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Author Topic: The Gates of Aldeon - The Genesis  (Read 3420 times)
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cypherathos
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« on: May 21, 2008, 06:44:13 am »

So, I've finally decided to post something other than country-related topics (Teen Discussion, lol). Anyway, if you don't like fantasy, don't even bother reading this. Also, my first post won't have pictures. At least, not yet, because I have no idea where the heck I can download horses (and if I manage to find one, I'm gonna have a week arguing with myself if I'm gonna download it or not, considering I'm not much of a cc magnet)
Enjoy, and tell me what you think!

Prologue


Salutations. I am Reed Spurge Willow. You can also call me R.S.W., but I suppose it would be better if you just call me Reed. We won’t be able to see and talk, so why do it in the first place? Anyway, I am researching on a mysterious topic; compiling facts and details, fathoming all of them. I have compiled all of these facts into three groups, the first one being the one you’re holding. I named it, The Genesis, and it goes like this:

     The night was dark as it always was every autumn. The moon, seemingly centered in the starless night sky, shimmered brightly, its light crossing the horizons. The air was as freezing as that in the northern lands, just as it was silent and peaceful. For diviners and prophets, a night like this would not predict anything unusual. No coming rain, no sudden invasions, nothing. On the other hand, for the goddess of life, Eluna, this would be one of the most unusual nights in her immortal life.

     Somewhere in the forest were five women, each riding horses. One of them was not really a woman, but a young girl, within the other four. They were escorting the girl to a place hidden deep within the mystically illuminated forest, where the fewest of people have ventured into, and came back to tell their tale.

     “Bring her to me,” whispered Eluna to the ears of one of the women, while she was sitting on a rock. She looked like she was talking to the wind, but her words reach the ears of that woman, no matter how far they were from each other. “Bring her to me, so she will be safe. I can protect her from the grave danger that awaits her. What I have seen shall be no more, and we will all be safe…”

        “We are doing everything we can, great Eluna. This is the fastest our horses can run and we’re taking a turn on almost every third tree we see. Please, help us. We are in great need of your help,” thought the oldest of them all, named Denilla Paera, whose thoughts reached the goddess thousands of feet away.

        “I’m afraid I cannot. I cannot directly interfere with your human troubles, however by bringing her to me, she shall be ensured of safety. Now hurry, and bring her to me, before all is lost…” was the reply she received in her mind.    

   “Okay, okay. Fine. Whatever,” Denilla replied in her thoughts, her emotions filled with impatience and irritation. “Just tell us where to go, so we don’t have to take so many turns.”

   “Watch out for the skies above…” came her reply. Denilla was rather irritated with this, as she asked for directions but the goddess told her to ‘watch out for the skies’. Still, she knew she was talking to a goddess, so she should follow her orders. Signaling the other three women, and they simultaneously turned into three different species of birds, flying to the night sky and leaving their horses free to roam the forest. Denilla was alone with the young girl, but she was hoping Eluna would help her.

   Soon, however, Denilla and the girl heard loud and rapid stomping of feet; it was as if there was a stampede of water buffalos running away from attacking lionesses. Soon after they heard flapping of large wings, like those of a pterodactyl’s, or possibly of a roc. From what they were hearing there seemed to be hundreds of them, even along with rolling wheels, only meaning to be siege weapons.

   The nervous little girl only became panicky. “What?! How could this happen? How could they have caught up to us?!” she asked, still not believing what she was hearing. Oh my god, this is bad. What if they caught us? What will happen to us? We’ll only be severely outnumbered!”

   “Stop panicking, your Majesty,” Denilla struggled to calm her, but even she was getting tense. The princess was right; when they caught up with them, it would not take more than an hour to finish them off. She knew, of course, that only she will be killed for they have other options for the princess.

   At last, Eluna spoke to Denilla once again. “You are nearing your safety. Follow the light, and you will be safe. Follow the light…” And with that, Denilla and the other girl pulled the reins of their horses as hard as they can to turn to the light, also hitting their backs.

   “The light. Got it, Eluna.”

   “I trust you my life, Mistress Denilla,” she said.

   “We shall protect you, your Majesty, no matter what. Even if the one who’s after you was once one of us, we will do whatever we can to stop her, even if it’s only the four of us. We know of her plans to use your memories to identify who the next Eriall will be and then kill him or her. We swear to the sacred earth of Isidora that she will never succeed. Just as long as you stay as close as possible to me, you will be safe.”

   “Yes, Mistress Denilla.”

   “Besides, your Majesty, even if your memories were taken, Veretia, Uria, Cahia and I will be the ones to search for your memories, if, memories can be searched, that is. Otherwise, we’re doomed for all eternity.”

   “Oh, I wish you hadn’t said that.”

   The stomping of feet, rolling wheels and flapping wings grew louder, so the two yanked as hard as they can, but when they were only a few more meters away from the light, both their horses fell to their knees. A perfectly bad timing for the two, but they didn’t have a choice. Hesitating to be carried by Denilla, the princess ran with her to the blinding light.

   “Faster my dear children. Safety is near…”

The light shone to its fullest as they entered a clearing. The light lasted for a while, so the both of them came to an immediate stop and suddenly had to cover their eyes to avoid being blinded by too much brightness. Soon the light wore off; they expected to see the goddess Eluna sitting on a large boulder near a river. They thought wrong.

   Towards them, sitting on a large boulder near a river, was the one they wished they would have never seen their entire lives. She was a woman nearly as old as Denilla, and she, along with the other three calls her the Betrayer.

   “Idiots,” she said.

   “B*tch,” the Denilla replied strongly, leaving a hatred mark in her eyes.

   “Am I really that good in playing Eluna?”

   “You will not succeed, Alexandria! You will not triumph in being the Eriall!”
   “Oh yeah? Watch me.”

   Soon she and the young girl were surrounded by beasts and monsters, both on land and flying in the air. The three who flew were nowhere to be found. No one can rescue them.

   “The memories of the idiotic queen will finally be mine!” Alexandria raised a staff she had been holding all that time, and aimed it on the young girl’s head. The ornamental obsidian stone on top of her wand began to glow, which signaled her to cast the perfect curse. “Allaevarres…”

   “NO!”

   “Allaevarres felfanis!”

   Light covered the forest once again. The young girl’s memories were gone. As the Denilla struggled to wake the girl who fell asleep from the curse, Alexandria and her soldiers disappeared into the night, like the girl’s memories that have disappeared in an instant.

   Fortunately, Alexandria wasn’t the one who chanted the complete curse.



Sorry for any grammar mistakes, English is NOT my native language, and I'm already struggling.
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Charamei
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« Reply #1 on: May 21, 2008, 09:12:46 am »

Wow... for a non-native speaker, that's amazingly good. I look forward to seeing where it goes. I like the idea that a mortal can impersonate a goddess, too; keeps tihngs balanced.

Just a couple of points:

Quote
The night was dark as it always was every autumn.
Nights are pretty much always dark, aren't they? It's not a property of them that is unique to autumn.

Second, just one quite important grammar error: no definite article before proper names. You kept switching between 'Denilla' and 'the Denilla', which confused me as to whether it was her name or a title.

And third, beware of inserting random vowels into Greek-derived names. Alexandra is a person; Alexandria is a place Wink
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cypherathos
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« Reply #2 on: May 21, 2008, 09:35:59 am »

sorry. that was a typo error. It's supposed to be THEN DENILLA.
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cypherathos
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« Reply #3 on: May 21, 2008, 09:37:43 am »

And, it it really is Alexandria. She's been created as my personal villain since I was 8 (or ever since I had Print Artist, dunno which is earlier...)
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Charamei
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« Reply #4 on: May 22, 2008, 06:28:31 pm »

Quote from: cypherathos;1250574
sorry. that was a typo error. It's supposed to be THEN DENILLA.


Ahhhh... and suddenly it all makes much more sense.

Quote from: cypherathos;1250575
And, it it really is Alexandria. She's been created as my personal villain since I was 8 (or ever since I had Print Artist, dunno which is earlier...)
Fair enough. I'm afraid that my inner Classicist is going to keep thinking of her as a place with a library, though Wink
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Astral Faery
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« Reply #5 on: May 23, 2008, 02:28:58 pm »

This is pretty neat!  I'm already enjoying it, and your writing is quite good.  If you're looking for downloadable horses, you can try here and here.  There's probably many more out there, too.
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Visit me on my blog - Astral Faery's Magical Tales
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