Insimenator.org

People say you don't know heartbreak until you loose a child, but she was more than that to me. She was my life, my dreams, my beautiful baby girl, how could anyone have the heart to take that precious being away from me? Away from this earth and away fromt this life. How could they think i'd have the strength to make it through without her? But now, as the memories surface, the spirits arise...

Chapter 1
A dreaded beginning...

I stood at my bedside, groggy and hardly awake. I couldn't beleive that summer was over. It had been amazing, almost a dream even, but everyone knows all good things come to an end. I was a new student at Selenora High in my junior year, and I was dreading it.
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My parents had insisted I switch schools after the shooting at my old one. 3 seniors and a freshman were killed, I didn't know any of them though, so..I guess that's a good thing.
I stood outside, waiting for the bus to come, my mother still didn't trust me with her car, even though I was 16, big surprise there. My parents have always been overprotective, epsecially since i'm their only child.
Once when I was about 3 or 4 years old, I was invited to this party at an arcade for littler kids, she, of course, tagged along and followed me everywhere, basically holding her hands out as I walked to make sure I wouldn't get hurt. I didn't speak to her for days, I was so embarrased. But i've gotten used to it, my mum just loves me is all.

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School was crazy-hectic, that place was HUGE, at least four times bigger than my old school. I did meet this girl Scarlett though, she seems pretty nice, I told her about my boyfriend Tony, he's a senior this year, but i'll hardly be able to see him, we live nearly 3 hours away.
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she doesn't like to be photographed, but i snuck this one on my way to the bus =]
When I got home that day my mum called me into her room, not thinking much of it, i happily obliged. She sat on the couch, her whole torso was almost limp and her face was a scary pale color. "what is is momma?" I said as I sunk down next to her, placing my hand on her quivering shoulder. She stared at the wall across from us, almost as if in a daze. "baby..." she started, her voice cracking, "I know everything..."
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Chapter 2
a secret revealed...


I was almost confused for a second, and stared at her blankly as a tear rolled down her cheek.
But then my mind raced back, back to that night at the lake with Tony, how silly I was to forget.
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still early in the day, Tony insisted on taking pictures of me while we were there
"...How?..." was all I could muster, and she held out the little stick. My eyes blurred as they filled with tears.
"I thought..." my voice was still not working. "I was emptying your garbage" She said disheartedly, still unable
 to look at me, "this is the absolute last thing I expected to find" She stood up, "i'll tell your father when
 he comes home Brielle, please just...just go" I stumbled out of my parents bedroom and into my own. It was
 inevitable that she would find out, just...not so soon. I was only 4 months along, and hardly showing, what
was to become of me? would my parents accept it? would they send me to live with grandma leman down in
Texas? Or maybe aunt Rosie in Kentucky. Either way would be a disaster, mom would never look at me the
 same again.
My dad, on the other hand, could've lived his whole life without knowing, his job enveloped most of his time, working late and
leaving before I got up for school, if he ever did find out, he didn't make it known.
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My mom said I should probably call Tony, I hadn't even thought about it. I dialed his number as I had so many
times before, the phone trembling in my hand. It rang twice before he answered. "Bri...hi..." he said in an
almost regretfull tone.
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 I couldn't speak, it felt as if someone was squeezing my throat closed. "listen Bri, this isn't working out, I think
we should take a break for a while..." He waited for my response but I couldn't reply, so I slammed the phone
down. Maybe i'd never tell him, maybe he will never know. I sat on my bed, bewildered, how could this have
 happened? I was supposed to be the 'good girl' that everyone looked up to. But now...I was just a slut who's
 parents are going to cringe at the sight of their own daughter on a daily basis.
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I stood and stripped down to my underwear, I wanted to barf. I was disgusted by the sight of my own self,
 that tiny little bump protruding just enough so that you could tell.
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I sighed, it was too late to do anyting now, at least tomorrow was a weekend, I could relax, but I had no
idea what was to come...

Chapter 3
A deadly secret...

I was woken up by a gentle shake from my mom. She looked surprisingly happy. Confused, I sat up, "yeah?" I asked, rubbing my eyes. She gave me one of those 'I Love You' looks and said, "let's talk". I smiled, my mom was truly a rock. She could help me through anything and still put on a happy face, no matter how much it hurt her inside.
"we're gunna get through this baby" she said, still smiling, "but there's options, you c-" I cut her off, "I want to have this baby mom"
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She winced, "if you're sure. We'll call the adoption agency tomorrow and talk to them about finding a good home for the baby, okay?" my smile faded, "no mom, I want to keep it" If there was one thing I was sure of, It was this. She looked at me like she was about to strangle me and sighed, "O.K. baby" she stood up and started to walk out, but stopped, "we'll turn the guest bedroom into a nursery if you want"
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 I smiled and walked over to her, wrapping her into a tight hug, "sounds great mom, I love you so much, I'm sorry-" I stopped as my eyes swelled up with tears. "don't be sorry honey" she said as she backed away, "I love you no matter what happens".
That day started something special between me and my mom, we were closer than before, we sort of...understood each other now, better than we had before.
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The next day my dad didn't come home, which was weird, Saturdays were the only days he actually bothered to spend time at home. Mom started to worry, but truthfully, I could care less. She called his office, but they said they hadn't seen him since Friday. She called his cell but it was busy. She didn't know what else to do, so she started cleaning. It's kind of funny, when she gets really stressed she either cleans, or cooks, and the rest of the world mine as well not be there.
I took this opportunity to sneak up to my room and try getting ahold of him myself. I dialed his number on my cell. I was stunned when a strange woman answered. "who's this?" she asked, I checked the ID on the screen, it was definately my dad's number.
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 "this is Bri..." I said, listening closely, I heard her speaking to someone in the background, "who's Bri?" she whispered. Then I heard the unmistakeable sound of my dad's voice, "Jesus. It's my daughter, hang up. now!" Click, the line went dead.
I just stared at the tiny dim screen, could it be? dad wouldn't cheat on mom...would he? I decided not to say anything, not yet anyway, and I walked back downstairs to my mom, "did you find anything out yet?" I had to know if she knew "yeah, everything's fine, he's just spending a day out with the guys" she smiled, "don't worry, I got on him for not letting us know" I returned her smile, If she only knew...

Chapter 4
truth

The weeks flew by and I could hardly beleive how fat I was getting! Scarlett was the only one at school that didn't stare at me as I walked by, and I loved her for that.
The nursery was almost finished, just a few little details left and it'd be ready!
I had an ultrasound too, everything was perfect, I think it's amazing that they can already tell the sex of the baby, but I didn't want to know.
everything was finally going my way, since summer of course, at least that's what I thought.
One day I came home from school, greeted by the sight of my mother crying her eyes out over a t.v. dinner. "mom! what's wrong?" I said, dropping my backpack to the floor.
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"Bri, your father's not coming home" she said between gasps. "what do you mean mom?" I replied, my voice a whisper. "he...he left us baby, for someone else." So it was true, all this time he was with that woman i'd talked to on the phone. I stared at mom in disbeleif, "momma..." I had no idea what to say. "momma it's okay, we're gunna get through this", the same words she had said to me a couple months earlier. She smiled at me through her tears, "I sure hope so" and motioned to the chair next to her. I sat down and turned to her, and to my surprise, she laughed. "this has been one heck of a year, hasn't it?" I nodded and smiled as I realized I was crying, "it sure has."



This was an EXTREMELY short chapter, I know, but don't worry, chapter 5 makes up for it!

Chapter 5
an unexpected surprise

By now I was nearly 6 months along! Scarlett was over that weekend, like she usually was, we were nearly inseperable by now.
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I freaked out a little bit as I noticed a very mild contraction when I reached into the freezer for some TV dinners, but mom said not to worry unless I had another one. We ate and watched some television before heading off to bed. Everything had pretty much calmed down by this point, but no more than an hour later, I awoke and got up to use the bathroom. As soon as I got there I was hit with a strong pain that wrapped around from back to front, and I started shaking. I made my way back to Scarlett and told her to get my mom, who immediately called the hospital. They told us to get there as soon as we could.
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We arrived about 20 minutes later, and they hooked me up to a fetal moniter. By now I was having regular contractions at 5 minute intervals. As the nurses prepped for delivery, I turned to my mom, "it's too early!" a hoarse, alien voice escaped my lips, and she squeezed my hand, "be brave baby" was all she said.
Nearly 12 and a half grueling hours later, Samantha Paige Leman was born, 3 months premature. She didn't cry when her tiny, frail body emerged. The doctors say she was too weak. I looked over to see a swarm of panicked doctors sorrounding my newborn baby, shouting commands to each other and hooking countless tubes and wires to a nearly lifeless being, that's when I passed out.
I woke up to see my mom sitting in a chair next to my bed, staring off into space. "mom?" I said queitly, almost inaudible. "bri..." she said, at a loss for words, "bri you're up" I nodded, and just then a nurse walked in.
That's when I learned my baby was a little girl, barely alive, but hanging on. I was overjoyed, a girl! I grinned and looked at my mom, who already knew what I was going to name her. It had been a name i'd picked out as a little girl, Samantha Paige.
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She was Taken to the NICU and the only way I could see her, at least for now, was through a huge glass window. She looked so helpless lying there in that incubator, and I just wanted to hold her, whisper in her ear that everything was going to be okay, but they said it would be a few weeks before I could do any of that.
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It was torture coming home without my baby, but Scarlett said everyone at school was praying for us.
Every day I went to visit Samantha, and every day, they'd read of an ever-decreasing list of problems.
Finally, they let me hold her. I smiled as she was placed into my arms for the first time, still covered in tubes and wires. "hi Sammy" I whispered as she opened her eyes, "remember me?"