Clean Jokes

[Nonni]

[SenkoTwiik]

That was hilarious!

[Nonni]

You should never have encouraged me, this one is probably gonna get me in trouble:

Brain Transplant
In the hospital, the relatives were gathered in the waiting room while a family member lay gravely ill.
Finally, the doctor came in looking tired and somber. 'I'm afraid I'm the bearer of bad news,' he said, as he surveyed the worried faces.
'The only hope left for your loved one at this time is a brain transplant. It's an experimental procedure, and very risky, but it is the only hope. Insurance will cover the procedure, but you will have to pay for the BRAIN.'
The family members sat silent as they absorbed the news.  After a time, someone asked, 'How much will a brain cost?'
The doctor responded, '$5,000 for a male brain; $200 for a female brain.'  The moment turned awkward. Some of the men actually had to 'try' to not smile, avoiding eye contact with the women.
One man, unable to control his curiosity, finally blurted out the question that everyone wanted to ask, 'Why does a male brain cost so much more than a female brain?'
The doctor smiled at the childish innocence and explained to the entire group, 'It's just standard pricing procedure.... We have to price the female brains a lot lower because they've been used.'

[Carlwashere]

Hah! That's funny
Can't help but make me feel stupid though.
I think I'll post a reply, just joking of course!

A man is walking down the beach and comes across an old bottle. He picks it up, pulls out the cork and out pops a genie. The genie says "Thank you for freeing me from the bottle. In return I will grant you three wishes." The man says "Great. I always dreamed of this and I know exactly what I want. First, I want 1 Billion dollars in a Swiss bank account." Phoof! There is a flash of light and a piece of paper with account numbers appears in his hand. He continues, "Next, I want a brand new red Ferrari right here." Phoof! There is a flash of light and a bright red brand-new Ferrari appears right next to him. He continues, "Finally, I want to be irresistible to women." Phoof! There is a flash of light and he turns into a box of chocolates.

[Nonni]

Thanks for the chuckle, Carlwashere. I will have to add it to my repetoire.

[SenkoTwiik]

(Note: This is not a racist joke. It's a terrorist-ist joke.)

Two terrorist men from the Middle East and a redneck from Alabama were walking on the beach together. Terrorist man #1 trips and falls over something, and he notices a bottle sticking out of the ground. He picks it up and attempts to dust it off, when a Genie appears from the bottle, and tells the three men that they can each have one wish. Terrorist man #1 demands the first wish, and since he was the one that accidentally found the bottle, the other two men agree that it's only fair. So Terrorist man #1 says:

"I wish that the entire Middle East was pure again. I wish all Infidels would die, and all that would be left is people that believe like me, that we are supreme."

"Granted" says the Genie. He then looks to the Terrorist man #2, who says:

"I wish for a wall, 800 feet high to be built around the entire new Middle East, to keep out Infidels and protect everyone that is just like Terrorist man #1 and myself."

"Granted" says the Genie. The two terrorists then turn to the redneck with smug grins on their faces.

"Hmmm," says the redneck. "So now there's only people like Terrorist man #1 and #2 in the whole Middle East?"

"Yes" says the Genie.

"And it's surrounded by an 800 foot high wall?"

"Yes" says the Genie.

"Well then, that's a tough one. But I guess I wish you would fill the whole thing to the top with water."

THe smug grins fade from the terrorists' faces.

[PoppieSkat]

A son who had been a bit of a rebel his whole life and who had on more than one occasion embarrassed his family, walked into the hospital room where his father lay all hooked up to air and drips. His father was dying and he wanted to tell him that he had started over. Wiped the slate clean and was starting a new life. Leaning forward over the bed he said: "Dad .. dad can you hear me? It's me Pete. Dad?" .. With which his father replied sputteringly: "yes .. please ...just get off my air tube... "


and also

A girl walks into the house very upset. Her dad noticing this asks her what is wrong. "I think Im pregnant dad" she said. Hugging his daughter he said: " Don't worry, tomorrow we'll take you to the doctors .. maybe it's not even yours."

[Nonni]

maybe it's not even yours."

You guys are killing me!

A blonde was playing Trivial Pursuit one night... It was her turn. She rolled the dice and she landed on Science & Nature. Her question was, 'If you are in a vacuum and someone calls your name, can you hear it?' She thought for a time and then asked, 'Is it on or off?'

[Katie]

I love them all, but Jamie's is my favorite!

[Stelio Kontos]

A man walks into a bar.


His alcohol habit is ruining his life.

[Dotty Dot]

What makes a pirate a pirate?
Because they Arrr!


lol, lame I know but I just couldn't help myself, besides all my other jokes are 

[Nonni]

These are plagarized from old friend, Aralie:

These sentences (with all the BLOOPERS) actually appeared in

church bulletins or were announced in church services:

 

 

--------------------------

The Fasting & Prayer Conference includes meals.

--------------------------

The sermon this morning: 'Jesus Walks on the Water.'

The sermon tonight: 'Searching for Jesus..'

--------------------------

Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale.

It's a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Bring your husbands.

--------------------------

Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our community.

Smile at someone who is hard to love.

Say 'Hell' to someone who doesn't care much about you.

--------------------------

Don't let worry kill you off - let the Church help.

--------------------------

Miss Charlene Mason sang 'I will not pass this way again,'

giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.

--------------------------

For those of you who have children and don't know it,

we have a nursery downstairs.

--------------------------

Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir.

They need all the help they can get.

--------------------------

Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church.

So ends a friendship that began in their school days.

--------------------------

A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall.

Music will follow.

--------------------------

At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be 'What Is Hell?'

Come early and listen to our choir practice

--------------------------

Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.

--------------------------

Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.

--------------------------

Please place your donation in the envelope along

with the deceased person you want remembered.

--------------------------

The church will host an evening of fine dining,

super entertainment and gracious hostility.

--------------------------

Potluck supper Sunday at 5:00 PM - prayer and medication to follow.

--------------------------

The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind.

They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.

--------------------------

This evening at 7 PM there will be a hymn singing

in the park across from the Church.

Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.

--------------------------

Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10 AM.

All ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B. S. Is done.

--------------------------

The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the Congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday.

--------------------------

Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM..

Please use the back door.

-------------------------

The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet

in the Church basement Friday at 7 PM..

The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.

--------------------------

Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church.

Please use large double door at the side entrance.

--------------------------

The Associate Minister unveiled the church's new campaign slogan last Sunday: 'I Upped My Pledge - Up Yours'.

[soulofthesea]

I found this on a website somewhere. It's called "If Microsoft Made Cars". Enjoy!

At a recent COMDEX, Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated: "If GM had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving twenty-five dollar cars that got 1000 miles to the gallon." In response to Bill's comments, General Motors issued a press release stating: If GM had developed technology like Microsoft, we would all be driving cars with the following characteristics:

1. For no reason whatsoever your car would crash twice a day.

2. Every time they repainted the lines on the road you would have to buy a new car.

3. Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason, and you would just accept this, restart and drive on.

4. Occasionally, executing a maneuver such as a left turn, would cause your car to shut down and refuse to restart, in which case you would have to reinstall the engine.

5. Only one person at a time could use the car, unless you bought "Car95" or "CarNT." But then you would have to buy more seats.

6. Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, reliable, five times as fast, and twice as easy to drive, but would only run on five percent of the roads.

7. The oil, water temperature and alternator warning lights would be replaced by a single "general car default" warning light.

8. New seats would force everyone to have the same size butt.

9. The airbag system would say "Are you sure?" before going off.

10. Occasionally for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door handle, turned the key, and grab hold of the radio antenna.

11. GM would require all car buyers to also purchase a deluxe set of Rand McNally road maps (now a GM subsidiary), even though they neither need them nor want them. Attempting to delete this option would immediately cause the car's performance to diminish by 50% or more. Moreover, GM would become a target for investigation by the Justice Department.

12. Everytime GM introduced a new model car buyers would have to learn how to drive all over again because none of the controls would operate in the same manner as the old car.

13. You'd press the "start" button to shut off the engine.

[Carlwashere]

I loved to church jokes. What's funny is that I could see my church accidentally doing that.
I'll share one that ACTUALLY happened. It's not as ironic as those, but hey, it's a true story.
At the beginning of our service someone from the congregation goes up and says the usual "please tell your cell phones off and dispose of your gum appropriately."
Except instead of gum, he said gun. 
I thought it was funny. 

Airbags. 
Are you sure?  XD

[Nonni]

2. Every time they repainted the lines on the road you would have to buy a new car.

heheheheheheheh - so true!

Except instead of gum, he said gun.