The following is an entry from the "Partners In Crime" contest. I hope you enjoy it. Pics by Buffybot - Story by Mule
CSI: Crawford, TexasFade in to the Miss Crawford Pageant, held in the auditorium of George W. Bush High School in Crawford, Texas. Miss Lorilee Lou-ann Lovett, founder and editor of Galfriend magazine and the pageant's Master of Ceremonies, is at the mic.
Lorilee : And that there concludes tonight's evnin gown portion of this here pageant. Before we start the target shootin competition, we're gonna take us a short recess, so ya'll get up an stretch an go pee or whatnot while the girls all git into more fittin attire.
***
Lorilee goes backstage
Lorilee : You! I always knew it wasn't that you was happy to see me, that you really DID have a gun in yer pocket! No, please don't shoot!!
BANG***
The gun goes off and Lorilee slumps to the floor, slowly dying in a pool of blood. With all the pageant activity backstage, nobody see's the killer's escape.***
Staring David Caruso as Horatio
The Prawn as Dixie Duke
Rod Hammer as Elmer Lee
and Randy Quiad as Cletus***
Horatio : And what do we have here? Caucasion. Probably female. Cause of death? Severe hemoraging of the brain caused by a single bullet wound.
Dixie Duke : Why that's Lorilee Lou-ann Lovett, she does that Galfriend magazine!! I love that mag! An I already bought a lifetime subscription! They better not stop sending it just cause she's dead!
Elmer Lee : Yeah...she won a contest on a website to get to run the magazine. That boobies and more site!! Isn't Galfriend a teen magazine?
Horatio : And you have a lifetime subscription?
Dixie Duke : Hell yeah! It's an awesome mag!
Horatio : Right....Ok...murder in the president's hometown. We're going to be getting alot of heat to solve this quick. Every man, woman, and child within a 500 mile radius is armed. That's our suspect list. Somebody tell me Dick Cheney isn't in town! All right, let's find the evidence. And put an APB out on Chuck Norris, we don't need Walker in here solving this thing before we do.
***
Candace: Officer...?
Horatio: You can call me Horatio
Candace: Officer Fellatio! You need to get that body out of here! I have a contest to run!
Horatio: And you would be.....?
Candace: I'm the pageant Director! Do you realize what a black eye this incident is giving this pageant? Please hurry...
Horatio: Say....aren't you Candace Bergen?
Candace: What?
Horatio: You know, Murphy Brown...In fact...now that I think about it...didn't you play this same role in Miss Congeniality?
Candace: Look...just because I have a few self-esteem issues due to my father's stardom and my own jealousy over his stupid ventrilloquist dummy, which I might add was well documented decades ago on Dick Cavett and Mike Douglass, that doesn't mean I'm a murderer!! You can even ask my therapist!
Horatio : All the same...I don't want you leaving the state...
***
Horatio returns backstage to oversee evidence collection.Dixie Duke: ah - ah - ah - woah!!! There's something wet and slippery on the floor here!!
***
Elmer Lee : And now it's on your backside!
Horatio: Elmer, get a sample of that for the Lab.
Elmer Lee : Sure thing, Fellatio. Hold still Dixie, I'm just gonna....
Horatio : From the floor, Elmer! And the name is Horatio!
***
Elmer Lee : I'll just use this old beer can...hey it is slimy! Like spit!
Dixie: I think I'm gonna to be sick!
***
Horatio: And a two-litre of pepsi...interesting.
Candace : Give me that bottle, Fellatio! It's worth 5 cents deposit!
Horatio : I beg to differ, Miss Bergen. That's only in certain states. Texas is not an eccologically friendly state. It's not worth anything here. Except to me as evidence. That is, unless there's something about it you're
afriad I might find.
Candace : Oh....fine...take the bottle, Fellatio!
***
Back at CSI Headquarters....Horatio: Here Cletus, we found this at the crimescene....
Cletus : Aw, thanks, Fellatio....blurg...oh my....this isn't beer! It's drool! What the hell is your problem?
Horatio : It's evidence collected from the scene! What do you mean when you say.."It's drool?"
Cletus : Just what I said....it's drool...backwash...spit...human saliva...whatever you want to call it!
Horatio : Great...we have a drooler...I wonder how many of THOSE we have in Texas. Well - run some tests and tell me what else you can find out....
Cletus : I detect a faint trace of carbonated water, caffienne, citric acid....needs rum!
Horatio : What?
Cletus : Needs rum! You're drooler drinks alot of coke or pepsi....
Horatio : Interesting....we found a bottle of Pepsi at the scene too.
***
Scenes of Cletus running scientific looking tests....Dixie Duke : Well Cletus...what have you come up with?
Cletus : How the hell am I suppossed to know? I don't know how to run this stuff...I just taste things and sniff things...sniff...sniff...I thought you said you were getting your dog nuetered? Here..maybe you'll have better luck with this stuff than I did....
***
Dixie Duke : Drool huh? So this is what it looks like when yer swappin' spit? Dang there's alot a sick lookin microbes in there! No more kissin fer me...I'm stickin to good ol un-pre-tected sex from now on!
***
Meanwhile - Horatio and Elmer Lee interview pageant contestants. None of them remember anything out of the ordinary. The press on, interview all the contestants until their persaverence pays off. Miss Dolly Ramsey of Sherman's Hardware and Liqour remembers something.....Dolly: Oh yeah...there was one really odd contestant. I mean, odder than humpback Jane anways...I mean...there was this woman with like facial hair...kinda like she needed a shave. Never saw her round these parts before this competition. Kept eyeballing up the other girls and droolin..like maybe she was one of them lez-be-anns or somethin...
***
Later....back at CSI headquarters....Streetcop : Uh, Fellatio...you got some visiters. Calls themselves "Mule" and "Buffybot"....
Horatio : And what can I do for you folks?
Mule : I'm here to confess to the murder of Lorilee Lou-ann Lovett.
***
Horatio : But why? I mean, why confess? And what was your motive?
***
Mule : Lorilee beat Shayna for the magazine contest....I couldn't let that slide!
Buffybot : And at the rate YOU guys were going, this case was NEVER going to get solved! Without a solved case....this story would score really low!
***
Buffybot : Besides, I took the pictures...I put HIM in jail!!
Mule : Um....so what about the REST of the contest???
The End***
When's the next deadline???
