1000 Things I've learned from watching action movies

[DaSpecial1]

163. The bad guys will never attack until the love scene is over.

164. Also there will always be time for the hero to tell his tear jerking"that's why I do what I do, I need a hug" story to his love interest without being interrupted.

165. On that same note the love interest will always have time to tell her " tragic tale of why I have a broken heart/I'll probably never love again" story.

166. Either 164 or 165 will  usually preceed the hot love scene.

[Theraven]

167. The hero can be dragged after a car for several blocks, at 60 mph, without getting any lasting damages. He doesn't even get bruises.

168. If the hero is wounded, it's usually a sprained ankle, something that can be fixed with a bandage around the chest, or a small bump to the head that usually bleeds and looks lots worse than it really is. If it's a bullet wound, even to the chest, he's usually back on his legs right away.

169. If the hero is with his mates, nothing is serious enough that he can't get on his legs right away. Not even said bullet.

170. However, if there is a pretty woman anywhere near, the damages are all of a sudden far worse, and she has to nurse him back to health because he is all of a sudden near to dying.

171. If he's lying there and being nursed back to health by a pretty woman, 160 is bound to happen sometime. Probably also 163, 164 and 165. Tragically, 162 is usually true, even here.

172. No babies ever come out of these affairs, except if the hero in the end of the movie decides to quit being a hero, and wants to start a family. Baby always comes after the marriage, never before.

173. If soneone dies, they always have the chance to say some well-chosen last words....

[soulofthesea]

174. If a timed bomb is about to go off, the hero always waits until the very last second to defuse it perfectly or let it go "boom!".

175. It doesn't always take a Ph.D. in nuclear physics to defuse a nuclear bomb.

176. The hero is always good at gambling.

[SenkoTwiik]

177. Computer hackers are always maladjusted shut-ins.

178. Hot chicks are always smart, snappy, and good at driving at high speeds.

[Ruffnut]

179. High heels is a must.
180. You can open any door with a nail file.
181. you can always hide from bad guys.

[DaSpecial1]

182. (adding to 174 ) If the hero can't diffuse the bomb it will take less than a millisecond for both him and his love interest to run to a safe blasting distance.

183. The hero will be unharmed even if the force of the blast reaches him. It will even help him by blowing him into his hiding place.

184. The blast won't affect his hearing or anything--the most he will get is super dusty.

185. Action heroes can only have kids that:
       
       A.were killed tragically and/or were kidnapped by the hero's nemesis and
       never heard from again (inspiring their hero roles).

or     B. Are now teens and can't stand them (till they get saved by them and recognize how
        awesome the dad is.)


186. No matter how great the hero is his marriage has ended in divorce which he'll always accept the blame for.

[soulofthesea]

187. The hero's technology guy is somehow old enough to be his father or grandfather, depending on the hero's age.

188. The hero is always in a relationship with/married to a controlling, whiny, totally-out-of-his-league woman in the beginning of the movie, and then proudly breaks up with/divorces her for his prettier and more compatible partner by the end.

[kaoz666]

188: No matter how many shots are fired in a gun fight, no one ever needs to reload unless it's the "critical" gun fight against the main badguy, where the hero miraculously runs out of bullets just as he's gained the upper hand against the antagonist.

189: The hero will always defuse a bomb with exactly 3 seconds left on the timer.

190: At least one car always gets blown up in a chase scene.

191: The antagonist's female henchperson/lover is ALWAYS an expert of Martial Arts or some other form of CQC (Close Quarters Combat).

192: The antagonist's 2nd in command is usually even more morally corrupt then him, he just lacks the "leadership qualities" to be the boss.

193: When facing the protagonist in a fight, the badguys will always fight him one by one (Unless it's Jason Statham or Tony Ja, of which they attack at once, but still get their wigs split...lol).

194: By the end of the film, the character who dislikes the protagonist for whatever minuscule reason always has a change of heart.

195: If the protagonist has some form of mentor at the start of a movie, he either ends up dead or double crosses him by the end.

[Theraven]

187. The hero's technology guy is somehow old enough to be his father or grandfather, depending on the hero's age.

196: or he is this young geeky dude with lots of computers and tech stuff, usually with his own spy car...

[soulofthesea]

197. At least five miuntes of the movie takes place at a casino.

63.  If you can't catch a serial killer hire Morgan Freeman.

198. If Morgan Freeman isn't available, call Sean Connery.

[SenkoTwiik]

(194, so true, Kaoz!)

199. (adding to 183) Even if a bomb's blast is powerful enough to level the SOLID BRICK building that the hero is in at the time, he will not be harmed.

200. There is always one insanely jealous guy who hates the hero. Sometimes this guy will even betray the hero to the enemy, then feel bad and try to save him, thus setting aside their differences.

201. 70's action movies always have just one black man that always says stereotypical yet wise things.

202. During the casino scene, there are always women dressed in expensive clothes standing around either the enemy, or an old man from Texas.

[kaoz666]

201. 70's action movies always have just one black man that always says stereotypical yet wise things.

That character is what's affectionately called the "Token Negro". Even if the black guy is central to the plot or a main character (Like Chris Tucker in Rush Hour and Samuel L. in Die Hard With A Vengeance) they still have "Negroisms"...lol.

[SenkoTwiik]

(Or Samuel L. Jackson in Shaft and Pulp Fiction)

203. The bad guy can kill numerous people with no effect. No missing person's ad, no murder case, no story on the news. No one even notices.

[Ruffnut]

204. Chuck Norris. Nuff said.

[DaSpecial1]

205. For retribution/vigilante justice call Charles Bronson.

206. Criminals always think they're tougher then the hero.

207. They're always wrong resulting in the hero kicking their butts.

208. Even assassins have feelings.