Anna's Diary
Theraven:
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When my counciousness finally returned, I was in my bed again. I felt my belly. It was completely flat. Instead of the bump that had been there, a bandage was in its place. I panicked. Where was my baby? Was it even alive? I opened my eyes, and looked straight into Ian’s worried face.
“You really gave me a fright, there, Honey. I’ve been so worried I almost couldn’t sleep.” He tried to smile, but I could see from the strained look in his face it wasn’t easy.
“Where’s the baby? Please tell me it’s all right!” I swallowed.
“Calm down, Anna. He’s ok. They had to put him in an incubator, because his heartbeat was a bit slow, and he needs a bit of help to breathe – but the doctors say he’s going to be all right.”
“It’s a boy?” I smiled.
“Yes, a beautiful little boy, as beautiful as all the other children we’ve got.”
I relaxed, and my panicky breathing slowly got back to normal.
“Do you know what happened?”
“The doctor I talked with said that your body for some reason tried to reject the baby. They had to get the baby out before he – or you – died. They also had to operate him right after getting him out – something about him having a small heart failure – but he’s fine now.”
“That’s good.” I could see tears in the corner of his eye, and he looked really tired.
“Are you all right, Ian?”
“Yes. It’s just that I’ve been sitting here with you all the time since you came out of the surgery room, almost two days ago. The children are with the neighbour, if you wonder.” He stroked my cheek.
“I love you. Don’t ever give me a fright like that again.”
“I’ll try not.” I hugged him. “Can we go see the baby now?”
We went to the maternity ward together, and then found a nurse there that directed us to the intensive care nursery. We were almost afraid to go in. We just stood there, looking at the little ones in the incubators through the window. I wondered which one was ours.
“Looking for someone?” a nurse said, walking up behind us. She smiled. “You must be Anna. Come, I’ll show you the little wonder.”
She directed us towards an incubator standing against the wall. A tiny baby wrapped up in a blue blanket lay inside it.
“Here’s your little boy. He’s a real fighter, that one.”
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We stood there watching him for a little while. It was weird to think that he was really here. He’d been in my belly, and when I woke up, he was suddenly not there anymore, but in an incubator.
“Do you want to hold him?” the nurse asked.
I nodded, unable to speak right then. She sat me down in a soft blue chair, which looked oddly misplaced in the otherwise sterile room. After a few minutes, she handed me the little one, and rearranged the tubes and wires that were connected to his tiny body.
He looked so helpless and frail under all of it, that I was almost afraid of touching him.
“It’s good for premature babies to be touched and talked to, especially from their parents. Don’t be afraid. He’s stronger than it seems.” The nurse went over to another incubator.
Ian kneeled down next to us, and touched the baby’s cheek. “Hello, little one. I’m your daddy, and this,” he pointed towards me, “is your mother.”
I smiled. Ian had to be the perfect father. I looked closer at the little boy in my arms. He didn’t have much hair, but the little of it I could see, was brown like Ian’s. His eyes had the exact same shade of blue as Ian’s, too.
He was a perfect little copy of Ian, just like our girls were like small copies of me when I was little. Ian was right. The boy was beautiful. It suddenly striked me we hadn’t decided his name yet. Everything had gone so quickly, and now, almost two months too early, he was suddenly here.
“What do you think we should name him, Ian? We can’t call him ‘boy’ or ‘baby’ forever, you know.”
We sat there for a while, trying to figure out a good name for him, while we admired our little wonder, talked to him and cuddled him. “Tom?” “No, I don’t think so. What about Ulric?” “Definitely not. Jeremy?” “Nah, I don’t like it. Darren?”
In the end, Ian came up with the perfect name. “What about Liam, then?”
I thought about it. “It’s a cute name. I like it. Liam it is, then?”
“Liam it is. Hello, little Liam!”
The boy, who had been sleeping, opened his eyes, and I could almost swear I saw a little smile on his mouth when he heard his name. “See, he likes it, too!”
I sang a little song for him then – the one Angela had made for Alice. Our time together with him was wonderful – until the doctor came in.
“I see you’ve finally met your baby. He’s a really cute boy, that one. But I’m afraid I’ve come to get you, Anna. We have to start the treatment at once. We discovered when we got the baby out that the cancer has spread to other parts of your body. We thought that a bone merrow transplant would be the best treatment, but because of the spreading, we can’t do that anymore. Now it’s down to medication and radiation therapy like the last time.”
The happiness about meeting little Liam, faded quickly with the doctor’s words.
“Isolation, too?” I said, almost afraid to ask.
“Yes. Ian can visit you, but I’m afraid your children can’t. Especially this one,” he indicated Liam, “because the medication we have to give you makes your touch sort of poisonous to him, and since he’s both weak from the surgery, and premature, he gets infections even easier than you right now.”
I hugged Liam one last time, before I gave him back to the nurse, who carefully put him back into the incubator again.
After a tear-wet farewell with little Liam, I sat down in the wheelchair the doctor had brought with him, and it was back into the isolation room.
Steeling myself up for the time ahead, I tried to think positive thoughts. Liam was safe, and that was the most important to me right then. I also knew the doctors were afraid it might be too late to start the treatment, but I tried to keep my hopes up.
Theraven:
The treatment was even worse this time, since I wasn’t allowed to see my children. I got really weak, and even a small cold could be really dangerous to me. I just lay there in my bed, day in and day out, waiting to get well again, and crying a lot.
I knew, this time, that I had something to really live for – my children, and Ian. I knew I was going to get well again. I just knew. I wanted to see my children grow up, and I wanted to get old with Ian, getting grandchildren and great-grandchildren.
This time I didn’t cry when I started to lose my hair. I just sighed, and stopped looking myself in the mirror.
Like Ian said, looks wasn’t everything. I knew he loved me no matter how I looked – even though I felt I looked like a zombie.
I used the internet diary a lot. I let out all of my worrying thoughts into writing, and I got only positive responses, which spirited me up.
Ian comforted me when the treatment made me ill, and he could sit for hours just holding around me when I cried, which I did a lot, especially from missing our children. My body ached almost all the time, so the doctors often had to give me strong painkillers just so I could sleep.
Ian told me everything that happened with the children, and gave me things they’d made for me, like the cd with a beautiful self-written song from Angela, the self-drawn get-well-card Alice had made (it was only a folded paper with a big blob of colors at the front, and a drawing inside, but I knew that all her love for me was in it), and from Brian a picture of everyone in our family – including little Liam – saying ‘we all miss you’. I hated being isolated from everyone. Especially my family.
I saw only doctors and Ian for four whole months. When I finally got a break in the treatment, and was allowed to go home for a short visit, the first thing I did, was to hold around my children, hugging them for a long time.
Liam was also allowed to come home together with me. He was still a bit weak, and had had both colic and a bad pneumonia at the hospital, but now he was better.
To be together with my children and husband lifted my spirits, and I felt really happy just being with my loved ones, and I enjoyed every second. After a week, I had to go back to the hospital. I felt weak, but at the same time, I felt stronger, more ready for the hard time in front of me.
But the happiness I had felt earlier quickly came to an end. My body ached worse than ever, and I had troubles just standing straight.
“The cancer has spread to your skeleton, I’m afraid. That’s why you’re having these pains,” the doctor said.
“The treatment isn’t working as it should, and the cancer has gotten a too good hold in your body. It’s not much else we can do other than hope for the best, and ease your pains with stronger painkillers than the ones you’re using at the moment. The treatment might still work, but we have to change the medication to something stronger, too.”
They did. This new medication was a lot stronger, and I felt even sicker than before. I couldn’t stand on my feet without support, and only a visit to the toilet was like climbing Mount Everest, only a lot harder. Every day was harder to come through than the day before. But whatever the doctors tried, nothing seemed to work. I just got worse...
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Theraven:
Dear diary
I know the doctors have tried everything, and that they say I may not have much time left, but I know that this time everything will be all right. This time I have someone to live for, and someone to really love – Ian and our children. I’m trying my best to stay alive for them, even though I feel weak and really sick most of the time. They’ve just been here. The children are allowed to visit me now, as long as they’re not sick themselves.
Liam’s about fifteen months now and can say words like “mama” and “dadda” and even “Angla”, “Alis” and “Bran”. Ian is so proud of him, and teaches him new words every day..
He’s soo cute when he’s running around, babbling in his own weird language and playing with Alice, although – according to Ian – he’s starting to show the same behaviour that Angela and Brian had at his age, like ripping down flowerpots and such. Ian is running around in the house nowadays, trying to keep Liam away from everything that can break and everything that is climbable – and trying to find him when he hides.
Little Alice is a little over two years old, and talks like mad about everything that has happened to her in the day care, where Liam also goes. She watches out for Liam, and keeps him busy, so he doesn’t get himself into too much trouble.
Angela writes a lot of songs, and at school, she usually gets good grades, mostly A’s and B’s – just like Brian. And thanks to him, my laptop finally works again after I managed to spill a cup of coffee on it.
Both of them are really good with the little ones, and Ian says it’s a really good help having them there. They’re having dinner in the cafeteria now, and Ian said they were going to come back afterwards. But I’m a bit tired, so I think I have to say good bye before I fall asleep sitting up, so bye for now.
I put the laptop on the table next to my bed. My eyes felt really heavy. I hadn’t slept well lately, because my body was hurting a lot, so now I almost couldn’t keep my eyes open. Maybe I should close them. Just for a moment. Only until Ian came back. The bed was so soft that I couldn’t resist.
I lay my head down on the pillow, and covered myself with the blanket. The bed was so comfortable it almost felt like I was floating in the sky, among the couds.
And who knows? Maybe I was…
Theraven:
This is the final chapter - the epilogue, really - in Anna’s story (which I’m posting today so I can put my mind to the pile of schoolwork waiting for me…). I hope you’ll like it.
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This last chapter is dedicated to the memory of my beloved brother that went away far too soon, and my grandmother that died of cancer this summer. I will always miss you.
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Chapter 14: EPILOGUE
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Hello, I’m Ian, Anna’s husband. You’ve probably heard about me, since Anna told me she’d written about me and our children.
Anna died six months ago. She’d been fighting her disease hard, and had her hopes up all the time, but her body gave up before her. The doctors tried everything they could to make her well again, but the cancer spread too fast for them to do anything. They found Anna dead in her bed, looking peaceful and asleep, with a smile on her face.
Her funeral was beautiful. Angela sang one of her own songs and I don’t think there was one dry eye left in the church. Alice cried all the time and I was unable to calm her down.
I’ve been out of myself lately. I loved Anna, and I still love her, even though she’s gone. Life’s hard without her, both for me and the children. Little Liam, now almost two years old, cries for “mommy” everytime he sees a photo of her, just like Alice, and I had to take Angela and Brian out of school for a while, because they couldn’t concentrate and cried all the time. Me myself, I haven’t been able to go to work at all. Like I said, life without Anna is hard. But there’s nothing we can do about it, no matter how much we wish her back. Life isn’t fair, and our family knows that better than anyone.
“Daddy?” little Liam looked up at me.
He was sitting at the floor next to my feet, chewing on the leg of his teddybear.
“What is it, dear?” I picked him up from the floor.
“Daddy sad?” He said, and touched my cheek. “Daddy crying.”
“I’m just thinking about mommy. You remember her, don’t you?”
“Mommy?” he said, and looked around. “Mommy here?”
“No, mommy is not here, Liam. Mommy is gone.”
“No, Mommy not here. Mommy angel. Flying in sky!” he threw his arms up to demonstrate.
“Yes, mommy is flying in the sky with all the other angels, and right now, she’s looking down at us.”
Liam looked towards the window, and studied the sky for a few minutes. “Liam not see her. Mommy play hide and seek?”
I smiled, and gave Liam a big hug.
“Maybe she is, Liam. Maybe she is…”
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I might continue the story from some of the children’s point of view (when I come up with something to continue it with), but for now, Anna’s story is finished.
And I really hope you liked it!
(I love getting comments, so if there’s anything you’d like to say about my story – say it! :D)
Hidden~Secret:
this story is amazing and I hope you do continue!
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