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Author Topic: Opportunity Knox take 2  (Read 15241 times)
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auntiejokisses
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« on: May 28, 2008, 10:27:04 am »

advise and helpful hints are welcomed..(how can i also tell how they'll get a bigger house and take in boarders like a boarding home.?)
Opportunity Knox chapter 1
Hello Everyone! my name is Victoria, & these are my children. Bobby, & Sophi. they have special needs. very special indeed. they have downs syndrome. I have moved in a boarder.


My kids adore Tupac, & Tupac adores them. the kids love the camera. now let us show you our home. we have a nice yard. in the back of the house you can see a lake, & a lighthouse.
« Last Edit: June 02, 2008, 10:25:46 am by auntiejokisses » Logged

together we rock. reach for the star. Sorry, Jo, pic too big and twinkly, please find something smaller. The Management
phishfood1301
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« Reply #1 on: May 28, 2008, 02:58:12 pm »

great start! I can't wait to se where this is going! *stalks you*
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auntiejokisses
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« Reply #2 on: May 28, 2008, 09:44:47 pm »

thank you for the nice comment.. i'm glad that you liked my story so far.
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together we rock. reach for the star. Sorry, Jo, pic too big and twinkly, please find something smaller. The Management
vickylougrl
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« Reply #3 on: May 28, 2008, 10:21:00 pm »

Auntie I loving the start of your story it has a lot of heart.
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Coptic Text
Now, when you come under their power, one of them who is the overseer will say to you: "Who are you, and where are you from?"

You are then to say to him, "I am a child of humanity and I am from the Source."
steelguy
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« Reply #4 on: May 29, 2008, 03:21:38 pm »

Well, this looks like it could be a touching little story.
I'd like to compliment you on the children. When I saw that first picture, I thought, "Hey, those kids look like they have downs syndrome," and then I read that they do! You've gotten the look pretty good.

As for the title, I can only think of a bad pun: "Opportunity Knox." Smiley
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auntiejokisses
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« Reply #5 on: May 31, 2008, 09:45:30 pm »

i hate my photobucket now. it won't let me do the things that i want to do
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together we rock. reach for the star. Sorry, Jo, pic too big and twinkly, please find something smaller. The Management
steelguy
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« Reply #6 on: May 31, 2008, 10:30:47 pm »

Yay! You liked my suggestion! Smiley

Well, it's sad you're having troubles with your photos, but that last one is really good! It's a nice family-style picture that could be framed on the wall, somewhere.
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Leporidae
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« Reply #7 on: June 01, 2008, 08:24:30 pm »

Alright! Time for some constructive criticism!

I know that this just started and there isn't much yet, but I can always come back and give more advice.

First off, I would like to say that the basic idea is very good and original! However, I belive that the story itself could use alot of improvement.

Lets tackle your grammar and spelling first and foremost:

You need to begin every new sentence with a capital letter. This is rather basic and not so hard to do.

There are some spots where you need commas instead of periods, or nothing at all. As a tip as to whenever you should use a comma or a period: If the sentence begins with conjunction (and, or, but, etc.), then use a comma. Wiki article for conjunctions

I have not spotted any spelling errors. However, You can never be too sure

Now, for plot and character development:

The story so far is about equivalent to a skeleton. From the looks of it, you haven't really gave much thought about how the story and characters will develop. The main thing you'll want to focus on would be details. This is also fairly basic and easy to do (provided you know your characters and settings well). All you need to do is take a step back and imagine what your characters see, smell, sense, etc. as well as the setting (History, culture, etc.). This then ties into another matter:

Plot and character development. While this is harder to improve, it plays an important part in the story. For character development, think to yourself: "What is he/she like? What dose he/she like and dislike? How dose he/she feel about this? How dose this affect him/her? How would he/she act, if at all?" For plot development, think: "What direction can I turn this in? What would be equally challenging for my characters? What would be enjoying to read? Dose this have a unique twist to it?"

Becareful not to make characters too similar to you or eachother. This will make the story very boring to read. My fingers are too tired to type much more, so this will be all I have for you for now.
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auntiejokisses
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« Reply #8 on: June 01, 2008, 08:39:27 pm »

no more of this story.. my work is being a put down. and i'm being put down... i have low self asteam. i don't like it when people say they don't like my work. and i'm trying my best. and if no one except my best you can't except for who i am. i'm only human
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together we rock. reach for the star. Sorry, Jo, pic too big and twinkly, please find something smaller. The Management
Leporidae
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« Reply #9 on: June 01, 2008, 09:43:13 pm »

What are you talking about? Just because I give you constructive criticism dosen't mean I don't like your story!

Look, if you get depressed whenever someone tries to help you improve a little, you won't get far all that fast. :/ I just tried to help, but oh well
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steelguy
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« Reply #10 on: June 02, 2008, 01:01:18 am »

Hey, auntiejo - don't let one person put you off, please? This was looking like a good little story. I mean, I understand why you're feeling upset - that little 'review' was a bit like being back in highschool having your essay graded by a really over-eager teacher - but I read this thread and I count three people liking it and one... not.
The numbers say you're doing well. And as this isn't high school, you don't have to be letter perfect, you just have to be enjoying yourself, right guys?
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Leporidae
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« Reply #11 on: June 02, 2008, 01:04:30 am »

As I said, I DID like it. I was just trying to help her out :/ And she took it the wrong way. Sorry.
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EKozski
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« Reply #12 on: June 02, 2008, 01:57:14 am »

Leporidae, did you know that the author of this story is mentally disabled? If you didn't, it says so in her signature. When you gave her your constructive criticism, she took it as an insult, and I can understand why. She already suffers from low self-esteem, and by adding your feedback, may have brought it down lower. She's only human. Just be careful.

We may never see the ending of this brilliant story. Personally, I liked it. It had an interesting plot behind it. I thought she was doing a fantastic job with her talents to the best of her ability.

Only time will tell if we see an ending.
« Last Edit: June 02, 2008, 06:54:28 am by EKozski » Logged

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phishfood1301
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« Reply #13 on: June 02, 2008, 06:37:41 am »

good job on part 2!
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auntiejokisses
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« Reply #14 on: June 02, 2008, 07:30:12 am »

i do want advise. i don't want to be criticsed about my work.  and when someone say's don't put myself in the story i'm only trying to put a little of me in. not awhole lot as you see in the story the kids have Downs Syndrome. i don't... and it's too late. i threw my story away. i don't know where i left off.
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together we rock. reach for the star. Sorry, Jo, pic too big and twinkly, please find something smaller. The Management
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