My first Story A big mistake Chapter 1

[becsjuds]

This is the Hermon Family James and Jinger





We are high school sweethearts who got married right after High School.  We both come from fairly wealthy families so as a combined gift from our parents and friends we got a total of 200000 simolians to start on our own.  We bought a small 1 bedroom home and furnished it but we were lonely.


So I asked "should we have a baby?"  Jinger was shocked.  "We are just married I wanted to wait a year or two." She said.  I said "we saved ourselves for our wedding night we were dateing for 4 years I think we waited long enough for a baby."




Well I suppose we could try and if nothing happens we will wait a few months to a year.




"Do you think it worked" I asked her?   I am always up to keep trying.  She laughed that laugh that makes me melt into little dolops of melted butter.





"James I found out today that we are going to be parents I am PREGNANT"






Jinger was a bit concerned about how big she got so fast.  I told her she was beatiful!






I love pregnancy it is so hot it makes me want you so bad.




"James do you think everything is ok I have gotten so big?!"  It is normal and the babys room is ready I just know we are going to have a baby boy!  We will name him James Jr.




"I cant help it I am worried.  I feel weird.  Stop kissing me something is wrong....."






"Oh no James the baby is comeing it is a month early I dont think we will make it to the hospital!  The baby is comeing now.  Its too early!!!"



Will the baby be ok?  Will the baby make them as happy as James thought or was Jinger right should they have waited.   More to come in chapter 2 of this story.

[Zorom]

It's a sweet story, but confusing. The only thing I think you need to change is this:
When your character says something, put these " quotation marks around it. For example.

So I asked should we have a baby?  Jinger was shocked.  We are just married I wanted to wait a year or two.  I said we saved ourselves for our wedding night we were dateing for 4 years I think we waited long enough for a baby.

Would change to this:

So I asked, "Should we have a baby?"  Jinger was shocked.  "We are just married I wanted to wait a year or two." 
I said "We saved ourselves for our wedding night we were dateing for 4 years. I think we waited long enough for a baby."
You put one to mark where it starts and one to mark where it ends. You see?


  It's a really cute story and I will be reading it again!

[becsjuds]

Ok I will do that thank you

[Zorom]

No probo! I'm looking forward to your best uupdate! 

[DemonOfSarila]

Yeah I'll have to agree that it needs double quote marks, like it in books and stuff. Also, going to a new line/paragraph when switching from one person talking to another person talking.

Also, you need to decide which person to write in. that probably doesn't make much sense....
you should decide if the story is going to be told from a single character's point of view (always using me, I, and we when referring to themselves in the story) which is called first person POV (means Point Of View), or what's called 3rd person POV which means all characters are referred to by name, he, she, they, etc. The exception to both of those is in speech (that parts that should be in double quotes).

that sounds a little confusing.... I'll try an example....

1st person:
I was mad at Bob. He had late me waiting at the train stop for 3 hours. When he finally pulled up, I was ready to exploded.
"Where the heck have you been? You said you would be here forever-ago! I can't wait around on you all day!" I yelled before he had the chance to get out of his truck.
He got out and yelled back at me, "It's none of your business where I've been! Now get in or I'm leavin' you here! It's up to you Jane!"
(end example)

3rd person:
Jane was annoyed at Bob when he finally pulled into the parking lot of the train station, just over three hours late.
"Where the heck have you been? You said you would be here forever-ago! I can't wait around on you all day!" She yelled when he turned off the engine.
Once Bob was out of his car, he yelled back at her, "It's none of your business where I've been! Now get in or I'm leavin' you here! It's up to you Jane!"
(end example)

maybe it's just because not everything is in double quote to show when it's someone talking or not, but you seem to switch between 1st and 3rd and who is the 'I' in 1st person. (Basically that's a I could be wrong)

It is true that some stories use more than one person for the 'I' in 1st person; however, they typically only switch which character it is between chapters. Sometimes because they have lots of characters that are really far apart and don't know what the other is doing for say. Sometimes it's just to give different characters thoughts about different parts of the story. However, going back in the story just to give someone's POV can easily be very boring to reader and is very hard to do (you can do it, but I recommend against it).

You seem to be using James to tell the story a lot, but you also use 3rd person some and used 'We' and 'I' before making it clear which character's POV you were using.

Oh and just some little things that are probably just typo's: always cap the first letter that starts a new sentence that a character is speaking, and put the punctuation inside the quotes. Examples:
you used: "Do you think it worked" I asked her?
better: "Do you think it worked?" I asked.
you used: So I asked "should we have a baby?"  Jinger was shocked.
better: So I asked, "Should we have a baby?"
Jinger was shocked.


but yeah.... I'm not sure what I think of it yet, because I don't much about your story yet. So I guess we'll see as you update. I hope all the stuff about corrections doesn't discourage you or anything.... Just few little things here and there will make it clearer for people who try to read your story, which will help them better understand your story, and the more people who read and understand it, then more people have a chance of liking it. (basically I'm trying to be nice/helpful and I hope I don't come across as being mean)