*******REMOVED BY AUTHOR*******
caffeinated.joy:
Actually using proper paragraph structure just makes it easier for everyone to read. It gives it better flow and makes it clearer who is saying what and which action is attributed to what speech. As has been said before, every time the verbal focus switches should start a new paragraph. Please don't think we're all just tearing you apart. Our goal here is to help you. You've created some great imagery in your writing but, unfortunately, most people would just give up and move to a different story. I'd like to suggest an alternative edit to Zorom's. :)
"Ellie, hey, are you alright?" Lola asked, waving her left hand in front of my glasses.
I brushed back my unkept caramel hair and huffed my bangs out of my eyes. "I'm fine, Lola, what's up?"
Lola's face fell as she brushed my hair out of my face. "You've been standing there for five minutes, Els. One of your eyes rolled back."
I blinked, getting my eye proper again. "There. Let's go, then."
"Wait," Lola sighed, gripping my shoulder. I turned. "Ellie, you look paler, and those purple rings around your eyes look darker. Do you feel ill? You're fourteen and only weigh ninety pounds. I'm worried about you."
I shook my head. "I'm okay, really. It's just all the cramming for the maths test."
Whatever a person says and their associated action is its own paragraph. :)
Hammie:
Thank you both. I will be sure to remember that when posting the next chapter. Thanks for the constructive critism, everyone! ;)
*I've declumped it for all of you, hopefully it'll be easier on your peepers!*
Zorom:
Thank you so much, much easier to read now!
That was a cute chapter. :)
Hammie:
Not a problem! I'm glad your enjoying it! :D
Hammie:
(I'm not bumping)
I am SO sorry I've been so lazy everyone. I've fixed the format of it so it should be less difficult to read. :cool:
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