Clean Jokes

[Nonni]

...and sadly, I don't have any clean jokes to add, since, well...I don't know any that are appropriate for this forum.

Shucks! 

[Theraven]

Why am I not surprised? 

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My therapist told me the way to achieve true inner peace is to finish what I start.

So far today, I have finished two bags of chips and a chocolate cake.

I feel better already.

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A psychotherapist was having a roaring business since he started from scratch. So much so that he could now afford to have a proper shop banner advertising his wares. So he told a kid to paint the sign board for him & put it above his shop entrance.

But, instead of his business building up, it began to slacken. He had especially noticed the ladies shying away from his shop after reading the sign board. So he decided to check it out himself. Then he understood why !

The boy found a small wooden board so he had split the word into the 3 words :

Psycho-
the-
rapist.

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A man who had been in a mental home for some years finally seemed to have improved to the point where it was thought he might be released.

The head of the institution, in a fit of commendable caution, decided, however, to interview him first.

"Tell me," said he, "if we release you, as we are considering doing, what do you intend to do with your life?'

The inmate said, "It would be wonderful to get back to real life and if I do, I will certainly refrain from making my former mistake. I was a nuclear physicist, you know, and it was the stress of my work in weapons research that helped put me here. If I am released, I shall confine myself to work in pure theory, where I trust the situation will be less difficult and stressful."

"Marvelous," said the head of the institution.

"Or else," ruminated the inmate. "I might teach. There is something to be said for spending one's life in bringing up a new generation of scientists."

"Absolutely," said the head.

"Then again, I might write. There is considerable need for books on science for the general public. Or I might even write a novel based on my experiences in this fine institution."

"An interesting possibility," said the head.

"And finally, if none of these things appeals to me, I can always continue to be a teakettle."

[Zooey]

One day a blonde office worker comes out to the warehouse to walk around. As she is walking she looks up and sees a co-worker hanging upside down from an I-Beam in the ceiling.

She asks "What ARE you doing"?

The co-worker says "I need a few days off but the boss won't let me have them so I'm hanging upside down from this I-Beam acting crazy.

The boss will see me, think I need rest and send me home for a few days".

The blonde says "That won't work...uh ohh...here comes the boss now, you're in for it".

The boss spots the blode looking up and sees the man hanging up there and asks him "Just WHAT do you think you are DOING?!!"

The man says (in a "crazy" voice) I'm a light bulb...I'm a light bulb"

The boss says "Buddy, you need some rest..take the rest of today and tomorrow off and get some sleep".

As he is climbing down he winks at the blonde showing her it worked.

The blonde thinks about this for a moment and starts to follow the man out the door.

The boss asks her "WHERE do you think YOU'RE going?"

The blonde says "I can't work in the dark".
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BTW, I don't think that blondes are dumb or anything, but I find these jokes very funny

[Jenna]

Nine Signs That You Are on a Really Bad Airline

1.) You can’t board the plane unless you have the exact change.

2.) Before you take off, the stewardess tells you to fasten your Velcro.

3.) The Captain asks all the passengers to chip in a little for gas.

4.) When they pull the steps away, the plane starts rocking.

5.) The Captain yells at the ground crew to get the cows off the runway.

6.) You ask the Captain how often their planes crash and he says, “Just once.”

7.) No movie. Don’t need one. Your life keeps flashing before your eyes.

8.) You see a man with a gun, but he’s demanding to be let off the plane.

9.) All the planes have both a bathroom and a chapel.

[Nonni]

One year, I decided to buy my mother-in-law a cemetery plot as a Christmas gift... The next year, I didn't buy her a gift. When she asked me why, I replied,"Well, you still haven't used the gift I bought you last year!"
And that's how the fight started.....

[Zooey]

Mothers-in-law... better said monsters-in-law )

[Jenna]

A clean joke, eh? Hmm...*ponders*

How about watching one of my exboyfriend's trying to clean? That was a joke in and of itself right there.

[Nonni]

That will do, Jenna! Should be a real hoot. 

[Zooey]

I know how it is, Jenna... I lost a valuable chinese vase last time I let a boy clean... 

[Nonni]

When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting to me that I should get it fixed.  But, somehow I always had something else to take care of first, the shed, the boat, making beer. It was always something more important to me. Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point.
When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors. I watched silently for a short time and then went into the house.. I was gone only a minute, and when I came out again I handed her a toothbrush. I said, "When you finish cutting the grass, you might as well sweep the driveway."
 
The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp.

[Nonni]

[Theraven]

I think I would have had to join that one...

I usually rinse the dishes with (only) water first, but I have an excuse - our dishwasher (in my apartment) don't wash entirely clean otherwise, and having three people who constantly fill up the sink with dishes, none of us wants to wash up by hand...
My mom is worse than me, and I can't remember seeing her put anything dirty into the dishwasher at home.

[Paden]

When I was six we got a dishwasher. Before that, all three of my sisters and I did the dishes by hand. With seven people in the house, that was a lot of dishes to do! Yeah, we still had to scrape and rinse, but it was better than having fumble fingers me trying so very hard not to drop them as I dried them. One sister washed, another one rinsed, I dried and the third sister put them away. Gah!

[DaSpecial1]

Nonni you got me...I totally wash my dishes before I use the dishwasher. Hey it dries them great ok? No I'm not obsessive I promise... .

[Theraven]

My gran never had a dishwasher in her house. Until I was ten or so, I usually offered to do the dishes for her when I was visiting. I actually thought it was fun...
Whenever she had family members visiting, there was always someone who offered to do it. In fact, they had arguments - the type "I'll do it", "no I'll do it", "No, let me!" (especially my mom and my aunts). Kind of hilarious, in fact