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Author Topic: Anna's Diary  (Read 37519 times)
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Theraven
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« on: January 26, 2008, 11:59:18 pm »

I posted this story a few months ago on sims2community, but... whatever... I'm posting it here, too Cheesy

It's about Anna who meets both happiness and sorrow in her troubled life.

to say it like this: - you don't know life until you've experienced it on both good and bad...

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CHAPTER 1: what's wrong with me?
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Dear diary
My name is Anna. I found this web-page where you can write about yourself, you know, something like a diary that other people can read. So hello, everybody! I’ve been looking for something like this all since I started university two months ago, and I’ve given the address to all my friends at home. I don’t know anybody here yet, except Tiffany. She’s my best friend here, and we share a room in the apartments the school rent out for students. If you wonder, I’m studying maths, English and science, and all of those geeky classes. Maybe I may seem a bit geeky to all of you that don’t know me, but I’m not. Well, I like schoolwork, and I always try to do my best, so maybe I’m a bit geeky. Just maybe. Well, since I’ve got a lot of homework, I have to go back to it now, but stay tuned. I’ll be back!


“Are you finished with the computer, Anna?” Tiffany asked. “I’ve got loads of homework, and I need to use the internet.”


“Yes, I’m finished. I’ve got a lot of homework, too, but mostly maths, and I don’t need the computer for that.” I rose from my chair. Suddenly, I felt really dizzy, and stumbled into the desk.


“Are you all right?” Tiffany asked.
“I think so. I’ve just been feeling dizzy a lot lately. It’s nothing to worry about, I’m fine.”
“Are you sure? You’re pale. And you don’t look too good. I think you need to go see the doctor, or at least lay down.” Tiffany felt my forehead. “And you’re burning up! Go to bed right now! You should skip school tomorrow. You’re sick.”


“No, I’m fine. It’s just hot in here.” I didn’t tell her anything about my stomach being all in an uproar, that my head that was about to explode, and that I felt near to fainting.
“I’m sure it’s just the flu or something, but you need to lie down, Anna, or you won’t get better.”


Tiffany supported me towards the bed, and I lay obediently down under the soft and warm covers, while I tried not to think about all the homework I was supposed to finish.


I really did feel tired, and I’d had troubles concentrating all evening.


I curled up under the covers, and fell asleep almost at once.


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I woke when I heard Tiffany getting herself ready for school the next morning.
“Why didn’t you wake me? I have to go to school!”
“You need to sleep. You’re sick, and the last thing you need is to do maths all day. Just try to get some sleep. I’ll tell the teacher you’re sick.” Tiffany took her shoulder bag and left the room.


I got up as soon as I heard the door lock behind her, but getting ready for school turned out to be harder than I had thought it would be.


The dizziness almost overwhelmed me, and the breakfast went right in the toilet after I had tried to eat it. I went to school feeling worse than ever.


I ran into the classroom, breathing “sorry I’m late” to the teacher, and sat down.


Tiffany gave me a look that said “Get to bed, or else…” when she saw me, but I didn’t care. We had an important test that day, and I didn’t want to miss it.


In the middle of the class, however, I knew that Tiffany had been right. I should definitely have stayed in bed. My concentration was at a minimum, and when I looked at the paper, the numbers seemed to jump around, almost like they were mocking me.


I blinked several times, and whispered to them that they’d better get to their right places, but they didn’t seem to hear me, and continued jumping around. They grew, and suddenly, one of them, number 8, jumped to the floor, and started dancing in front of me. I blinked. This wasn’t right. Something wasn’t right… something… the thought slipped from me. I had to go to bed. I was tired.


I looked down. All of a sudden, the floor did a sort of twist, and tipped up to meet my face.


My chair fell over me. A large number 5 ran over to me, yelled something to the others, and tried to lift me. Then someone turned off the light, and I could remember no more.
« Last Edit: January 27, 2008, 08:21:17 pm by theraven » Logged

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« Reply #1 on: January 27, 2008, 12:01:40 am »


I woke up at the hospital, in a soft and comfortable bed. I wanted to continue sleeping, but someone was there with me. A doctor, I thought. He was dressed in white, at least.

“Hello, are you awake? How are you feeling?” he asked.
“I think so. I feel… I don’t know… better, I guess.” Just then, my stomach protested. The doctor saw I was about to throw up, and held something under my chin. When I finished, the doctor handed me some paper, and I dried my mouth. “I think I got my answer now,” he said with a smile. I nodded.

“What’s wrong with me? Is it the flu, or something?”
“It might seem that way, but we’re not sure. We’ve been running some tests on you, since the fact that you fainted made us worry it might be something more than just a simple flu. How long have you been feeling, well, not good?”

“Since winter, I think. Since I was little, I’ve never gotten sick more than a few times, mostly just the flu or a small cold, and… you know… But lately, I’ve been sick more times than I can count. And it seems I’m sicker each time. I can’t be near someone with a cold, or I get it too, only ten times worse. Can you please find out what’s wrong with me? I’m tired of being sick all the time.”
“We’ll try. Just sleep, now. You need rest, even though it might just be the flu you’ve got. You had a really high fever when you came, and that’s not good. I’ll some back later, but just call for me if you need something.”

I felt really tired. Just talking to the doctor had sapped my strength, and I just couldn’t hold my eyes open longer. I curled up, and fell asleep again.
The next day, it seemed the doctors tested everything worth testing. So that at the end of the day, I was surprised if I had any blood left in my body. They had also scanned me with X-ray, MRI, CT and everything else, it seemed.


At the end of the day, I felt really tired, and it didn’t help that my family finally came to visit late that night.

They lived a few hours away, and had had to drive. My little sister talked and talked, just like my mother, and soon my ears felt as sore as my arms, which had red spots from all the blood samples the doctors had taken. A nurse finally came in, and said I needed sleep, so my family left. I fell asleep at once.
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« Reply #2 on: January 27, 2008, 12:02:23 am »


Dear diary.
I’m having a really bad time right now. I’m at the hospital, and I don’t know what’s wrong with me. At first, I thought it was just the flu, but the doctors are worried it might be something worse. I’ve borrowed a computer at the hospital library, to keep you updated, you know. But I’m sure they’re going to chase me to bed again. Yup, I was right. The doctor is looking for me. I’ll keep you updated. Bye for now.


“What are you doing, Anna? I thought I told you to stay in bed.” He found a wheelchair, and I sat down in it.
“I really don’t need a wheelchair, you know. I can walk just fine. I got here, didn’t I?”

“Yes, and I’m sure you stumbled most of the way. I know your dizziness hasn’t stopped.”
I didn’t say anything. I didn’t want to tell him he was right.

He followed me to my room, and waited until I was in bed again.
“If I’m not completely wrong, we’ll get your test results tomorrow. Just so you know.” He smiled, and left my room.

I stared at the door. I was really bored. There was nothing to watch at the TV, and the magazines my mother had brought, I had already read twice.

I’d tried to read a book, too, but found it hard to concentrate. My family was out for lunch, and my mum had said they would come back later. I closed my eyes. I could try to sleep again. Sleep, I felt I had gotten enough of in the last four days.

“Hello, are you awake?”
I opened my eyes. Tiffany stood in the doorway, looking at me.

“Finally someone to talk to!” I smiled. “Hello, Tiffany. I wondered why you didn’t show up.”
“I’m sorry, but you know we’ve had a lot of tests lately, and I’ve been drowning in work. I came yesterday, too, but you were asleep, and I didn’t want to wake you, so I left. I’ve taken a well deserved small break now, just to visit you. And I also promised the others to give you this get well-card.” She handed me a cute card with a bear holding flowers. I smiled, and put the card on a table next to the bed.

“Thank you for coming. I’m tired of only having my family and the doctors to talk to. Mum talks so much I never seem to get a word in, and the doctors don’t have time for chatting.”

Tiffany sat down in the chair next to my bed. “Do you know what’s wrong with you, yet?”
“No. The doctor said the test results come back tomorrow. I’m sick of having to wait. I want to go home. Or back to school. Anything else than bore my self to death here.”
“I see what you mean. It’s really awful to wait for the answer, true?”
“Yeah.”

We talked a long time about school, boys, homework, parties, and everything else other than sickness. Tiffany left when my family came back, and promised to come back the day after.
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« Reply #3 on: January 27, 2008, 12:03:00 am »

I was sitting up in the bed, feeling better for the first time since I got to the hospital. My mother was chatting as usual, and dad and my little sister, Hallie, tried awkwardly playing cards, using my bedcovers as a table.

“Do you want coffee?” my dad asked mum. “I’m going to get some for myself.”
“Yes, thank you.”
“Can you get me a soda?” Hallie asked. Dad went out, promising to bring her some.

Just then, the doctor came in. He was not smiling.

“I’m afraid I’ve got bad news,” he said.
I almost stopped breathing.
“Then you know what’s wrong with me?” I asked, almost too afraid to hear the answer.
“Yes. I’m afraid you’ve got leukemia.”
Leukemia. Just the word alone frightened my wits away. I couldn’t believe it. I was going to die.
“Are you sure? Completely sure, I mean?” my mother asked.

“I’m afraid so. Leukemia usually weakens the immune system, which means you get infections faster than everybody else, and they also last longer than what are normal. That’s why you get sick faster than everybody else, Anna. You need treatment at once. I probably shouldn’t tell you this, but if you had come here a few months later, it might’ve been too late for us to do something. If we start the treatment right now, you have a good chance to get well again, but I can’t promise anything.”
I didn’t know what to say. I was completely stunned. I just lay there while my mother tried to comfort me.

Just then, dad came in with the coffee.
“What’s wrong? Anyone died?” he smiled sheepishly.
I stated weeping.

“I didn’t mean it. What’s wrong? Did I say something wrong?”
Mum shot an angry glance at him. “The doctor came in after you left. She’s got leukemia, Martin.”
The cups of coffee broke when they hit the floor.

“I’m so sorry, Anna,” he said, and embraced me. “Don’t cry, dear.”

Mum joined the hug, and so did Hallie, too. We stood there for a long time, all of them trying to comfort me, but nothing mum, dad, my little sister or the doctors said, helped.


------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
They started the treatment later that day. They had to isolate me, because the treatment was going to further weaken my immune system, and since the flu made me even weaker. I felt really down. My mood got worse every day, food tasted badly, and I threw up all the time because of the medication they gave me.

I just lay there, feeling sorry for myself. No one managed to brighten my mood, and since only my family was allowed to visit me, I didn’t have Tiffany or anyone else to talk with.

I hated looking myself in the mirror, and only did it when I was alone. I looked like a wreck, with heavy bags under my eyes, and ashen skin. I tried to comb my hair to make it look better. I had long, wavy red hair that I really liked.

It helped a little – until it started to fall off. At first only more than usual fell off, but then I lost hair in big chunks. I cried a lot when it happened. I didn’t want to get bald. But I did. That, more than anything, made my mood go really dark.

I was angry, sad or irritated all the time, and didn’t smile for two whole months in a stretch. My family didn’t know what to do with me. The doctors said it looked like the treatment worked, and that it seemed I slowly got better, but it didn’t feel that way. They also started giving me radiation therapy, and I always felt really sick afterwards.

Because I ate little, I got really thin. The doctors tried to tempt me with delicious-looking food, but everything tasted bile.

I wouldn’t get better if I didn’t eat, they said, but I didn’t listen. I didn’t care. The internet-diary I had been so worked up about was completely forgotten, and because I didn’t update it, mum got a lot of worried telephone calls from my friends at home, who of course worried about me. But I didn’t care. I had almost lost the will to live.
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« Reply #4 on: January 27, 2008, 12:04:51 am »

I was just laying there in my bed one day. I was out of isolation at the moment, but didn’t really care. My family was out, having dinner, and I was all alone, feeling miserable. Then someone knocked at the door. I didn’t answer, because I was sure it was just the doctor or a nurse. But it wasn’t.

“Hello. Do you have any idea where the doctor might be?” a voice said. “I’ve been looking all over for him.” I turned my head around.
Right in front of me was the most handsome man I had ever seen in my life. And those eyes… he had the most beautiful eyes in the world. I had never really believed the saying ‘love at first sight’ before, but now, all of a sudden, I did.

“Uhm…er…uh…” I tried to say I didn’t know, but couldn’t get the words out.
“Your name is Anna, isn’t that right?” he said.
 “Uhm…yes, it is… how did you know?” I was really surprised he knew my name, and oddly happy. There was something familiar about him, but I didn’t know why. I smiled sheepishly.
“We’re at the same school, but I’m taking other classes than you.” He smiled. “I like your red hair. It makes you really beautiful.”

“I’m bald,” I said, and turned around, my eyes filling with tears.
“I am aware of that. I have eyes, you kow. But it will grow out again. One of my friends had cancer when I was younger, and he also got bald, but his hair grew out again. But you know, looks isn’t everything. I think you look beautiful even without your red hair. Really stunning. My name is Ian, by the way.”
I turned around. He was smiling – the most gorgeous smile I had ever seen. I just had to smile back. “Are you serious? Do you really think so?”
 “Yes. And I like your eyes. They’re beautiful.”
I smiled once more. His smiles were really catching. “Thank you.”

“And you really should smile a lot more. It makes the room light up.”
I knew he was just flirting, but how he could like me when I looked like this, I didn’t understand. “Why are you here, then? I mean at the hospital.”
“Car accident. I was driving in the dark, and a drunken man in a lorry suddenly drove right into my car. It happened so suddenly I didn’t even have the time to try avoiding it. My legs almost got completely crushed, and I was in coma for several weeks. The other driver died in the crash.

I’ve been here for eight months, and I’m still in a wheelchair. Thanks to a lot of hard training, I can walk short distances if someone help me, like from my bed to my wheelchair, and I can stand somewhat steady with support, although my legs usually starts wobbling after a few seconds. I used to go out a lot, meeting friends and girls. But now, I can’t. And anyway, who wants someone in a wheelchair?”

She’s sitting right in front of you, wearing a hospital pajama! I wanted to scream, but I didn’t say that. “I’m sure you’ll find someone that likes you.”
“Well, one thing for sure, I’ve just found the most beautiful and kindest woman I have met in my life. And I’ve liked her since I first saw her walking out from a classroom right in front of me.”

He looked away, and I could see his cheeks blush.
“Who is it, then? I mean, you don’t have to tell me if you don’t want to, of course, but…” I knew I was babbling, but I couldn’t stop. I hated the thought that he might like someone other than me. Weird, that… me falling in love with a man I barely knew… but here I was, almost drooling…
“No, it’s fine. I want to tell you. It’s just that I want to look into your eyes when I tell it.” He got up from the wheelchair, and stood on the floor, his legs trembling. He took my hand, indicating he wanted me to stand. Curious about what his next move might be – apart from maybe falling over – I stood.

“You see – the person I like, is you. I’ve liked you a lot since I first saw you at school. You looked at me and smiled, and I forgot everything I was supposed to do. I just stood there, staring after you, and I got too late for class. But I didn’t really care. All I could think about was you. Your eyes, your hair, your smile – but most of all: the person you are. You’re always giving a helping hand to the ones that needs it, and you are patient when someone asks you about something, and… well… what I’m trying to say is: I like you… and…do you like me?”

I was so happy and completely speechless, that I just threw my arms around him and gave him a big hug. He almost fell over me because of his weak legs, and since I, too, was weak from my treatment… well, let’s say that the hospital really should think about putting soft covers at the floor, because it’s really hard to land on.

We talked for a long time, and when he finally left, after saying he would come back later, my bad moods had left me almost for good. I smiled all day, and my family and the doctors didn’t understand a thing. For how could I have gone from completely ignoring everything around me, to smiling, laughing and even eating in just a few hours?

Only I knew the answer. I had met the man in my life.
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« Reply #5 on: January 27, 2008, 12:06:40 am »

The days went past. I talked a lot with Ian. Everytime I saw him, I brightened, and felt that my life finally was worth living.

I watched while Ian took his first (not wobbly) steps after the accident, and he comforted me when the treatment made me sick. He met my family, and they all liked him a lot. And when Ian’s family came to visit, he introduced me to them as ‘his girlfriend’, which made me really happy. I often smiled at the thought about us getting better together. In the nights, he sneaked into my room, and we talked (and kissed) half the night.


Dear diary
I love my life! I’ve met the man I love, and I’m really enjoying my life right now. Well, not the fact that I’m still sick with leukemia, but I’m getting better all the time. Yesterday, Ian proposed to me! I got really shocked, and was unable to say a word. I think he even was a bit afraid I would say no, but I was only speechless with joy. My dream finally came true!  

When were both out of the hospital, we’re going to be married! I can’t wait. Well, I’ve got one of my (hopefully) last radiation treatments tomorrow, and Ian can now walk steady (if not yet run) and doesn’t need the wheelchair anymore, so he’s almost ready to go home. He said he really wanted me to move in with him. He’s got an apartment big enough for both of us, so I don’t have to live in that tiny room that I shared with Tiffany. I have to retake my studies, of course, and she’s now in the year above me, since I’ve been at the hospital for almost ten months. But I don’t care. My life is wonderful, and I’m happy! Bye, bye for now!


I looked at what I’d been writing, and smiled. Nothing could ruin my life now, because everything was perfect.
“There you are, Anna. I’ve been looking for you.” The doctor said.
“Yup, I’m here. Is something wrong?”

“No, quite the opposite. I’ve been looking at your test results, and they shows that the cancer is almost gone from your body, so it seems we must say goodbye soon. But I came to tell you that your radiation therapy has been moved from tomorrow morning to this evening.”
“Thanks for telling me,” I said. The doctor left.
I put my laptop on the table next to me, and lay down in the bed. I was really tired, since, well, obviously I hadn’t gotten much sleep the night before. I slept until the doctor came to take me to the therapy.

Ian met me on my way there. He was going home in about a week, and hopefully, I would be out of the hospital a week after him. I was really looking forward to moving in with him. He was there all the time, watching me, and after the therapy, he followed me back to my room.  

I have to say I didn’t get much sleep that night, either.
Finally, after two weeks, it was time for me to go home. I packed my things in a hurry, and Ian picked me up in his new car.

The old one was a wreck, of course, so he had had to buy a new one. We drove to his apartment. It was quite small, but it also had a welcoming atmosphere, so I liked it at once.

He helped me unpack, and when finished, we called for pizza, and had a really good time our first evening (and night) together, all alone.



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note to observant readers Cheesy
(just have to say that Anna was wearing a wig in two of the last pictures... Cheesy just so you know... forgot she was supposed to be bald in that scene, and my computer messed up before I could fix it, if I remember it correctly)
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« Reply #6 on: January 27, 2008, 12:07:25 am »

We both had to finish our studies, of course, and we continued living in Ian’s apartment after we both graduated. After that, I got a job as a teacher at the local elementary school, while Ian started working at a lawyer’s office. We married not long after, and had an amazing wedding, where everybody we knew was invited.



We spent our honeymoon in Paris. We had a really good time, and came home even more in love than when we left – if that was possible.

Our life together was almost dreamlike, and everything was just perfect. But then I started to feel sick. I was really afraid it might be leukemia again, because the doctors had warned me that it was possible it could come back.

“You should really go to the doctor, Anna,” Ian said after the third time I came out from the bathroom one morning. “I’m worried about you.”
I’d been feeling queasy for a few weeks, and had lost some of my appetite. “I know. I’m worried it might be…you know…it.”

“I know you’re afraid, but you can’t walk around here all day worrying. Let’s just take the day off, and I’ll drive you to the hospital.” I protested at first, but in the end, I agreed. I called my doctor, and asked to get an appointment that day. He said we could come at once. The doctor ran a few tests, and then asked us to wait a bit outside his office. I was really nervous about what the answer might be, but having Ian there, helped a lot. The door opened, and the doctor came out. He was smiling.
“I actually think I’ve got good news this time. You’re perfectly healthy; well, perhaps in spite of the morning sickness you’ve been having lately. You’re pregnant.”

I was so relieved I almost jumped out of the chair and started cheering.
”We’re going to be parents!” Ian smiled, and gave me a big hug. The doctor asked if we wanted to see the baby, and of course we said yes.
The ultrasound pictures showed enough that we could see a little something on the screen, although it didn’t look like a baby just yet.

We were so happy we couldn’t think about anything else than the little one that would be born in less than seven months. We started looking around for a new place to live, since Ian’s apartment was too small for three (or more) people, and because we of course hoped for more children than just this one in the future. We finally found the perfect house. It had a big garden, and was located in a calm and quiet place with very little traffic – perfect for families with young children, especially since several of the neighbours had children of their own.


We moved in, with a lot of help from our friends and family. They also helped us redecorate some of the rooms, the baby’s room included.

I and Ian could go around in shops for hours looking for things to the baby. We didn’t know if we were going to have a girl or a boy yet, so we bought whatever we could that fit both, and decided to finish the decorating after the baby was born.

When my belly started to show, Ian could sit for hours just feeling my belly and talking to the baby together with me. We were both really looking forwards to becoming parents.


-----------------------------------------------
Then the big day finally came. I’d gotten maternity leave from work, and was home watching TV when the water broke.

I called Ian, who was still at work. ”The baby… is coming! Get home… now!” I was a bit panicky, because it hurt so much, and even after all those breathing excersises I’d practised, I couldn’t remember a single one. Ian drove home as fast as he could, grabbed the bag with my things that stood beside the door, and helped me into the car. I think we broke a couple of speed limits on our way to the hospital, but we got there in time.

I had a hard time getting birth to the baby, so after four hours when the doctor announced: “It’s a girl!” I was completely exhausted.

But when I got the little wailing baby into my hands, and she looked into my eyes and suddenly stopped crying, I knew it was worth it, and the exhaustion was completely forgotten.  

Ian sat down next to me, and the rest of the day, all we did was admire our little wonder. She was really beautiful, and had red hair and green eyes like me. Ian finished the decorating of her room, and three days after her birth, we could finally take her home.

We decided to call her Angela, because in our eyes, she looked like a little angel, and she surely acted like one. She cried little, and all she did was eat and sleep.

Friends and family visited us a lot the first weeks. It was a wonder Angela got any sleep at all with all the people that wanted to hold her, feed her and play with her. Especially my mother was really thrilled when she met her little granddaughter the first time. My sister, now a teenager, played peek-a-boo with Angela until she fell asleep (my sister really did look a lot like me – it seemed like almost all the girls and also a lot of boys in dad’s family-line got red hair, and Angela was no exception).




--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Angela grew fast, and at the time she was almost one year old, I was already pregnant with number two. Since Angela’s room was quite big, we put in another bed, and redecorated the other corner for the next baby, since having them in the same room seemed practical. This time, we knew we were going to have a boy. Angela was really excited and yelled “bibi-bother” all the time.

Angela learned to walk when she was ten months, and was running around in the house causing trouble when I, in the middle of running after her – which was not easy because of my big belly – all of a sudden, felt the water breaking again, and the contractions felt almost worse than the last time.

Luckily Ian was at home, since it was Saturday. He scooped up Angela – who was in the middle of throwing the tv-remote control and my favourite book in the toilet – grabbed my bag, and supported me to the car. We drove to the hospital with a really annoyed Angela in the back seat (she didn’t like it when she was stopped in the middle of having fun running around and throwing things in the toilet – her favourite hobby at the time).

This time the birthing went faster, and after just an hour, a healthy and beautiful little boy saw the world for the first time in his life.

He had blonde hair, probably from my mother – she had blonde hair before she coloured it brown – and blue eyes just like Ian. We decided to name him Brian.

We learned fast that having a baby and a toddler in the house was a whole lot more difficult and tiring than just having Angela.

Brian cried a lot more than Angela had, and with Angela messing around, ripping down flowerpots and having tantrums, we were really exhausted at the end of every day. After a year, when Brian also had taken his first steps, we quickly learned that having two toddlers were even harder.

But no matter the mess they were causing, and no matter how many tantrums a day (and there were a lot of them), we loved them more than anything else in the world.
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« Reply #7 on: January 27, 2008, 12:09:22 am »

The years went past, and the children grew. At the ages of seven and eight, Brian and Angela had a lot of hobbies. Angela got really good in playing the piano, and even wrote her own songs. To Brian’s annoyance, she insisted singing them, too – but luckily, she had a beautiful voice. She also looked almost like a copy of me when I was at her age.

Brian, on the other hand, turned out to be some kind of a genius with computers. His first one, he opened up two days after he got it, to see what was inside. After putting it together again, it was upgraded and worked much faster. He could fix any computer problems, and learned all the advanced programs really quickly. He also read a lot, and could read a 500 page book in a day if he wanted to – which he did often. They both got really good grades at school, and had a lot of friends there.

Then I got pregnant again. Luckily, we hadn’t done anything with the room we had used for Angela and Brian when they were babies, so everything was ready for the little one when it came.

The children got really worked up about it, and often wanted to feel the baby kick inside my belly. Angela wrote a good-night song to the little baby, and Brian made a beautiful picture on his computer that we hung on the wall in the baby-room.

I was asleep when I felt the contractions start this time. We got dressed in a hurry (not easy when it hurts) and woke the children, since calling a nanny would’ve taken too long.

Ian drove us to the hospital, and when we got there, he asked the kids to stay outside the door with a nurse. Both of them wanted to come in to watch, and Ian didn’t know what to say – but the nurse saved him, and told them that only Ian was allowed to come in.

When little Alice was finally born, the kids almost stumbled over each other, running inside to see her.

“She looks just like me!” Angela said, and she was right; Alice looked a lot like her. She had the same eyes and the exact same hair color, and if I’d not known better, I would’ve sworn it was a little baby Angela I was looking at.
Angela and Brian were wonderful helpers with the little baby.

They helped change her diapers, and almost fought over being the one to feed her, or sing for her when we put her to bed for the night.

Alice loved when Angela sang for her, and she always fell asleep faster if she heard the soft tones of Angela’s voice – especially if Angela sang the song she had written for her.
All in all, we were a happy family for a long time.

Until I started feeling sick again. I knew I always felt a bit sick the first weeks or months when I was pregnant, so I took a test, and of course it was positive. I showed the test to Ian, and he smiled at me.

“If we’re going to have even more children than this one, we must soon be looking for a bigger house,” he said with a smile. “I don’t say I don’t want to have more babies, because I really do, but we only have one spare bedroom left when Alice moves out of the baby-room.”
“I know,” I said, ”but I think four children are almost more than we can handle. More babies and we almost have our own football team.” We both laughed.

Alice, crawling around at the floor, looked up at us with a puzzled face, wondering what her parents might be laughing about, and the weird look in her face made us laugh even more.

But after two months, the morning sickness had gotten out of hand. I wasn’t hungry at all, and I just lay on the couch or in my bed all the time, feeling really ill.
I’d felt sick when I went with Alice, but not this sick. Ian started worrying, but I just told him it was nothing to worry about, that it was just the morning sickness, and probably the flu, too. Alice had come home from the day care with a bad flu the week before, and, well, the flu wasn’t something to worry about.

But it only got worse. Four days later, Ian found me unconscious on the floor with a high fever, and was unable to wake me up. He called for an ambulance, and they got me to the hospital in a hurry.

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« Reply #8 on: January 27, 2008, 12:10:07 am »

I was delirious for three whole days, and had bad nightmares and fever fantasies all the time. The doctors worried about me, and ran a lot of tests. When I finally came to myself again, I found Ian sleeping in a chair next to my bed.

I didn’t want to wake him, so I just lay there, thinking. To be back at the hospital brought back bad memories. Those bad memories from twelve years back, when the hospital was like my second home.
The door opened, and Ian almost jumped when he woke up. “Anna. You’re awake!” He turned around.

The doctor I knew so well now was standing in the door, looking solemn, and for all the world like he didn’t want to say whatever he’d come to say.
“I’m afraid I’ve got bad news. I wish I could say anything else, but I can’t. The leukemia is back.”
I wanted to scream. I wanted to say he was wrong. I wanted to throw something across the room in frustration. But I just lay there. A tear ran down my cheek.

“Are you sure?” I managed to say, in spite of the big lump in my throat.
“I’m afraid so. You’re immune system is working at a minimum again, and the flu you’ve got is magnified by ten from what is normal – and now you’ve got phneumonia. We can’t risk anything, so I’m afraid we have to isolate you. No visitors, except your husband. We have to discuss the treatments afterwards.”
I cried for over an hour.

It couldn’t be happening again. Not now, when my life was so perfect. It just couldn’t. But no matter how much I wanted this to be just another bad nightmare; I knew it was for real. Not being able to see my children was the worst of it. They were with one of our neighbors – a good friend of ours that also had kids – when Ian was at the hospital. I felt my belly. At least one of them was there with me in the isolation room. The doctor had insured the baby was just fine. I was four months pregnant now.
Ian sat there with me all the time while we waited for the doctor to come back. He tried to comfort me, but it didn’t help. I felt worse than ever. Then the doctor came in. He didn’t look happy.

“I’m afraid we have to start the treatment as soon as possible. Well, you know what you have to go through, and you obviously know how hard it will be, so I’m not going to tell you that once more.”
“What about the baby? Will it be hurt?”
His almost pained expression told me everything.

“NO!” I couldn’t hold back the scream. “My baby…” I stroked my belly. They couldn’t. They just couldn’t! “I’m not going to do anything that will hurt the baby, do you hear me? Nothing!” The tears flowed down my cheeks.

“Can’t the treatment wait? Just until the baby is born?”
“I’m afraid that might be difficult. You need treatment right now. We can’t wait much longer. You’ll only get sicker, and when the baby is out, it might be too late. The cancer might have spread too much.”
“You can at least try!”

The doctor stood silent for a long time. Finally, he sighed, and said: “We can try. If you’re absolutely sure, that is. You’re in the fourth month already, and the baby at least needs three, maybe four more months more to grow. But I can’t guarantee anything. I just want you to be aware of that if we wait with the treatment until after the baby is out, it might be too late for you to get well again. It can also be dangerous for the baby. Just think it through, will you?” He left.
Ian tried to talk sense with me, but I didn’t listen.

This baby deserved a chance of life, and as far as we knew, nothing was wrong with him, or her. Ian finally gave up, and admitted that he, too, of course wanted the baby to live. But he also said he wanted the children to keep their mother. I didn’t say anything. I wanted that, too.
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« Reply #9 on: January 27, 2008, 12:11:38 am »

I had to stay at the hospital until the baby was born. When I got well again from the pheunomenia, two weeks later, the children were allowed to visit me briefly. I almost cried with joy. I hadn’t seen them since I got to the hospital, and they were of course really happy to see me too.

“Mommy ill?” little Alice asked, tears flowing down her cheeks.
“Yes, dear, Mommy is ill. Mommy has to stay at the hospital a little while longer. You understand?”

 “Want Mommy home!” she cried, and threw her little arms around me. It wasn’t easy for her to understand, since she was only sixteen months old, and not used to me being away from her.

I hugged all of them, and told them I would come home when I was well again. I hoped I was right.

Days went past. Weeks. Months. I felt worse every day, and not only because of the pregnancy.

I could almost feel the cancer spreading in my body, and I think my wild fantasy got a bit out of hands. Sometimes, the baby kicked like mad, but I calmed down when it did. Then I knew it was still alive. When I couldn’t feel the baby move inside me, I worried.

What if it got sick in there? What if I had done the wrong choice? What if…? There was a whole list of what-if’s. A whole list of them that repeated in my head over and over again every time I was alone. But luckily, Ian was with me most of the time.

Then the diary from when I was younger came to my mind. I asked if I could borrow a lap-top, and sat down in front of it. I tried opening the page I’d been using before, but it didn’t excist anylonger. Well, it was a long time ago since I’d used it the last time, so I understood why. I started searching for a site where I could let out my inner thoughts again, and found one not long after. I signed up, and started looking at what other people had written.

I remembered the last time I had written something in the first diary. It was the day after Ian had proposed. I’d been so happy and filled with joy that I’d forgotten to write anything since. Now was the time to do something about it. I started writing. I told my story, from beginning to end, from the day I got sick last time, and up until this day. About my disease, my husband, my children and my situation right now. It felt good to finally let it all out, and to tell someone other than my family about my thoughts. I got a lot of responses. They all wished the best for me, and every answer I got lifted my mood a bit. When I stopped reading, I was smiling. I told Ian about the site, and also gave him my password, just in case. I wanted him to share the site with me, and told him that he also could use it if he wanted to.

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part 2: S.O.S
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I was sitting by one of the windows, looking out on the moon. I couldn’t sleep. I felt really sick, and the little one in my belly was being awfully quiet.

He’d been kicking like mad for two whole days, now – but all of a sudden, I didn’t feel anything. Tears were running down my cheeks.

 “Why aren’t you moving?” I whispered. “Come on… just a little bit? To calm down mommy?” the baby didn’t respond. Suddenly, I felt a sharp pain in my belly, and it was not the baby kicking.

I tried to stand up, but when I moved, I felt it again, only stronger. I tried to get to my bed, but the pain was suddenly so intense that my sight blurred with coloured spots, and I couldn’t see anything at all.

 “Help… me… some…one…” it came out in a hoarse whisper. I fumbled for the button that would call for the doctors, but my hand found only air.

It finally hit a vase of flowers that crashed onto the floor. A wave of nausea hit me, but I didn’t manage to get anything up.  

I could feel it in my throat, slowly suffocating me. I tried to draw a breath, but it felt impossible.

My legs turned to jelly, and I fell on the floor.

I heard a careful knock on the door, and a soft creak when someone opened it.  

“Everything all right in here? I heard the noise, and… Oh my...!” someone in a hospital pajama came running towards me.

Whoever it was, turned me on my side, and I could finally breathe again, but only barely. He pressed the emergency button, and seconds later, several doctors came running into the room.

“I found her like this,” the man said.
The doctors tried asking me questions, but my lungs were in a bad state for me to say anything. My vision darkened by the loss of oxygen.
“I think it’s the baby,” I heard a doctor say, while another pressed an oxygen mask to my face.  

“It looks like she’s near to loosing it. She's bleeding, and the baby's heartbeat is weakening. We need to get it out now!”
I tried to say something, but suddenly, I couldn’t hold on to my counciousness any longer, and it all went dark.

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« Reply #10 on: January 27, 2008, 12:12:50 am »

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When my counciousness finally returned, I was in my bed again. I felt my belly. It was completely flat. Instead of the bump that had been there, a bandage was in its place. I panicked. Where was my baby? Was it even alive? I opened my eyes, and looked straight into Ian’s worried face.
 
“You really gave me a fright, there, Honey. I’ve been so worried I almost couldn’t sleep.” He tried to smile, but I could see from the strained look in his face it wasn’t easy.
 
“Where’s the baby? Please tell me it’s all right!” I swallowed.
 
“Calm down, Anna. He’s ok. They had to put him in an incubator, because his heartbeat was a bit slow, and he needs a bit of help to breathe – but the doctors say he’s going to be all right.”
“It’s a boy?” I smiled.
“Yes, a beautiful little boy, as beautiful as all the other children we’ve got.”
I relaxed, and my panicky breathing slowly got back to normal.
 
“Do you know what happened?”
“The doctor I talked with said that your body for some reason tried to reject the baby. They had to get the baby out before he – or you – died. They also had to operate him right after getting him out – something about him having a small heart failure – but he’s fine now.”

“That’s good.” I could see tears in the corner of his eye, and he looked really tired.
“Are you all right, Ian?”
“Yes. It’s just that I’ve been sitting here with you all the time since you came out of the surgery room, almost two days ago. The children are with the neighbour, if you wonder.” He stroked my cheek.
 
“I love you. Don’t ever give me a fright like that again.”
“I’ll try not.” I hugged him. “Can we go see the baby now?”

We went to the maternity ward together, and then found a nurse there that directed us to the intensive care nursery. We were almost afraid to go in. We just stood there, looking at the little ones in the incubators through the window. I wondered which one was ours.

“Looking for someone?” a nurse said, walking up behind us. She smiled. “You must be Anna. Come, I’ll show you the little wonder.”

She directed us towards an incubator standing against the wall. A tiny baby wrapped up in a blue blanket lay inside it.

“Here’s your little boy. He’s a real fighter, that one.”


-------------------------------------------------------------------

We stood there watching him for a little while. It was weird to think that he was really here. He’d been in my belly, and when I woke up, he was suddenly not there anymore, but in an incubator.
 
“Do you want to hold him?” the nurse asked.
I nodded, unable to speak right then. She sat me down in a soft blue chair, which looked oddly misplaced in the otherwise sterile room. After a few minutes, she handed me the little one, and rearranged the tubes and wires that were connected to his tiny body.

He looked so helpless and frail under all of it, that I was almost afraid of touching him.
“It’s good for premature babies to be touched and talked to, especially from their parents. Don’t be afraid. He’s stronger than it seems.” The nurse went over to another incubator.

Ian kneeled down next to us, and touched the baby’s cheek. “Hello, little one. I’m your daddy, and this,” he pointed towards me, “is your mother.”

I smiled. Ian had to be the perfect father. I looked closer at the little boy in my arms. He didn’t have much hair, but the little of it I could see, was brown like Ian’s. His eyes had the exact same shade of blue as Ian’s, too.

He was a perfect little copy of Ian, just like our girls were like small copies of me when I was little. Ian was right. The boy was beautiful. It suddenly striked me we hadn’t decided his name yet. Everything had gone so quickly, and now, almost two months too early, he was suddenly here.
“What do you think we should name him, Ian? We can’t call him ‘boy’ or ‘baby’ forever, you know.”

We sat there for a while, trying to figure out a good name for him, while we admired our little wonder, talked to him and cuddled him. “Tom?” “No, I don’t think so. What about Ulric?” “Definitely not. Jeremy?” “Nah, I don’t like it. Darren?”
In the end, Ian came up with the perfect name. “What about Liam, then?”
I thought about it. “It’s a cute name. I like it. Liam it is, then?”
“Liam it is. Hello, little Liam!”
The boy, who had been sleeping, opened his eyes, and I could almost swear I saw a little smile on his mouth when he heard his name. “See, he likes it, too!”

I sang a little song for him then – the one Angela had made for Alice. Our time together with him was wonderful – until the doctor came in.
 
“I see you’ve finally met your baby. He’s a really cute boy, that one. But I’m afraid I’ve come to get you, Anna. We have to start the treatment at once. We discovered when we got the baby out that the cancer has spread to other parts of your body. We thought that a bone merrow transplant would be the best treatment, but because of the spreading, we can’t do that anymore. Now it’s down to medication and radiation therapy like the last time.”
The happiness about meeting little Liam, faded quickly with the doctor’s words.

“Isolation, too?” I said, almost afraid to ask.
“Yes. Ian can visit you, but I’m afraid your children can’t. Especially this one,” he indicated Liam, “because the medication we have to give you makes your touch sort of poisonous to him, and since he’s both weak from the surgery, and premature, he gets infections even easier than you right now.”
I hugged Liam one last time, before I gave him back to the nurse, who carefully put him back into the incubator again.



After a tear-wet farewell with little Liam, I sat down in the wheelchair the doctor had brought with him, and it was back into the isolation room.

Steeling myself up for the time ahead, I tried to think positive thoughts. Liam was safe, and that was the most important to me right then. I also knew the doctors were afraid it might be too late to start the treatment, but I tried to keep my hopes up.
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« Reply #11 on: January 27, 2008, 12:13:38 am »

The treatment was even worse this time, since I wasn’t allowed to see my children. I got really weak, and even a small cold could be really dangerous to me. I just lay there in my bed, day in and day out, waiting to get well again, and crying a lot.

I knew, this time, that I had something to really live for – my children, and Ian. I knew I was going to get well again. I just knew. I wanted to see my children grow up, and I wanted to get old with Ian, getting grandchildren and great-grandchildren.
This time I didn’t cry when I started to lose my hair. I just sighed, and stopped looking myself in the mirror.

Like Ian said, looks wasn’t everything. I knew he loved me no matter how I looked – even though I felt I looked like a zombie.
I used the internet diary a lot. I let out all of my worrying thoughts into writing, and I got only positive responses, which spirited me up.

Ian comforted me when the treatment made me ill, and he could sit for hours just holding around me when I cried, which I did a lot, especially from missing our children. My body ached almost all the time, so the doctors often had to give me strong painkillers just so I could sleep.

Ian told me everything that happened with the children, and gave me things they’d made for me, like the cd with a beautiful self-written song from Angela, the self-drawn get-well-card Alice had made (it was only a folded paper with a big blob of colors at the front, and a drawing inside, but I knew that all her love for me was in it), and from Brian a picture of everyone in our family – including little Liam – saying ‘we all miss you’. I hated being isolated from everyone. Especially my family.

I saw only doctors and Ian for four whole months. When I finally got a break in the treatment, and was allowed to go home for a short visit, the first thing I did, was to hold around my children, hugging them for a long time.

Liam was also allowed to come home together with me. He was still a bit weak, and had had both colic and a bad pneumonia at the hospital, but now he was better.

To be together with my children and husband lifted my spirits, and I felt really happy just being with my loved ones, and I enjoyed every second. After a week, I had to go back to the hospital. I felt weak, but at the same time, I felt stronger, more ready for the hard time in front of me.
But the happiness I had felt earlier quickly came to an end. My body ached worse than ever, and I had troubles just standing straight.
“The cancer has spread to your skeleton, I’m afraid. That’s why you’re having these pains,” the doctor said.

 “The treatment isn’t working as it should, and the cancer has gotten a too good hold in your body. It’s not much else we can do other than hope for the best, and ease your pains with stronger painkillers than the ones you’re using at the moment. The treatment might still work, but we have to change the medication to something stronger, too.”
They did. This new medication was a lot stronger, and I felt even sicker than before. I couldn’t stand on my feet without support, and only a visit to the toilet was like climbing Mount Everest, only a lot harder. Every day was harder to come through than the day before. But whatever the doctors tried, nothing seemed to work. I just got worse...
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« Reply #12 on: January 27, 2008, 12:14:22 am »


Dear diary
I know the doctors have tried everything, and that they say I may not have much time left, but I know that this time everything will be all right. This time I have someone to live for, and someone to really love – Ian and our children. I’m trying my best to stay alive for them, even though I feel weak and really sick most of the time. They’ve just been here. The children are allowed to visit me now, as long as they’re not sick themselves.
Liam’s about fifteen months now and can say words like “mama” and “dadda” and even “Angla”, “Alis” and “Bran”. Ian is so proud of him, and teaches him new words every day..

He’s soo cute when he’s running around, babbling in his own weird language and playing with Alice, although – according to Ian – he’s starting to show the same behaviour that Angela and Brian had at his age, like ripping down flowerpots and such. Ian is running around in the house nowadays, trying to keep Liam away from everything that can break and everything that is climbable – and trying to find him when he hides.


 
Little Alice is a little over two years old, and talks like mad about everything that has happened to her in the day care, where Liam also goes. She watches out for Liam, and keeps him busy, so he doesn’t get himself into too much trouble.

Angela writes a lot of songs, and at school, she usually gets good grades, mostly A’s and B’s – just like Brian. And thanks to him, my laptop finally works again after I managed to spill a cup of coffee on it.
 
Both of them are really good with the little ones, and Ian says it’s a really good help having them there. They’re having dinner in the cafeteria now, and Ian said they were going to come back afterwards. But I’m a bit tired, so I think I have to say good bye before I fall asleep sitting up, so bye for now.


I put the laptop on the table next to my bed. My eyes felt really heavy. I hadn’t slept well lately, because my body was hurting a lot, so now I almost couldn’t keep my eyes open. Maybe I should close them. Just for a moment. Only until Ian came back. The bed was so soft that I couldn’t resist.

I lay my head down on the pillow, and covered myself with the blanket. The bed was so comfortable it almost felt like I was floating in the sky, among the couds.

And who knows? Maybe I was…


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« Reply #13 on: January 27, 2008, 12:17:12 am »

This is the final chapter - the epilogue, really - in Anna’s story (which I’m posting today so I can put my mind to the pile of schoolwork waiting for me…). I hope you’ll like it.
¬---------------------------------------------------------
This last chapter is dedicated to the memory of my beloved brother that went away far too soon, and my grandmother that died of cancer this summer. I will always miss you.

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Chapter 14: EPILOGUE
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Hello, I’m Ian, Anna’s husband. You’ve probably heard about me, since Anna told me she’d written about me and our children.

Anna died six months ago. She’d been fighting her disease hard, and had her hopes up all the time, but her body gave up before her. The doctors tried everything they could to make her well again, but the cancer spread too fast for them to do anything. They found Anna dead in her bed, looking peaceful and asleep, with a smile on her face.
Her funeral was beautiful. Angela sang one of her own songs and I don’t think there was one dry eye left in the church. Alice cried all the time and I was unable to calm her down.  
   
I’ve been out of myself lately. I loved Anna, and I still love her, even though she’s gone. Life’s hard without her, both for me and the children. Little Liam, now almost two years old, cries for “mommy” everytime he sees a photo of her, just like Alice, and I had to take Angela and Brian out of school for a while, because they couldn’t concentrate and cried all the time. Me myself, I haven’t been able to go to work at all. Like I said, life without Anna is hard. But there’s nothing we can do about it, no matter how much we wish her back. Life isn’t fair, and our family knows that better than anyone.



“Daddy?” little Liam looked up at me.
 
He was sitting at the floor next to my feet, chewing on the leg of his teddybear.
“What is it, dear?” I picked him up from the floor.

“Daddy sad?” He said, and touched my cheek. “Daddy crying.”

“I’m just thinking about mommy. You remember her, don’t you?”
 “Mommy?” he said, and looked around. “Mommy here?”

“No, mommy is not here, Liam. Mommy is gone.”
“No, Mommy not here. Mommy angel. Flying in sky!” he threw his arms up to demonstrate.
 
“Yes, mommy is flying in the sky with all the other angels, and right now, she’s looking down at us.”
Liam looked towards the window, and studied the sky for a few minutes. “Liam not see her. Mommy play hide and seek?”

I smiled, and gave Liam a big hug.
 
“Maybe she is, Liam. Maybe she is…”


----------------------------------------------------------------
I might continue the story from some of the children’s point of view (when I come up with something to continue it with), but for now, Anna’s story is finished.
And I really hope you liked it!
(I love getting comments, so if there’s anything you’d like to say about my story – say it! Cheesy)
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« Reply #14 on: January 27, 2008, 12:03:46 pm »

this story is amazing and I hope you do continue!
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