I went back to the hospital the next moring,and Matthew was still asleep.I knew he probably didn't get much rest with all the tests they were running on him,so I didn't wake him.I just sat down and looked and him and thought about what an amazing little boy he was.
I was thinking about how I'd went throught this when he was a baby,and how hard it was.It was like that now,but worse.I remebered how lonely life was before I had been blessed with him,and the joy and love I had felt the moment we met.I heard of love at first sight,but I don't think this is what it referrs to.
After a while,a doctor walked in and told me that there was still a couple of tests left to run,but I could hold him today.We talked for a while,and he told me that Matthew was an incredible boy.I alredy knew that,but I thanked him.I guess he was trying to make me feel more comfortable,and I really did need it.
The doctor said that he had to wake Matt up and take him to be fed and that he'd be back soon.
After droping Matthew off in the cafeteria,the doctor came back.
"I didn't want to say this in front of Matthew,but the test results didn't come out like we wanted them to.Your son is very ill,and we think he may have an early stage of cancer.We can't really put him through strong kemo at this age,and we don't really know how much longer he will live."
My heart dropped.What did he mean "we don't know how long he'll live".He had to live!I need him.Without Matt,my life would be destroyed.The doctor left,and I burst into tears,but my crying was interrupted by a noise at the door.
It was Matthew."Why daddy sad"he asked, his voice full of worry."Oh nothing sweetie,daddys ok.""Daddy don't be sad,"he sad reaching out for a hug."Ok sweetie, I'll be happy now.""I love you daddy""I love you too honey"
He gave me a little kiss,and a nurse came in to take Matt to the hospital playroom.I sat in his hospital room for a while staring at the now empty incubator,wondering if it would end up like that forever.
I drove home and started crying again as soon as I was in my room.I didn't even make it to my bed,I just collapsed onto the floor and stayed there for the rest of the night.I couldn't sleep when Matts life was on the line.
