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Author Topic: Xenophobia: Pride & Prejudice - Chapter Twenty-four  (Read 121501 times)
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Sam the T-man
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« Reply #90 on: March 09, 2008, 06:15:04 pm »

Aaaaw, thanks guys! Smiley Wow, where do I start...

@Astral: Yes, Buzz will have a very hard time of it - not saying any more for now, let's just say I have plans Wink Glad you like what I did with Lilith Cheesy You're very right, society doesn't like "minority groups" such as gays - my other stories were a tad too utopian on that front, about time I "got real" on that and glad I'm getting across the kind of problems they really would face. Also happy to get such a good response to that jack-in-the-box piece at the start - haven't written that way for a while, so I'm pleased with the way it turned out Smiley Glad you like my plantsim skin Cheesy

@matt: I'm actually pretty sound in myself right now, but I have suffered long-term depression before, and I still remain prone to mood swings. Not having one at the moment, but what I have been through I draw on when I write - it all makes for a great outlet. I also have a naturally empathetic character, so I find it easy to jump into people's (or character's) heads, even if I'm not going through what I write about. Anyway though, glad you enjoyed it.

Thanks for your lovely comments guys Cheesy
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AxelVal
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« Reply #91 on: March 09, 2008, 07:57:03 pm »

Uhhh...let's see *reads again*

Gone are the cries and the tears, they merely build inside. Those from my inner self reverberate around the metal walls, distorting and becoming rage, hatred, aggression, electrifying the container and hurting all who touch it.
The what from inside?  Cries and tears?

“Yep,” Ripp replied, continuing to air-drum and catching Johnny with a stray swing of his arm.
“Hey!” Johnny nudged teasingly, “Do I look like a drum kit?!”
Ripp wore a cheeky grin at his complaint, responding by flicking his wrists in a drum roll as he turned to face him, bopping his blond mop with a pretend drumstick. Smiling knowingly, Johnny replied by clutching his fingers.

Just two lines ago Johnny was drumming now Ripp is.
Then 'bops the blond mop' confused me while I was asleep.  I thought it said Ripp tossed his head or something.

“Not this time it seems,” their friend confirmed, scanning the other seats in the car. “Definitely Ripp, I see his big brother… who’s just sat there watchin’ it goin’ on?!”
The wording at the end confuses me.  Is he saying Tank is sitting there watching or asking who is because he can't see Ophelia?

“No,” Ripp grinned as he leaned his head back to address him, propping his head on Johnny’s shoulder. “That’s the whole point.”
This part just confused me at first.  I was too tired to realize what was going on for a while.  *laugh*

Whoooo.  Got it all.
It makes more sense now that I'm slightly awake though.
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Sam the T-man
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« Reply #92 on: March 09, 2008, 09:00:15 pm »

LOL Got it all? Are you sure? Wink Damn, you got me confused now :lol: Just in case though, let's see...

Quote from: AxelVal;1168420

Gone are the cries and the tears, they merely build inside. Those from my inner self reverberate around the metal walls, distorting and becoming rage, hatred, aggression, electrifying the container and hurting all who touch it.
The what from inside?  Cries and tears?
Did you find the bit before, talking about "snapping the lid shut on his fingers and causing him to wince in pain"? The cries and tears are referring to that pain. As in, all that happens now is a wince, the tears are now being bottled inside. That could have probably been worded better, come to think.

“Yep,” Ripp replied, continuing to air-drum and catching Johnny with a stray swing of his arm.
“Hey!” Johnny nudged teasingly, “Do I look like a drum kit?!”
Ripp wore a cheeky grin at his complaint, responding by flicking his wrists in a drum roll as he turned to face him, bopping his blond mop with a pretend drumstick. Smiling knowingly, Johnny replied by clutching his fingers.

Just two lines ago Johnny was drumming now Ripp is.
Then 'bops the blond mop' confused me while I was asleep.  I thought it said Ripp tossed his head or something.
Um, no, Johnny is a guitarist, not a drummer. I never said he was drumming - he laughed at Ripp when he waved at his Dad, and then Ripp started drumming on his legs. I probably took for granted that previous chapters explained their choice of instruments (like Ripp's first air-drumming session) - was that bad? Or was it just my choice of wording? :? Ripp then went on to "use Johnny as a drumkit" in response to his complaining about it, 'cause Ripp's a clown Wink

“Not this time it seems,” their friend confirmed, scanning the other seats in the car. “Definitely Ripp, I see his big brother… who’s just sat there watchin’ it goin’ on?!”
The wording at the end confuses me.  Is he saying Tank is sitting there watching or asking who is because he can't see Ophelia?
No, he's saying Tank's watching, and understandably maybe, he's surprised that he's doing so.

“No,” Ripp grinned as he leaned his head back to address him, propping his head on Johnny’s shoulder. “That’s the whole point.”
This part just confused me at first.  I was too tired to realize what was going on for a while.  *laugh*
Now I'm confused :laughing: You got it? Or would you rather elaborate so I can explain?


It's one of those times when I know what's going on in my head, but struggle to convey that to the readers. Apologies for the resulting confusion :?
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CynaraBlade
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« Reply #93 on: March 10, 2008, 02:43:08 am »

Now that was a magnificent update. I would have posted sooner but I had to go clean my chair after reading it!!! LOL!
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steelguy
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« Reply #94 on: March 10, 2008, 03:34:00 am »

Gee. The kids from pleasantview are really wrongly named.
Unpleasantview? Jerkview? WTFview?

Seriously though, was Ophelia actually sitting next to Ripp and Johnny during that PDA? Because that would be highly uncomfortable, I'd think. Just space-wise. How big is that car anyway? Is it a special alien car with huuuuge back seats?

Wait. It's set in America. Of course it is.

I'm rambling. Sorry. Carry on. :worship:
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Sam the T-man
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« Reply #95 on: March 10, 2008, 06:51:37 am »

@steelguy: Yeah, with the so-called Pleasant twins ranging from two to three in nice, that would be about right for them to act like that (IMO anyway). And yes, she was sitting next to them, although with the pair so close together they wouldn't be so squished, especially when Ripp was on Johnny's lap Wink It is a bit of a squeeze, although thinking about it, there usually is room for three in the back, complete with seatbelts, so I don't know why Maxis only gave us room for two :oogle:

@Cynara: Thanks... clean your chair afterwards? Um... any particular reason, or did I miss something? :oogle:

Thanks for your comments anyway, glad you like it Smiley
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joe_mulcahy
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« Reply #96 on: March 10, 2008, 12:12:30 pm »

You can't find the file borking the ability of a sim walking to another lot, eh?  Well I have the same problem,  and still haven't found it after six months of searching.

Anyway, I am nearly bereft of words at that Jack-In-A-Box paper. It was just so beautiful, and summarised the plight that is Ripp Grunt's perfectly!  You're quite the talented writer, I must say!

I love how not only Ripp, but Tank also bolted from their father to go with the Smiths!  Good on them, and good on you for writing it!

Ha hah!  I loved the part where their romantic interactions are witnessed by Dirk and Lilith, and Tank stood up for his brother.  Good on him yet again!  

I love this story!  Keep up the great work!
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To General Buzz Grunt, war is a way of life, but now the very lives of all who dwell in Strangetown are in danger. Will his sons crumble beneath his heavy hands? Watch the events play out in Strangetown Conspiracy A film series by Joe Mulcahy and Avatar Arkmage
Sam the T-man
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« Reply #97 on: March 10, 2008, 02:32:45 pm »

@Joe: Re. the walk to lot problem... that's not encouraging in the slightest Tongue So happy to read your comments on the first part - as for who wrote it though, mm... was it Ripp, or maybe someone else we know? Wink Ah yes, Tank - turning out to be quite the hero, he is ^_^ I know others say he's horrible, but I love him to bits Cheesy You know, in one game he rejected a hug attempt by Ripp, but then apologised for it - all on his own. They actually get on pretty well once they get chatting (which they do quite a lot!) - there's one in the eye for Maxis's back-story! :laughing:

Thanks for your nice words, they're all so encouraging Cheesy Regarding other comments though, my tongue's starting to ache from my incessant biting on it, so I may have to update pretty soon Wink
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AxelVal
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« Reply #98 on: March 10, 2008, 06:01:27 pm »

So it is tears and cries welling up inside?  I thought so, but the wording is just a little awkward because it says they're gone.

With the Johnny/Ripp drum session it was just that in the previous line I wasn't sure if Johnny or Ripp was talking, so since it said Johnny's name most recently my mind was still on him.  This means I was imagining him saying they'll be taking to a spaceship and then drumming.

It's the wording and punctuation in the last sentence.  The "who's just sat there" seems like a question instead of a statement.  Not to mention the wording is extremely awkward for me.

I got it.  Johnny was talking about if Tank was really the same person who had accosted him earlier or if, more or less, he'd been replaced by some body-snatcher thing.  *grin*
I understand that part now.
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Sam the T-man
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« Reply #99 on: March 10, 2008, 06:53:34 pm »

... Okay, yeah it was Ripp talking - he was mocking his Dad over "he probably thinks we'll get taken up to a spaceship" Wink I do apologise for the wording - I proofread it a gazillion times.. which was probably a bad idea, 'cause my eyes started to glaze over :lol: That last sentence you mention - it was half-question, half-exclamation, so you were close (like he was saying WTF? Wink) And yes, you got that last part just fine Cheesy

Right, any other questions before we move on? :lol: *looks around wondering if asking was a good idea*
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AxelVal
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« Reply #100 on: March 10, 2008, 07:39:03 pm »

Do you want a proofreader?
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Sam the T-man
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« Reply #101 on: March 11, 2008, 09:59:16 am »

... That's actually not a bad idea. In fact I've already sent one section off to someone, just asking an opinion on content, but... yeah, if it's gonna stop people getting confused...

Forgive the blatant guessing if I'm wrong, but was that an offer, or just a question?
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« Reply #102 on: March 11, 2008, 03:15:22 pm »

Quote from: Sadie79;1168290


@matt: I'm actually pretty sound in myself right now, but I have suffered long-term depression before, and I still remain prone to mood swings. Not having one at the moment, but what I have been through I draw on when I write - it all makes for a great outlet. I also have a naturally empathetic character, so I find it easy to jump into people's (or character's) heads, even if I'm not going through what I write about. Anyway though, glad you enjoyed it.




Interesting.  Although I can't say for certain that I officially suffer from depression, it certainly makes itself known in my life.  Drastic mood swings and dark clouds hovering over me, even when I'm happy, are not unusual.  I should probably be on medication - in fact a doctor tried putting me on some, twice, but they didn't work.  So he concluded that I must not be depressed.  Whatever.  I'm not really hip to taking them anyway.  So...I don't know what is wrong with me - but I have everyone of those symptoms those stupid antidepressant medication commercials list. :-P
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AxelVal
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« Reply #103 on: March 11, 2008, 07:30:02 pm »

Offer, Sadie.
I love being a proofreader for some reason.
It may have to do with getting the chapters/updates earlier but I'm not sure...*grin*

It's easy for me to jump into my character's heads, but for a completely different reason.
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Sam the T-man
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« Reply #104 on: March 12, 2008, 08:28:05 am »

That's very nice of you, thanks Smiley Expect a PM pretty soon then Wink

I dunno about getting updates posted earlier, I tend to do the pictures last, but anyway...
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