1001 things I've learned from watching horror movies

[Katie]

339) if you are in a wax museum and one figurine looks very much like the person it was modeled after, or like a person at all for that matter get the hell out of that place.

340) when it's dark and quiet, make it light and loud. Things don't try to kill you as often then.

[CaptainRC]

341. Never let your nerdy friend buy a classic car with a feminine name.  And if he does, and the local bullies destroy it beyond repair, and yet it is miraculously and perfectly restored soon after... be afraid.  Be very afraid.

342.  If you run a successful, self-employed, heavily insured construction business, and your loving wife with the handsome doctor friend suddenly develops an interest in puffer fish livers... hire a divorce lawyer!

343.  And if you are the aforementioned "loving" wife who just poisoned your husband with the puffer fish liver extract...
            a.  Make sure that you gave him enough to kill him.
            b.  Don't skimp on the embalming process.
            c.  And don't have him buried in a cheap, flimsy casket.

[madbutterfly]

344. Never try to prove an old, creepy superstition wrong as you will undoubtedly prove it to be right in the process.

345. If you have a bad feeling about something, never dismiss it as nothing.

[DaSpecial1]

346. If the thing that's coming to kill you follows you to the police station and the officer at the desk won't take you seriously, don't stand there in a trance as half the station gets eaten dummy--run!

[Hullabaloo]

347-Keep your cell charged always.

348-If you see a scarecrow, burn it.

349-Don’t bleach your hair. Fake blondes use to die first.

350-Check the backseat of your car before you get in.

351-Before you open your closet, take an uzi and fire until you are sure that’s there was nothing but clothes inside. It's an expensive habit but safe.


352-Choose carefully what stereotype you want to belong. Preps die first. Goths, punks and rockers, for instance, usually last a bit longer. Nerds and geeks are a good option if you want to die the latest, but if you do want to survive be the freak.


353-Do not trust guys who talk a lot about their mommas.

354-If you have to stay in a motel, don’t use the bathroom. Whether you need to pee, poo or have a shower do not go there. Dirty pants are better than a dirty grave.

355-Never say, for instance:
  •   'Hello? /Is anybody there? / Yoohoo?'
  •   'We are gonna die'
  •   'I don’t believe that crap'
  •   'I buy UNICEF cards at Christmas, give blood every week and donated all my organs in order to save orphan's lives.'
  •   'Aaaaaw! What a cutie little girl!'
  •   'Lorna is a beetch, that’s why I made out with her boyfriend.'
  •   'Let’s go to the spa!'
  •   'Bloody Mary'. Instead say 'daughter of Henry VIII and Catherine of Aragon' or 'cocktail containing vodka, tomato juice, and usually other spices or flavorings'. Depends on the situation and where you are.
  •   'Keep running! I’ll distract them!'

357-Shoot first, ask later. No matter if you killed the wrong person just be sure that you finish him/her/them off.

[duranna]

358 If a huge bum is standing in your cornfield and doesn't reply when you yell at him, instead of beating the crap out of him for no reason, just let him be. He WILL come back to kill you.

359 If you find out the corpse of the man/creature that has tried to kill you has gone missing, do NOT stay in the same city where it all happened!

[DaSpecial1]

  @355: 'daughter of Henry VIII and Catherine of Aragon' or 'cocktail containing vodka, tomato juice, and usually other spices or flavorings'.

*357.b. If you do kill an innocent person in error, perform whatever ritual you need to in order to free their soul and/or keep them from coming back angry.
****

360. Make sure no one dies after getting pissed off. (call me late but I just saw all three American version releases of "The Grudge" for the first time  

361. P'O'd dead people don't really understand forgiveness.

362. Don't stand in one spot and scream while the thing slowly creeps towards you. If you're going to do that you might as well walk over to it and let it get you right away--get it over with already.

363. If you do get caught in the grip of a vicious, unrelenting curse, be considerate--keep it in the the house, area, region, or at least the general hemisphere that you got it from.

364. Angry ghosts only kill you when you separate!! Stay in the same room for pete's sake! Geez...

365. Gotta say this again: What's with the falling on your butt and scooting yourself into a corner in fear? Gah! Look if the thing is slowly crawling towards you, what are you bringing yourself down to it's level for? You must have a hidden death wish.

366. Making a living draining evil from others ah it's a living.  I guess somebody has to do it.  Pouring the drained vileness into your kid---sure that won't have any repercussions, forget about it.

[PoppieSkat]

367. When getting into a car to run away, LOCK THE DOORS .. otherwise they can just drag yuou out of the car.

368. When the weird freaky kid is coming for you .. why run? I mean he's puny just smash his face in or give him a good kick.

369. With baddy in pursuit .. there is no reason to run up to the church doors and shout for help/ sanctuary because the doors are locked.

370. When you're just about to be killed, don't forget to ask for your last wish .. you only get it once after all.

[Hullabaloo]

371-Make sure that you carry not only a catholic cross in your vamp-repellent kit but all sort of religious symbols. You never know what kind of religion he/she used to practice before h/s changed. I.e.: The Star of David doesn’t work on a Buddhist, only on jewish vamps, so use a Buddhist Wheel of Dharma. Note: If the vampire was an atheist you are scr-beep-wd.

372-Catholic churches are always full of dangerous creatures (don’t misunderstand me, I’m talking about zombies, demons -from the underworld-, “lickers”...) but nobody knows about mosques, synagogues or Shintoists temples. You can give them a try.

373-If you know that the psycho is close don’t run or hide, pretend that you are already dead and pray to God that he doesn’t feel like finishing you off. This technique also works with wild bears.

374-Do not read ancient leather books, written in latin or another old language, out loud. You could be reading The Gallic Wars by Julius Cesar as well as some sort of satanic ritual in order to summon a hunch of blood-thirsty demons.

375-If a werewolf is about to attack you, don’t run, they love chasing humanburgers. Just lie down on your back, pee on your pants and show your bare neck as an act of submission. If it works with dogs and wolves it could do it with weres.

376-Rednecks are cannibals. Avoid them

[SenkoTwiik]

377. If you encounter such redneck mutants in the desert, don't worry. Chances are, one of the female mutants will think your son is sexy and will try to save everyone.

378. If you're facing an evil being with the ability to shapeshift, PLEASE don't be stupid enough to believe your long lost husband, mom, or other family member has suddenly come over for a visit. It's the monster, don't open the damn door!

[Hullabaloo]

379-(Regarding to rule 377) Do not go to rednecks wedding receptions. No matter if you are the groom's mother/father. You'll serve as the main course because either uncle Billy Donny Ray or granny Martha Mae "Hattie" think you are yummy .

[DaSpecial1]

380. If you're walking in the woods and hear banjo music, run!

381. Dinosaurs really love human snacks.

382. Small guns really have no effect on huge creatures idiots. If you plan on traveling to where they live, increase your weapon strength by at least 60 %.

383. If your friend says she's starving & normal food makes her vomit instantly, be suspicious. (she's either pregnant or possessed, or both.

384. If said friend pukes & the puke is black and crawls around your floor, don't suggest going to the ER.

[SenkoTwiik]

385. Blonde girls with unnaturally green eyes are bad news.

386. Blonde girls with southern accents are bad news.

387. Double tap, very important.

388. If you have a pool, chances are you, your parent, your friend, or your pet will end up floating face down in it.

389. Never try to sneak into the suspected killer's house to prove your suspicions...always trouble.

[Ruffnut]

390. If there is something under the bed, you MUST look there. maybe it's candy?
391. Even if you are stabbed so many times that you lost unnatural ammounts of blood, you still manage to survive and breathe out I love you or something like that...
392. Even if the killer gets stuffed to capacity with bullets, falls of the cliff, float int he river and get cast a shore few days later, he is still alive. Squirrels help him heal aparently.
393. No one realizes that the garbage bags aren't garbage...
394. Closet is the best place to hide, because it is the last place they look for.
395. Windows are always closed and they always have metal bars, or nailed shut.
396. If you are peacefully having sex, you will get killed. Remember children: Sex kills!
397. Killer always had troubled past.
398. killer is always disfigured.
399. Killer is mostly male. Rarely chick decided to go on rampage because she is having real bad time of a month this time a year. Or he boyfriend dumped her...
400. if you are a girl that sleeps around and has big boobs, they won't help you today. okey, maybe they deflect stab or two, but they deflate eventually...

[Astraea Nevermore]

401. In case of alien invasion, running around the city to escape from aliens is totally useless. The only thing you have to do is wait for the American Army to come and save the world with their cool helicopters and stuff.

402. ...However, the American Army will come only at the end of the movie, when all of your friends are already dead.

403. ...Oh, and you might be dead too.

404. Remember that 'stupid legend' they told you during last Halloween party? It's true.

405. Never let your cute little dog go in the garden alone at night, 'cos it's the perfect way to get your poor puppy killed in some really cruel way.

406. DO. NOT. WASH. YOURSELF. Psychos love killing their victims in the bathroom. If you're a girl and you're having a shower, you can consider yourself dead.

407. Stay away from orphanages, convents, hostels and hotels in general.

408. ...Also, forget about camping, especially if you're a teenager.