Anna's Diary
Theraven:
The days went past. I talked a lot with Ian. Everytime I saw him, I brightened, and felt that my life finally was worth living.
I watched while Ian took his first (not wobbly) steps after the accident, and he comforted me when the treatment made me sick. He met my family, and they all liked him a lot. And when Ian’s family came to visit, he introduced me to them as ‘his girlfriend’, which made me really happy. I often smiled at the thought about us getting better together. In the nights, he sneaked into my room, and we talked (and kissed) half the night.
Dear diary
I love my life! I’ve met the man I love, and I’m really enjoying my life right now. Well, not the fact that I’m still sick with leukemia, but I’m getting better all the time. Yesterday, Ian proposed to me! I got really shocked, and was unable to say a word. I think he even was a bit afraid I would say no, but I was only speechless with joy. My dream finally came true!
When were both out of the hospital, we’re going to be married! I can’t wait. Well, I’ve got one of my (hopefully) last radiation treatments tomorrow, and Ian can now walk steady (if not yet run) and doesn’t need the wheelchair anymore, so he’s almost ready to go home. He said he really wanted me to move in with him. He’s got an apartment big enough for both of us, so I don’t have to live in that tiny room that I shared with Tiffany. I have to retake my studies, of course, and she’s now in the year above me, since I’ve been at the hospital for almost ten months. But I don’t care. My life is wonderful, and I’m happy! Bye, bye for now!
I looked at what I’d been writing, and smiled. Nothing could ruin my life now, because everything was perfect.
“There you are, Anna. I’ve been looking for you.” The doctor said.
“Yup, I’m here. Is something wrong?”
“No, quite the opposite. I’ve been looking at your test results, and they shows that the cancer is almost gone from your body, so it seems we must say goodbye soon. But I came to tell you that your radiation therapy has been moved from tomorrow morning to this evening.”
“Thanks for telling me,” I said. The doctor left.
I put my laptop on the table next to me, and lay down in the bed. I was really tired, since, well, obviously I hadn’t gotten much sleep the night before. I slept until the doctor came to take me to the therapy.
Ian met me on my way there. He was going home in about a week, and hopefully, I would be out of the hospital a week after him. I was really looking forward to moving in with him. He was there all the time, watching me, and after the therapy, he followed me back to my room.
I have to say I didn’t get much sleep that night, either.
Finally, after two weeks, it was time for me to go home. I packed my things in a hurry, and Ian picked me up in his new car.
The old one was a wreck, of course, so he had had to buy a new one. We drove to his apartment. It was quite small, but it also had a welcoming atmosphere, so I liked it at once.
He helped me unpack, and when finished, we called for pizza, and had a really good time our first evening (and night) together, all alone.
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note to observant readers :D
(just have to say that Anna was wearing a wig in two of the last pictures... :D just so you know... forgot she was supposed to be bald in that scene, and my computer messed up before I could fix it, if I remember it correctly)
Theraven:
We both had to finish our studies, of course, and we continued living in Ian’s apartment after we both graduated. After that, I got a job as a teacher at the local elementary school, while Ian started working at a lawyer’s office. We married not long after, and had an amazing wedding, where everybody we knew was invited.
We spent our honeymoon in Paris. We had a really good time, and came home even more in love than when we left – if that was possible.
Our life together was almost dreamlike, and everything was just perfect. But then I started to feel sick. I was really afraid it might be leukemia again, because the doctors had warned me that it was possible it could come back.
“You should really go to the doctor, Anna,” Ian said after the third time I came out from the bathroom one morning. “I’m worried about you.”
I’d been feeling queasy for a few weeks, and had lost some of my appetite. “I know. I’m worried it might be…you know…it.”
“I know you’re afraid, but you can’t walk around here all day worrying. Let’s just take the day off, and I’ll drive you to the hospital.” I protested at first, but in the end, I agreed. I called my doctor, and asked to get an appointment that day. He said we could come at once. The doctor ran a few tests, and then asked us to wait a bit outside his office. I was really nervous about what the answer might be, but having Ian there, helped a lot. The door opened, and the doctor came out. He was smiling.
“I actually think I’ve got good news this time. You’re perfectly healthy; well, perhaps in spite of the morning sickness you’ve been having lately. You’re pregnant.”
I was so relieved I almost jumped out of the chair and started cheering.
”We’re going to be parents!” Ian smiled, and gave me a big hug. The doctor asked if we wanted to see the baby, and of course we said yes.
The ultrasound pictures showed enough that we could see a little something on the screen, although it didn’t look like a baby just yet.
We were so happy we couldn’t think about anything else than the little one that would be born in less than seven months. We started looking around for a new place to live, since Ian’s apartment was too small for three (or more) people, and because we of course hoped for more children than just this one in the future. We finally found the perfect house. It had a big garden, and was located in a calm and quiet place with very little traffic – perfect for families with young children, especially since several of the neighbours had children of their own.
We moved in, with a lot of help from our friends and family. They also helped us redecorate some of the rooms, the baby’s room included.
I and Ian could go around in shops for hours looking for things to the baby. We didn’t know if we were going to have a girl or a boy yet, so we bought whatever we could that fit both, and decided to finish the decorating after the baby was born.
When my belly started to show, Ian could sit for hours just feeling my belly and talking to the baby together with me. We were both really looking forwards to becoming parents.
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Then the big day finally came. I’d gotten maternity leave from work, and was home watching TV when the water broke.
I called Ian, who was still at work. ”The baby… is coming! Get home… now!” I was a bit panicky, because it hurt so much, and even after all those breathing excersises I’d practised, I couldn’t remember a single one. Ian drove home as fast as he could, grabbed the bag with my things that stood beside the door, and helped me into the car. I think we broke a couple of speed limits on our way to the hospital, but we got there in time.
I had a hard time getting birth to the baby, so after four hours when the doctor announced: “It’s a girl!” I was completely exhausted.
But when I got the little wailing baby into my hands, and she looked into my eyes and suddenly stopped crying, I knew it was worth it, and the exhaustion was completely forgotten.
Ian sat down next to me, and the rest of the day, all we did was admire our little wonder. She was really beautiful, and had red hair and green eyes like me. Ian finished the decorating of her room, and three days after her birth, we could finally take her home.
We decided to call her Angela, because in our eyes, she looked like a little angel, and she surely acted like one. She cried little, and all she did was eat and sleep.
Friends and family visited us a lot the first weeks. It was a wonder Angela got any sleep at all with all the people that wanted to hold her, feed her and play with her. Especially my mother was really thrilled when she met her little granddaughter the first time. My sister, now a teenager, played peek-a-boo with Angela until she fell asleep (my sister really did look a lot like me – it seemed like almost all the girls and also a lot of boys in dad’s family-line got red hair, and Angela was no exception).
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Angela grew fast, and at the time she was almost one year old, I was already pregnant with number two. Since Angela’s room was quite big, we put in another bed, and redecorated the other corner for the next baby, since having them in the same room seemed practical. This time, we knew we were going to have a boy. Angela was really excited and yelled “bibi-bother” all the time.
Angela learned to walk when she was ten months, and was running around in the house causing trouble when I, in the middle of running after her – which was not easy because of my big belly – all of a sudden, felt the water breaking again, and the contractions felt almost worse than the last time.
Luckily Ian was at home, since it was Saturday. He scooped up Angela – who was in the middle of throwing the tv-remote control and my favourite book in the toilet – grabbed my bag, and supported me to the car. We drove to the hospital with a really annoyed Angela in the back seat (she didn’t like it when she was stopped in the middle of having fun running around and throwing things in the toilet – her favourite hobby at the time).
This time the birthing went faster, and after just an hour, a healthy and beautiful little boy saw the world for the first time in his life.
He had blonde hair, probably from my mother – she had blonde hair before she coloured it brown – and blue eyes just like Ian. We decided to name him Brian.
We learned fast that having a baby and a toddler in the house was a whole lot more difficult and tiring than just having Angela.
Brian cried a lot more than Angela had, and with Angela messing around, ripping down flowerpots and having tantrums, we were really exhausted at the end of every day. After a year, when Brian also had taken his first steps, we quickly learned that having two toddlers were even harder.
But no matter the mess they were causing, and no matter how many tantrums a day (and there were a lot of them), we loved them more than anything else in the world.
Theraven:
The years went past, and the children grew. At the ages of seven and eight, Brian and Angela had a lot of hobbies. Angela got really good in playing the piano, and even wrote her own songs. To Brian’s annoyance, she insisted singing them, too – but luckily, she had a beautiful voice. She also looked almost like a copy of me when I was at her age.
Brian, on the other hand, turned out to be some kind of a genius with computers. His first one, he opened up two days after he got it, to see what was inside. After putting it together again, it was upgraded and worked much faster. He could fix any computer problems, and learned all the advanced programs really quickly. He also read a lot, and could read a 500 page book in a day if he wanted to – which he did often. They both got really good grades at school, and had a lot of friends there.
Then I got pregnant again. Luckily, we hadn’t done anything with the room we had used for Angela and Brian when they were babies, so everything was ready for the little one when it came.
The children got really worked up about it, and often wanted to feel the baby kick inside my belly. Angela wrote a good-night song to the little baby, and Brian made a beautiful picture on his computer that we hung on the wall in the baby-room.
I was asleep when I felt the contractions start this time. We got dressed in a hurry (not easy when it hurts) and woke the children, since calling a nanny would’ve taken too long.
Ian drove us to the hospital, and when we got there, he asked the kids to stay outside the door with a nurse. Both of them wanted to come in to watch, and Ian didn’t know what to say – but the nurse saved him, and told them that only Ian was allowed to come in.
When little Alice was finally born, the kids almost stumbled over each other, running inside to see her.
“She looks just like me!” Angela said, and she was right; Alice looked a lot like her. She had the same eyes and the exact same hair color, and if I’d not known better, I would’ve sworn it was a little baby Angela I was looking at.
Angela and Brian were wonderful helpers with the little baby.
They helped change her diapers, and almost fought over being the one to feed her, or sing for her when we put her to bed for the night.
Alice loved when Angela sang for her, and she always fell asleep faster if she heard the soft tones of Angela’s voice – especially if Angela sang the song she had written for her.
All in all, we were a happy family for a long time.
Until I started feeling sick again. I knew I always felt a bit sick the first weeks or months when I was pregnant, so I took a test, and of course it was positive. I showed the test to Ian, and he smiled at me.
“If we’re going to have even more children than this one, we must soon be looking for a bigger house,” he said with a smile. “I don’t say I don’t want to have more babies, because I really do, but we only have one spare bedroom left when Alice moves out of the baby-room.”
“I know,” I said, ”but I think four children are almost more than we can handle. More babies and we almost have our own football team.” We both laughed.
Alice, crawling around at the floor, looked up at us with a puzzled face, wondering what her parents might be laughing about, and the weird look in her face made us laugh even more.
But after two months, the morning sickness had gotten out of hand. I wasn’t hungry at all, and I just lay on the couch or in my bed all the time, feeling really ill.
I’d felt sick when I went with Alice, but not this sick. Ian started worrying, but I just told him it was nothing to worry about, that it was just the morning sickness, and probably the flu, too. Alice had come home from the day care with a bad flu the week before, and, well, the flu wasn’t something to worry about.
But it only got worse. Four days later, Ian found me unconscious on the floor with a high fever, and was unable to wake me up. He called for an ambulance, and they got me to the hospital in a hurry.
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Theraven:
I was delirious for three whole days, and had bad nightmares and fever fantasies all the time. The doctors worried about me, and ran a lot of tests. When I finally came to myself again, I found Ian sleeping in a chair next to my bed.
I didn’t want to wake him, so I just lay there, thinking. To be back at the hospital brought back bad memories. Those bad memories from twelve years back, when the hospital was like my second home.
The door opened, and Ian almost jumped when he woke up. “Anna. You’re awake!” He turned around.
The doctor I knew so well now was standing in the door, looking solemn, and for all the world like he didn’t want to say whatever he’d come to say.
“I’m afraid I’ve got bad news. I wish I could say anything else, but I can’t. The leukemia is back.”
I wanted to scream. I wanted to say he was wrong. I wanted to throw something across the room in frustration. But I just lay there. A tear ran down my cheek.
“Are you sure?” I managed to say, in spite of the big lump in my throat.
“I’m afraid so. You’re immune system is working at a minimum again, and the flu you’ve got is magnified by ten from what is normal – and now you’ve got phneumonia. We can’t risk anything, so I’m afraid we have to isolate you. No visitors, except your husband. We have to discuss the treatments afterwards.”
I cried for over an hour.
It couldn’t be happening again. Not now, when my life was so perfect. It just couldn’t. But no matter how much I wanted this to be just another bad nightmare; I knew it was for real. Not being able to see my children was the worst of it. They were with one of our neighbors – a good friend of ours that also had kids – when Ian was at the hospital. I felt my belly. At least one of them was there with me in the isolation room. The doctor had insured the baby was just fine. I was four months pregnant now.
Ian sat there with me all the time while we waited for the doctor to come back. He tried to comfort me, but it didn’t help. I felt worse than ever. Then the doctor came in. He didn’t look happy.
“I’m afraid we have to start the treatment as soon as possible. Well, you know what you have to go through, and you obviously know how hard it will be, so I’m not going to tell you that once more.”
“What about the baby? Will it be hurt?”
His almost pained expression told me everything.
“NO!” I couldn’t hold back the scream. “My baby…” I stroked my belly. They couldn’t. They just couldn’t! “I’m not going to do anything that will hurt the baby, do you hear me? Nothing!” The tears flowed down my cheeks.
“Can’t the treatment wait? Just until the baby is born?”
“I’m afraid that might be difficult. You need treatment right now. We can’t wait much longer. You’ll only get sicker, and when the baby is out, it might be too late. The cancer might have spread too much.”
“You can at least try!”
The doctor stood silent for a long time. Finally, he sighed, and said: “We can try. If you’re absolutely sure, that is. You’re in the fourth month already, and the baby at least needs three, maybe four more months more to grow. But I can’t guarantee anything. I just want you to be aware of that if we wait with the treatment until after the baby is out, it might be too late for you to get well again. It can also be dangerous for the baby. Just think it through, will you?” He left.
Ian tried to talk sense with me, but I didn’t listen.
This baby deserved a chance of life, and as far as we knew, nothing was wrong with him, or her. Ian finally gave up, and admitted that he, too, of course wanted the baby to live. But he also said he wanted the children to keep their mother. I didn’t say anything. I wanted that, too.
Theraven:
I had to stay at the hospital until the baby was born. When I got well again from the pheunomenia, two weeks later, the children were allowed to visit me briefly. I almost cried with joy. I hadn’t seen them since I got to the hospital, and they were of course really happy to see me too.
“Mommy ill?” little Alice asked, tears flowing down her cheeks.
“Yes, dear, Mommy is ill. Mommy has to stay at the hospital a little while longer. You understand?”
“Want Mommy home!” she cried, and threw her little arms around me. It wasn’t easy for her to understand, since she was only sixteen months old, and not used to me being away from her.
I hugged all of them, and told them I would come home when I was well again. I hoped I was right.
Days went past. Weeks. Months. I felt worse every day, and not only because of the pregnancy.
I could almost feel the cancer spreading in my body, and I think my wild fantasy got a bit out of hands. Sometimes, the baby kicked like mad, but I calmed down when it did. Then I knew it was still alive. When I couldn’t feel the baby move inside me, I worried.
What if it got sick in there? What if I had done the wrong choice? What if…? There was a whole list of what-if’s. A whole list of them that repeated in my head over and over again every time I was alone. But luckily, Ian was with me most of the time.
Then the diary from when I was younger came to my mind. I asked if I could borrow a lap-top, and sat down in front of it. I tried opening the page I’d been using before, but it didn’t excist anylonger. Well, it was a long time ago since I’d used it the last time, so I understood why. I started searching for a site where I could let out my inner thoughts again, and found one not long after. I signed up, and started looking at what other people had written.
I remembered the last time I had written something in the first diary. It was the day after Ian had proposed. I’d been so happy and filled with joy that I’d forgotten to write anything since. Now was the time to do something about it. I started writing. I told my story, from beginning to end, from the day I got sick last time, and up until this day. About my disease, my husband, my children and my situation right now. It felt good to finally let it all out, and to tell someone other than my family about my thoughts. I got a lot of responses. They all wished the best for me, and every answer I got lifted my mood a bit. When I stopped reading, I was smiling. I told Ian about the site, and also gave him my password, just in case. I wanted him to share the site with me, and told him that he also could use it if he wanted to.
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part 2: S.O.S
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I was sitting by one of the windows, looking out on the moon. I couldn’t sleep. I felt really sick, and the little one in my belly was being awfully quiet.
He’d been kicking like mad for two whole days, now – but all of a sudden, I didn’t feel anything. Tears were running down my cheeks.
“Why aren’t you moving?” I whispered. “Come on… just a little bit? To calm down mommy?” the baby didn’t respond. Suddenly, I felt a sharp pain in my belly, and it was not the baby kicking.
I tried to stand up, but when I moved, I felt it again, only stronger. I tried to get to my bed, but the pain was suddenly so intense that my sight blurred with coloured spots, and I couldn’t see anything at all.
“Help… me… some…one…” it came out in a hoarse whisper. I fumbled for the button that would call for the doctors, but my hand found only air.
It finally hit a vase of flowers that crashed onto the floor. A wave of nausea hit me, but I didn’t manage to get anything up.
I could feel it in my throat, slowly suffocating me. I tried to draw a breath, but it felt impossible.
My legs turned to jelly, and I fell on the floor.
I heard a careful knock on the door, and a soft creak when someone opened it.
“Everything all right in here? I heard the noise, and… Oh my...!” someone in a hospital pajama came running towards me.
Whoever it was, turned me on my side, and I could finally breathe again, but only barely. He pressed the emergency button, and seconds later, several doctors came running into the room.
“I found her like this,” the man said.
The doctors tried asking me questions, but my lungs were in a bad state for me to say anything. My vision darkened by the loss of oxygen.
“I think it’s the baby,” I heard a doctor say, while another pressed an oxygen mask to my face.
“It looks like she’s near to loosing it. She's bleeding, and the baby's heartbeat is weakening. We need to get it out now!”
I tried to say something, but suddenly, I couldn’t hold on to my counciousness any longer, and it all went dark.
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