Ok, a fairly large update. A lot of pics because..oh, that would spoil it. But this is my favorite part here. Enjoy!
-------------------
I haven't been with a man since Dirk left me. Being a single mother with two kids doesn't exactly leave me with much time for dating.
Besides, I don't want to be hurt. I don't want to get to the point where he wants to take the relationship to the next level. I'm not ready for that. What if I get pregnant again? I can't afford another child. I can't afford to loose this apartment.
I'm only 19 now, and things are going to get worse. I only have three years left bfore I'm forced to leave. There's this rule that I have to get myself together by my 22nd birthday. I'm really nervous about living on my own because...well, what if I don't have the money? I'll have to hire and pay for a babysitter, there's rent, the utilities, all sorts of new costs.
There's this guy at my jon, Don Lothario, he says he can help me find a nice condo to live in. It's in the same complex as his, and there are a couple vacancies. He says they're nice houses with enough room for me and my girls. He's a nice guy, though I can't help but wonder why he's paying so much attention to me. I mean, there are so many other women in our office, so many women olderthan me, so many without my baggage.
He tells me I'm beautiful, that my eyes are alluring. I don't think it's proper for him to be paying all this attention to me. He's so mcuh older than me. Many of the other women assure me that he's ok. They even say he's never been nervous around any woman...except me. They say he has a small side job as an ameture photographer. He asked me to model for him. I said yes. I'm not stupid, but I am desperate, and he offers good money. I wasn't going to go it alone, though.
"Seraphim, I'm thinking about taking Don up on his offer. Would you mind going with me? Just so I feel safe?"
"Of course, Lilith! But you don't have anything to worry about, and you'll be surprised at how good the photos look. Don is a genius. Not only will he pay you, but when he sells your pictures, he'll give you a cut of the money. I only wish he'd pay half as much attention to me as he does to you. I've been trying to bag that man for years."
So it was settled. Don was ecstatic that I'd be modeling for him. He didn't even mind that Seraphim was coming along. Of course, I didn't tell him why I was asking her to go.
We decided to meet that weekend to do some test shots. I was surprised at how professional Don was through the enire thing. He let me choose the outfits I wanted to wear and Seraphim insisted on doing my hair and makeup (for that "edgy fashion look" she said). He encouraged me to open up, to let loose, to be carefree.
It was a feeling that I'd never felt before. It felt so good to be there in front of the camera, so good to hear someone telling me "beautiful smile, Lilith!" or "that's it! You're flawless!" No one had ever told me this before. No one had ever said such things to me, and the pictures! Oh, they were absolutely beautiful!
Seraphim even took a couple pictures.
I couldn't believe that I was looking at myself. I thanked Don and he told me that my check would be in the mail. He discussed with me all the terms of my payment, and then we were done.
"You were wonderful, Lilith. Just wonderful."
Such simple words. He hugged me as I was about to leave, and my heart fluttered. I didn't think anything of it, then. I was still feeling euphoric. Nothing had ever felt that good.
So started my "modeling carrer." Every weekedn, I'd go to Don's house, take my pictures, and get at least $1000. The girls and I were able to catch up on debt, and we could make more money if the three of us posed together.
We did a couple ads for clothing stores, some promotion ads for a part, that sort of thing. I got the added benefit of being more confident in myself. I felt reassured that I was important. Everone noticed the change in me, maybe Don most of all. By the time my 21st birthday came around, I was able to afford one of the condos in Don's complex. He was such a good friend, and I think I began to feel something that I hadn't felt in a long time.
"You're glowing, Lilith."
"What's that, Sera?"
"Women glow when they're in love."
"You're point?"
"I think I know what it's like to have feelings for a boy."
I smiled. Perhaps I was glowing. Perhaps, for the first time in six years, I was really happy. Bailey smiled at me and Addy just giggled.
"You are happy momma."
I covered my face like a school girl. I felt so young, so adored and loved. Yet I hadn't forgotten what happened the last time I felt that way. I hadn't forgotten where love leads.
I had made plans to have dinner at Don's house that night. Addison assured me that she and Bailey would be alright for a couple hours, so I went ahead and hired a babysitter. When I got to Don's place, I felt a little underdressed. He was in this really nice suit, and I had just gotten off from work.
"Please, Lilith, make yourself at home."
His place was so mcuh nicer than mine. How I began to think of all our differences. He was older than me (he was 32 and me 21), and he made more money than I did. He didn't have kids, I did. My palms began to sweat, and I couldn't help jumping when he put his hand on the small of my back.
I tried to tell him I was really nervous, but he led me to the table where he had a candelight dinner set up. I was flattered that he would go through so much trouble for me.
"Lilith, there's something I have to tell you. I've watched you grow and come into your own. You are such a beautiful woman. So caring, so affectionate. I tried my hardest to suppress these feelings but...I can't. From the moment I saw you, I knew you were special."
How could I reject him now that he'd spilled his heart to me? I looked up from my plate to notice that Don was shaking, too.
As we sat on the couch a little later, he smiled at me.
"I've never felt this strong about any woman before. Heh. You're the first woman to make me shake like this."
I felt electricity go through my veins. He put his arm around me as we sat watching a movie. H ewas so warm. I had gotten so used to sleeping by myself or with one of the girls that I had forgotten, if I ever knew, what it felt like to be held by a man. It felt so good, and I lost myself in the moment. The next thing I knew, he was on top of me, and we were kissing.
I felt his hands grabbing me, felt my heart beat fast, felt his breathing get heavy. I could feel the air on my stomach and I panicked. No matter how much my heart wanted this, my brain panicked.
"No, Don, stop. Stop!"
He was hovering over me, his breathing still heavy. He got off.
"Jesus H. Christ, Lilith! I pour my heart out to you, practically tell you I'm in LOVE with you...You get me all worked up...You're nothing but a tease!"
"Don, no! Please, that's not it, it's me. I'm just...just..."
"Just what, Lilith? How do you feel about me?"
"Don, you know."
"No, I DON'T know, Lilith." You're sending me mixed signals. One day we're more than friends, the next you're telling me to back off. Do you even know what the hell you want?"
"I want what's best for my girls--"
"What about you?"
I wanted to hug him, to take back the pain I had caused, but he moved away from me.
"Maybe it's best you go home, Lilith."
The walk back to my condo was the longest walk I had ever taken. What had become of me? How far had I let myself slip? I just proved that I couldn't give myself up to Don. Could I ever give myself to anyone?
