sparkle. You know what other creatures who often sparkle? Fairies. Twilight vamps are sparkling fairies with an unhealthy appetite for blood. And then there are those who thinks "werewolves" when they hear "Jacob" (I immediately think "Potter" and "stag", but that's me). First of all, he's a shape-shifter who turns into a wolf. There's a difference. Werewolves were said to be cursed, and it's usually a full moon thing. Some creativity is allowed in writing, of course, but taking it out so it becomes laughable? Then you ask for trouble...

HE TOTALLY NEEDS TO BE FIXED. 8D

*cough* just saying, you know...

(http://i622.photobucket.com/albums/tt301/debweb2222/Images/Jokes/37213.gif)

Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love, and got married. The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was EXCELLENT!!!

 1tehe
Proofreading is a dying art

Taken for the Headlines:

Man Kills Self Before Shooting Wife and Daughter
This one I caught in the SGV Tribune the other day and called the Editorial Room and asked who wrote this.  It took two or three readings before the editor realized that what he was reading was impossible!!!  They put in a correction the next day.   
*********************

Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges
You mean there's something stronger than duct tape?
*********************

Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over 
What a guy!   
*********************

Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers
Now that's taking things a bit far!
*********************

Miners Refuse to Work after Death
No-good-for-nothing' lazy so-and-so's!
*********************

HAHA Nonni those are hilarious!  Good stuff.

You may have read this--and forgotten about it!!

AAADD
KNOW THE SYMPTOMS.....PLEASE READ!
Thank goodness there's a name for this disorder.
Somehow I feel better even though I have it!!

Recently, I was diagnosed with A.A.A.D.D. -
Age Activated Attention Deficit Disorder.

This is how it manifests:
I decide to water my garden.
As I turn on the hose in the driveway,
I look over at my car and decide it needs washing.

As I start toward the garage,
I notice mail on the porch table that I brought up from the mail box earlier.

I decide to go through the mail before I wash the car.

I lay my car keys on the table,
put the junk mail in the garbage can under the table,
And notice that the can is full.

So, I decide to put the bills back
on the table and take out the garbage first.

But then I think,
since I'm going to be near the mailbox when I take out the garbage anyway,
I may as well pay the bills first.

I take my check book off the table,
and see that there is only one check left.
My extra checks are in my desk in the study,
so I go inside the house to my desk where I find the can of Pepsi I'd been drinking.

I'm going to look for my checks,
but first I need to push the Pepsi aside so that I don't accidentally knock it over.

The Pepsi is getting warm,
and I decide to put it in the refrigerator to keep it cold.

As I head toward the kitchen with the Pepsi,
a vase of flowers on the counter catches my eye--they need water.

I put the Pepsi on the counter and
discover my reading glasses that I've been searching for all morning.
I decide I better put them back on my desk,
but first I'm going to water the flowers.

I set the glasses back down on the counter,
fill a container with water and suddenly spot the TV remote.
Someone left it on the kitchen table.

I realize that tonight when we go to watch TV,
I'll be looking for the remote, but I won't remember that it's on the kitchen table,
so I decide to put it back in the den where it belongs, but first I'll water the flowers.

I pour some water in the flowers,
but quite a bit of it spills on the floor.

So, I set the remote back on the table,
get some towels and wipe up the spill.

Then, I head down the hall trying to
remember what I was planning to do.

At the end of the day:
the car isn't washed
the bills aren't paid
there is a warm can of Pepsi sitting on the counter
the flowers don't have enough water,
there is still only 1 check in my check book,
I can't find the remote,
I can't find my glasses,
and I don't remember what I did with the car keys.[/]
Then, when I try to figure out why nothing got done today,
I'm really baffled because I know I was busy all day, and I'm really tired.

I realize this is a serious problem,
and I'll try to get some help for it, but first I'll check my e-mail....




(http://i622.photobucket.com/albums/tt301/debweb2222/Images/Jokes/b4j6rt.gif)

LOL this sounds just like my mom every day. She starts doing so much work around the house at five in the morning then by ten o'clock at night she's like "what the heck happened??? I've been working all day!"

Here's an oldie but I enjoyed reading it again:

A creative writing class got an assignment to write as compact a story as possible, which had to include the following: Royalty, religion, sex and mystery.

The winner wrote the following:

"Oh my god, I'm pregnant!" said the queen. "I wonder who the father is!"

Sometimes I wake up grumpy...other times I let him sleep.

CHRISTMAS CAROLS (in the Psych Ward)

 1. Schizophrenia --- Do You Hear What I Hear?

 2. Multiple Personality Disorder --- We Three Kings Disoriented Are

 3. Dementia --- I Think I'll be Home for Christmas

 4. Narcissistic --- Hark the Herald Angels Sing About Me ...
 
5. Manic --- Deck the Halls and Walls and House and Lawn and Streets and Stores and Office and Town and Cars and Buses and Trucks and...Trees
 
6. Paranoid --- Santa Claus is Coming to Town to Get Me

 7. Borderline Personality Disorder ---Thoughts of Roasting on an Open Fire

 8. Personality Disorder --- You Better Watch Out, I'm Gonna Cry, I'm Gonna Pout, Maybe I'll Tell You Why

 9. Attention Deficit Disorder --- Silent night, Holy oooh look at the Froggy - can I have a chocolate, why is France so far away?

 10. Obsessive Compulsive Disorder --- Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells

Nice one, Joy!


1giggle

I log onto InSim (HA, I'm logged in forever on this laptop!), and the activity is so mind-boggling, I can't handle it all.....wrong audience.

I'll try again. So, two men walk into a bar.....wait, that joke belongs on ISA, which is probably blocked by my grocery store's free Wi-Fi.

Take three.
For the pro wrestling fans: WWE's Divas and Tag Team divisions.
For the non-fans: Yesterday I had a very productive day of writing my first novel. Halfway done, should finish any day now.

*crickets*


OK, I don't have any good clean joke material. The mic's available for the next person.

Know why Santa has such a great garden?
 
Because he likes to ho ho ho.

*rimshot*

Good one.

Ya think? Well, know how to catch a polar bear?
 
Go out on the ice and cut a circular hole, take a can of peas and put the peas all around the hole. Then, when the bear comes up to take a pea, you kick him in the ice hole.
 
You may groan now.

Oh my.  1giggle

A woman rubbed a bottle and out popped a genie. The amazed woman asked if she got three wishes.

The genie said, "Nope, sorry, three-wish genies are a storybook myth. I'm a one-wish genie. So...what'll it be?"

The woman did not hesitate. She said, "I want peace in the Middle East. See this map? I want these countries to stop fighting with each other and I want all the Arabs to love the Jews and Americans and vice-versa. It will bring about world peace and harmony."

The genie looked at the map and exclaimed, "Lady, be reasonable. These countries have been at war for thousands of years. And I'm out of shape after being in a bottle for five hundred years. I'm good, but not THAT good! I don't think it can be done. Make another wish and please be reasonable.

The woman thought for a minute and said, "Well, I've never been able to find the right man. You know - one that's considerate and fun, handsome and strong and smart, likes to cook and help with the house cleaning, is great in bed, gets along with my family, doesn't watch sports all the time, and is completely faithful in thought and deed. That is what I wish for... a man just like that."

The genie let out a sigh and said, "Let me see the friggin' map again."

 1rofl
I am going to steal this one!