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Lothar: Bad news Smitty...the mutants have destroyed major sections of the subways and sewers, and their aboveground attacks are succeeding. They're methodically taking the island from the south, block by block.
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Lothar: And who are these folk? They look...rugged. And smell like trouble.
Smitty: The are friends, Lothar. No need to worry. And they're now apparently homeless, having just trekked in ahead of the southern mutant attacks. They can be valuable to us here.
Deadeye: Come on Two-Lou...just one kiss. Plant one right here....
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Lothar: Behold the Great White Bear in the summit of the sky. Art thou able to house these strangers? Art thou able to provide them with food and shelter? Shall their strength be added to ours? Will they shed their own blood in battle to protect us from miscreants?
Lothar: The Great White Bear doesn't reply Smitty! What are we to do? I wash my hands of this decision!
Smitty: (thinking to himself) He does that every time. When's he going to realize that he's not some kind of prophet??
Two-Lou: If you think I'm going to kiss you, you're mad! I'd just as soon kiss a mule!
Deadeye: Aw c'mon Two-Lou! We've known each other for how long now? Zargon is too old for you! He's not interested! When are you going to get that through your head?
Smitty: Don't go into that "I wash my hands" schpiel again Lothar. You and I both know we that we need every capable warrior we can get. They're going to stay here. And that's final.
Smitty: And if you give me any trouble on this at council...I'm going to take that sword, shove it up your butt, turn you inside-out and make a Popsicle out of you. Comprende?
Smitty: Now....I'd like you to meet our new friends. Zargon, Sawbones, Deadeye, and Two-Lou. This is Lothar everyone. He's very pleased to meet you all....
Deadeye: Can't you see we belong together? Just gimme a chance, Two-Lou...
Deadeye: Can't you see I love you?
Two-Lou: Oh, Deadeye...I'm sorry but....
Deadeye: NA NA NA NANA...I don't want to hear this!!!
Smitty: So, Zargon, your friends would like to get themselves some better clothes, get cleaned up. We should have a feast to celebrate, no?
Smitty: And you, my friend, are in need of more ammo, correct? That's a slight problem. It seems we've been having some trouble getting black-powder in from the mainland. Bandits raiding the incoming supplies. I could use someone capable to check that situation out.
Smitty: A scouting mission per se. Not a SWAT team. Know of anyone who can fill that dance card?
Zargon: I can check it out if you'd like. Give you the logistics of the situation.
Zargon: Maybe even behave diplomatically! Forging an alliance with the bandits would help all of us more than killing them would. Strength in numbers!
Zargon: I should probably go alone, leave the others here. What do you think?
Lothar: Greeting m'Lady....I am Lothar, High Prophet of the Great White Bear. I've been sent omens of your arrival. Prophesy tells of the beautiful woman who needs new clothes, sent to us to mate with the Prophet, bearing our people great warriors.
Two-Lou: Oh...I see...Sorry...I don't do guys with green beards wearing silly hats. What was that about new clothes though? These ones are really not helping the oozing sores.
Two-Lou: And maybe you should drop your eyes a little lower than my chest. That tingling your feeling? That's my knife blade....
Two-Lou: That's what I though you'd say...See? We're not that difficult to get along with now, are we?
Smitty: Great idea Zargon! Wish I'd thought of that. You're a genius! I'm so happy to have you guys here.
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Sentinel 1: We bring news from the
Sentinel 2: battlefront Your Highness.
Sentinel 3: We've captured 5 more
Sentinel 1: blocks northward. Casualties only number
Sentinel 2: Fifteen peons, less than 10
Sentinel 3: percent of our battalion. Better than the 12.5
Sentinel 1: percent you had calculated losing
Sentinel 2: You should be proud of
Sentinel 3: us your Supreme Monstrosity.
Sentinel 1: Will you now reward us with
Sentinel 2: belly rubs? You promised us!! That and
Sentinel 3: Cinnamon rolls.
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Why do I have to deal with such fools, she wonders. Other Royals have strong, competent lieutenants. Underlings with half a brain, who actually understand their station in life. These fools are too dumb to know their own names let alone where they stand in the big picture of the cosmos. As soon as the humans are vanquished, these three go. Pity that their interior organs are probably as acrid tasting as their moronic thoughts. Belly rubs, indeed! Someday my little pets, you'll get your bellies rubbed. With my talons. Slicing you for a nice snack. Maybe by then I'll have younger mouths to feed.
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Queen Arachnia lays there, deep in thought. She'll need to contact her Master, and let him know all is well. After all, her own fate is tied to the fate of these imbecilic abominations. At least she understood her tenuous hold on her place in the cosmos.
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Well...might as well get these cretins working on the next stage. The sooner the better.
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Queen Arachnia: Five blocks? I told you ten!! And for your stupidity the belly rubs are out!! Now get out of here, before I rip your wings off and grind them up for magical potions!!
Sentinel 1: Ten! No you lie
Sentinel 3: She said
Sentinel 2: Five!! Just for that
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Sentinel 1: Noogie Patrol!!!
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No use putting off the inevitable. He insisted on being informed of her progress.
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She gazed into the crystal ball. Soon the swirling mists began to take form. Slowly a shape appeared.
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Queen Arachnia: Oh Great Master, tis I reporting on our advancing troops. We've taken another five city blocks, suffering fewer casualties than expected. Your plan of taking the island from south to north is working brilliantly I might add. I'm awed my your military genius!
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Queen Arachnia: Is all well Master? Have I disappointed you? I can do better...
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Viracocha: I am here. I was not ignoring you. I was visiting the little demons room. I would not ignore you. Your part in my little drama is much too important to ignore. That city is vital to this phase of my plan. Continue....
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Queen Arachnia: You're looking well I might add. I've sent the troops right back into attack mode. They'll soon have another five blocks secured. The humans are fleeing, making our job that much easier. Does that please you? Would you like me to come visit you now? In...the flesh? It will be better than last time, I promise.
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Viracocha: No no no Slave!!! We have genocide to perform here! Plenty of time for those pleasures later! Keep your focus!! Many a war have been lost because leaders minds wander to their own personal benefit!
I hope that wasn't too harsh......
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Sometimes this evil stuff really cramps my style. She was very good last time. I certainly hope I get another little session with her before I have to dispose of her....
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Queen Arachnia: Very well Master. I'm sorry to have caused you displeasure. Would you be happier if I sent you images of the carnage?
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Viracocha: NO insect!! Just carry out the plan! No deviations. Be gone!! Else the only image you'll see is my laughing face as I watch you slowly die!
to be continued
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Zargon: Hey Stubby, how's business? Looks like you're running low on supplies. I hear there's some trouble at the bridge.....
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Zargon: Smitty was looking for someone to come down and check things out. So I volunteered. You know how I am. Always a sucker for a good cause.
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Stubby: Times are tough, Zargon. When supplies are low, prices go up. It's the simple laws of supply and demand.
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Stubby: But if Smitty doesn't get his supplies, we'll be in no position to defend ourselves from the mutants demands! He he...that's a good one, ain't it. You can quote me on that one if you like.
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Stubby: Well...fortunately mutants ain't the problem there. Just a couple of bandits on this side of the bridge. They got this big ole cannon, and they more or less take what they want. Don't know what they're doing with the loot, though. It ain't like theys sellin it to us at a higher price. Either they're stockpiling it somewheres...or...just maybe...they could be dealin it to the mutants. Either way, we ain't yet been in short enough supply fer anyone to bother trying to stop them.
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Stubby: No ammo means no defense....got ya there big guy. Loud and clear.
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Stubby: Yeah....just two guys. One block east of the bridge. They block the street with the cannon. They got a couple machine guns, too. Nothing overly impressive really. Ain't ever even heard 'em fire the canon. Thing might not even work, but ain't no one ever volunteered to test that theory.
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Street woman: Stubby!! Check this out...them bandits at the bridge just tried stopping this wagon...and this girlie who was driving....
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Street woman: ...all galactic like...and she gazes at the bandits...and she's got this staff...like a magical thing or something...she waves it at the bandits...
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Street woman: a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a.....and they drop dead right there!!!
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Stubby: You're kidding me, right? Hey does that navel piercing hurt?
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Street woman: You're such a perv, Stubby!! No I'm not kidding...then she gets back in the wagon and rides away as if nothing happened. I had to run all the way here to tell you about it!
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Stubby: The bandits with the cannon??? They're dead?
Meanwhile Darlyn and Bobby were slowly making progress into the city.
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They were traveling slow due to the horses needing to be reshod, and being on high alert. They didn't want to face another ambush.
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Darlyn: We need to find new shoes for these horses. Poor beasts are almost down to their hooves. They're horses, good ones at that. It's not like we can abuse them as if they were mules or something.
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Darlyn: You wait here, Bobby. I'm going to go ask them where we can find a blacksmith. If you see anything scary, you just yell real loud OK?
Street Woman: Oh yeah...the bandits with the cannon. They're deader than doornails. Seen it with my own eyes, I did. My man Luther and his buddies are wheelin that cannon off to Times Square right now. The underground Times Square that is, not the old one. We can use it for defense.
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Zargon: That's awesome!! Saves me the trouble of killing them myself!!
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Darlyn: Er...excuse me? I'm wondering if you could give me directions?
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Darlyn: Well, sir...I'm looking for a blacksmith, or some place I can get shoes for my horses.
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Darlyn: Er...no no no...this is a special walking stick. Very fragile...nobody touches it.
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Zargon: Indeed I can.
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Zargon: And on the way, you can tell me ALL about your little encounter with the bandits....