“Vanessa.” She said. Her voice was almost as nervous as mine. “I was. Damn.” She said pausing. “You’ll find out anyway. I haven’t gone yet. I haven’t had time to find anywhere.”
I looked at Robin who was not at all interested in our conversation but I didn’t want her to hear this.
“Baby. I think Bex needs to pop out.” I said hoping she would take him to the small garden I had. I could see her through the glass and she was with Bexley, so I know she would be safe. Plus I had to start relaxing. It was over now, done with. The guy had got his money; there was no reason for him to take Robin. The night before just seemed like some imaginary memory that wasn’t real.
We both waited silently as Robin sighed, saved her game and coaxed Bexley outside.
“You don’t need to explain.” I began as the door shut. “I was a bitch.”
“You weren’t.”
“Yes I was.”
She laughed. “Ok you were, but that’s you.”
“Yeah thanks for that.” I said. “You don’t have to leave Mace. Just ignore what I said the other day, it wasn’t your fault. It was mine.”
“No, you’re probably right.”
“Mace.”
“So I don’t have to leave?” she asked
“No.” she put her hand to her chest and let out the breath she was holding.
“How about dinner and wine at mine tonight? A peace offering.”
“That’d be great.” She smiled.
“Good, be round by 7?”
I didn’t paint anymore that day. What with the confrontation with Melody and the near miss with Macey I didn’t have the energy.
Robin groaned at having to leave her game just at a good part, but I promised her we would get her paddling pool out when we got home and then we would go to the supermarket, she soon turned it off. Bribery is a mother’s best friend sometimes. I don’t think Bexley really cared where he was as long as he was with us he seemed happy. I told Catrine that I was going and left the place in her safe hands.
Robin was in her swimming costume faster than I had made a coffee. She smiled at me waiting for me to get the pool put for her.
“Alright speedy.” I laughed putting my cup down.
She followed me to the shed and we pulled it out from underneath all her other garden toys. Laying it out on the grass she gave a tiny groan as she saw that the bottom of it was torn neatly through the middle. Even Bexley seemed to be upset by this and he lay down next to it, his eyes looking sad.
“Its ok, we can get another one.”
“Now?” she asked pleadingly.
I looked from her sad face to Bexley’s. “Yes now. Go and get dressed again.”
---------------------------------------
I browsed through the women’s weekly’s and Robin was bent down looking at the comics when I heard my name. I turned and Mark was behind me with his own shopping trolley.
“Hi,” I said.
“How have you been?” he asked obviously not sure what to say now he had actually said hello.
“Good. We’re just after a paddling pool.”
“Oh. I’m just getting some things.”
“I can see that.”
“Yes, well.” He sighed and took a deep breath.” I’ll see you later Vanessa.”
“Bye.” I said waving my hand at him. I watched him walked away down the isle as I personally cursed my self for not saying more, but then what could I have said to him? I’m sorry I slept with your best mate and had his baby? Yeah right. Maybe somewhere in another time things are different, but not here, here I had mucked everything up for all of us.
My problem wasn’t that I didn’t know what to say to him. I had loads of things I wanted to say, but I couldn’t get the words out. Did I love him? I don’t know. For so long I had told myself that I didn’t, that I couldn’t possibly love anyone and they couldn’t love me, but as I watched him walking away I could feel me stomach sinking, the kind of feeling you get when you realise you left something really important at home. Was that love?
I walked along the isles with Robin in tow. I quickened my pace as I surveyed the isles through the haze of people buying their weekly shopping. I wasn’t sure I wanted to bump into Mark again and the chance that he was still here was minimal, he hated shopping if I remembered right.
But still I scanned everywhere just in case. I don’t know what I would have said to him if I had seen him again. I would have probably spluttered my way through more pathetic hellos and how are you’s.
I queued and paid up at the cash register, disappointment strangely settling into my gut. Robin had chosen a bigger paddling pool and was oblivious to my drop in mood. Good.
She babbled all the way to the car about the meaningful things of a six year olds life such as what she was going to have for tea, and what time would she be going to bed. And wouldn’t it be nice if she didn’t have to go back to school in a week. Ah the world through the eyes of a child. I almost didn’t want her to grow up and learn the hard truth about real life.
We sat in the car, the boot loaded with shopping and other things that we probably didn’t need. I turned the key in the ignition and… nothing. I tried it again. The car didn’t even give a complaining stutter it was just dead.
People walked past and stared at me as I stood by my car with my mobile by my ear and the bonnet of the car propped open. I didn’t know a thing about cars, not really, I hade no idea what I expected to see or even fix, but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
“Everything ok?” asked a voice as I pulled my phone away from my ear. Frustrated that I couldn’t get hold of anyone to pick us up.
Marks deep blue eyes stared at me waiting for an answer and I swallowed hard at the site of him.
“The car’s dead.” I said sheepishly. “And I can’t get hold of my family.”
“Would you like a lift home?”
“Uh-oh.”
“Well, your car’s stuffed, and I’m passing your way.”
We loaded my stuff into the boot of his car and I left a note on my windscreen that the car would be picked up later. I also let the manager know, just in case. The last thing I wanted was my car to be toed away. That would really be the highlight of my month.
“Would you like a coffee?” I said as we pulled up. “To thank you for helping us.”
“I don’t know.” He said rubbing the inside corners of both of his eyes.
“It’s only coffee Mark.”
“I know” A thousand thoughts seemed to go across his face in a split second. I wish I could tell what he was thinking. No doubt he was deciding if he should risk it or not.
“Yeah why not.” He said and he actually smiled at me.
Robin had the paddling pool open and was filling it with the hose pipe while I put the kettle on to boil and put away the shopping. Mark stood by the window watching her and Bexley. Bexley was trying to bite the water as it flowed through the air and into the pool. He was already soaked, but they were enjoying them selves.
“She’s a real credit to you.” He said not taking his eyes off her. “She looks like your mother.”
I handed him his steaming cup of coffee and stood next to him. “She does. Sometimes looking at her makes me wonder what my mother was like.”
I lifted the cup to my face and let the aroma of coffee float through my system, the steam heating my face and helping to stop the tears that were forming in my eyes from the thought of my mother.
He lifted his hand to my face and I instinctively flinched back a step, but he smiled and I stopped. He used the tips of his fingers to wipe away the tear that had escaped. He rubbed his fingers together where the tear soaked into his skin and raised his eyes up to meet mine. “It still gets to you like it used to?” he said making it a question.
“I have my moments.”
“You know you were never good at hiding it from me, all those times you had something in your eye.”
“I never realised you noticed.”
“I always noticed you.” He said and I knew he wasn’t just talking about the tears.
His hand moved as if he was going to touch me, but he stopped mid air, before pulling it away again and moving it through his hair. It reminded me the way the teen boy fakes a yawn in some cheesy movie before stretching his arm out and putting it around the girl. Only this time Mark kept his hands to himself.
I stared at him waiting. I had no idea what to do. He took a step closer to me and I wasn’t sure what he was planning. It seemed like so many decisions were going round in his head and he didn’t know which one to follow.
The light tap on the door made us both break eye contact, the tension level seemed to drop, but I could still feel my heart beating harshly in my chest.
“I’ll go and check on Robin. “He said speaking first.”
I watched him go for a second before going to answer my front door.
Keller had opened the front door and his head was pocking round the gap. His face lit up when he saw me and my heart sank. Not in disappointment that he was here, just that he was here now and so was Mark. Shit how did I get my self into these things.
“Oh crap.” I said as I answered the door.
“What a lovely greeting. Pleased to see you too Vanessa.”
“No it’s not that. I forgot you were coming. You’re early.”
“Yeah I came straight from work. Do you want me to go?”
“Robin wants to know…” said Mark his voice trailing off when he saw Keller at the door.
“Hello Keller.”
Keller’s body seemed to stiffen. I know they had or at least Mark had worked things out, but Keller looked like he was ready for Mark to pounce, and from the look on Marks face I was expecting the same. It was like watching two cats and seeing which one would strike first.
