“Yes.” I said and I tried to sit up. Pain smashed into the front of my skull as I moved and I gripped my head in my hands. “No.” I said changing my previous statement. It felt like my brain was literally swimming around in my skull bashing about against the bone. The shrill of the phone made me cringe and I put my hands over my ears trying to keep the sound out.
“Mummy the phones ringing.”
“I know. I’m getting there.”
Gingerly I rose to my feet, using the arm of the sofa as support. I felt a mixture of drunk and pain. Like I was floating, but it hurt.
“Hello.” I head Robin say down the phone after she had got fed up of waiting for me to answer it.
“Yes she is, but she is poorly.”
“I don’t know, she can’t get up.”
I heard her say a few yes’s and then the clunk as she placed the receiver back in its cradle.
“Who was that?” I asked.
“Grandma’s doctor.”
“What did he want?” I tried to remain calm, why would her doctor be calling me?
“I don’t know. He asked for you, but I said you were poorly. He told me to get you some water.”
“Ok.”
“Do you want some water?”
“That would be lovely. Thank you.”
I heard her feet as she ran to the kitchen. I listened as she got a glass and filled it before she returned. She held the glass out in front of me and I took it with shaking hands. I gulped the cold liquid down and almost as soon as it went down I could feel it ready to come out again.
Slamming the glass onto the floor I got up and half ran half stumbled before reaching the toilet.
“Mummy?” called Robin through the door. “Mummy are you ok?”
“I’m fine baby.” I said between breaths and my body tried to heave again.
I must have been in the bathroom longer than I thought; maybe I had fallen asleep again. I wasn’t sure, but somehow I was lying on the floor on my side. Mark was leaning over me; Robin was stood at the door hopping impatiently from one foot to the other.
“Vanessa can you hear me?” he said, but his voice sounded distant like he had something covering and muffling his voice.
I put my hand on the cold tiles of the floor and tried to lift my self up, but nothing would work. My arms seemed dead, even my head was unco-operative. Mark slid his arms under me and helped me to sitting position.
“Vanessa?”
“What.” I said and it was hard for me to get my words out. “What are you doing here?” I finally asked.
“I came after Robin told me you couldn’t get up.”
“That was you? On the phone?”
“Yes. I was calling to…” his voice trailed off. “Well it doesn’t matter now.”
I went to ask him what didn’t matter, but my stomach had other ideas. My hand flew to my mouth to stop it as Mark quickly lifted me up and over the toilet bowl. He held me with one arm around my chest and the other holding my hair out of the way.
This was great. Not only was I probably looking like death warmed up, but he was holding me while I threw up. Things didn’t get any better than this did they?
“Ok now?” he said after I stopped for a minute or two.
I nodded and he leant me back against the wall. I gave up trying to open my eyes, they hurt too much. I heard Mark turn the tap on and even the sound of the water splashing into the sink seemed to echo round my head. Something cold landed on my face and I tried to move it away, but Mark moved my hand. “Its only water.” He said. “It’ll help. I think you have a migraine, I remember you getting these all the time at uni”
I managed eventually with Marks support to get into my bed. He helped undress me, then just kind of dropped me as I was and covered me up. Robin ran over and shut the curtains to my room, but it didn’t help really, too much light still flood into my room.
I must have gone to sleep though. My bedroom was dark except for the light seeping in from my partially opened door. I could hear the sound of the muffled voices from the telly and Robin letting out an occasional laugh.
Pulling the covers off I sat up slowly. Pain didn’t grip my head and my stomach didn’t decide it needed emptying. Thank god. My body felt heavy though, as if someone had drained all the energy out of my. My legs felt like lead, but I managed to stand on them.
I cautiously walked to my door and pulled it further open. The light from the lamp in the lounge was strong and I squinted, but it wasn’t as bad as it was before.
“Hey.” Said Mark as he got up from the sofa and came over to me. “How are you feeling?”
“Like crap. Sorry Robin.”
“Good then you’re getting better.”
“Yeah thanks for that. What time is it?”
“Just after 7.”
“Really? God I have to make Robin her tea, she’ll be starving.”
Mark laughed. “Good job I can cook, we have eaten.”
“Oh. I’m sorry.”
“Are you hungry? I can make you something too, would probably do you some good.”
“I am actually.” I hadn’t noticed it before but at the mention of food my stomach growled, thankfully in hunger.
Robin curled up to me as I sat next to her. Mark wondered off to the kitchen. I had no idea what he was making, I didn’t care really. My stomach was empty and I would have eaten anything.
“Are you ok now Mummy?”
“Yes baby I am thank you.”
“What was the matter?”
“I just had one of my bad headaches that’s all and I think I drank to much last night.” I replied.
“Maybe Keller is poorly too then.” She said and I cringed as I mark slammed a cupboard door shut. He had obviously heard her, he would have had to have been deaf not to. The lounge, kitchen and dining room were basically open plan.
“Soups here.” Said Mark as he came over to us. He met my eyes as I moved slowly to the table. The look on his face wasn’t happy, not like it was a few moments ago before he went to cook.
“I can explain.” I said.
“About what?”
“What Robin said.”
“No need. I understand.” He gave me a fake smile, his lips curling up quickly and back down again. “If your feeling ok, I’ll head off. I left work to come here I better go in and explain myself.”
“You don’t have to go.”
Robin’s feet thundered on the floor as she desperately ran to us. “You can’t go.” She said to Mark. “What if mummy gets poorly again?”
He bent down to her level and she eyed him with suspicion as she chewed on the corner of her mouth.
“Your mummy will be fine.”
“She might not be. Please don’t go.”
He sighed and put his head down. “How about I come back on my way home and make sure she’d ok?”
She took in what he suggested and screwed her face up while she decided if that was good enough. “I’ll even leave you my number so if she gets poorly you can ring me. You know how to use a phone don’t you.”
“Promise?” she asked him, hope and fear showing clearly on her face.
“I promise.”
“What time will you come back?”
“A couple of hours or so I expect.”
“One.”
“Two.” He argued back.
“One.”
He went to say two again but the look on her face showed him that she was not going to give up easily. “Alright one.”
Robin seemed happy at that, she didn’t notice that Mark didn’t, but I knew he wouldn’t let her down. “I’ll see you in a bit Vanessa.” He said.
The front door closed behind him and I looked at the bowl of tomato soup in front of me. The sweet smell filling the air, but I suddenly didn’t feel so hungry any more.
Mark did keep his promise. When the hour came round Robin sat next to the window pocking her head through the curtains every time she heard a car go by. When he eventually did arrive she leapt off the chair and flung the front door open for him.
I was sat curled up on the sofa, some mindless drivel on the telly that I was only pretending to watch.
“She wanted to make sure you came back.” I said reasoning why she wasn’t in bed.
Unexpectedly she threw her arms around him and hugged him. “Thank you for coming back.” She said. “Mummy says I have to go to bed when you say she is ok. Do you read?”
I laughed at her sudden change of subject. I knew where this was going; she had got Keller with the very same line. As soon as he had admitted to liking books, she had persisted that he read her a bed time story.
“Mummy is tired can you read my story to me?” she asked when he confirmed he did in fact like books and that he loved reading.
“A story?”
“Pleassse.” She smiled up at him showing her full set of white teeth.
“Well I suppose I can’t really say no now can I.” he laughed.
He followed her to her room after she kissed me good night. I was glad to say his mood seemed better than when he had left. I was hoping it would be, but I was expecting him to be off with me like before.
“She’s asleep.” He said from behind me nearly half an hour later.
“Thank you.” I got up and walked round the sofa to him. “I’m sorry about what she said.”
“It’s fine. Kids say things, unlike adults they say what they think. You look fine so I’ll head off home. You have my number, just call if you need me.”
“And will you come?”
He actually looked shocked by my question for a second, and I almost regretted saying it, but we were dancing round words to much and I just needed a straight answer.
He moved towards me, leaving just a small space between us. He looked me straight in the eyes and I could feel the heat from his breath as it slid across my face. He was so close, I could almost touch him, but I knew if I did he would pull back instantly.
“You don’t know me very well if you have to ask that.”
I reached my hand out and placed it gently on his arm. “I don’t think I ever knew you.” I said my voice low. “I am only just learning who I am.”
“You never wanted to know me Vanessa. You hide from everyone including your self.” He said. “It’s like you have this big thick wall and you wont let anyone in.”
“If people got in then they could have hurt me.” As I said it I knew it sounded stupid, but that’s how felt.
“Do you ever think I would have hurt you? I have never been with anyone since you, do you know that? Not properly I mean. And do you know why?
“No.”
“Because they weren’t you, they never could be.”
I felt the chill run just under the surface of my skin. It wasn’t cold, but his words ran over me. How had I ever been so stupid to let him go? I never truly understood what I had until now.
I leant forward and closed the tiny gap between us. I pressed my mouth up against his, it was warm and soft. Just as I remembered. He opened his lips to me and let me in to explore him deeper, his hands slid through my hair and rested at the back of my head.
I kissed him deeper his mouth was the only thing keeping me from crying. He pulled me into him so I was pressed up against his firm chest and for the first time in a while I felt like I was where I was supposed to be.
“What's wrong?” I asked as he broke away, not meeting my eyes.
“I’m sorry, I have to go.”
“Go?” I was shocked, he had been kissing me back I was sure of it, it wasn’t just me imagining things, reading the signs all wrong. A tear freed it self at the thought of him leaving. Mark gave a half hearted smile as he stepped backwards.
“Night Vanessa.”
I watched open mouth as he walked away from me and left. What had I done wrong? I sank down and buried my head in the soft cushions of the sofa, I didn’t get it; I thought we were making progress. I thought I might have stood a chance of getting him back.
