1001 things I've learned from watching horror movies

[screechingvilnce]

447. Humpin' in an abandoned cabin in the woods while a supernatural killer is loose is the equivalent of bleeding while swimming with the sharks: IT AIN'T GONNA BE PRETTY!!!
448. Reading and speaking out ancient tongues from a decaying book might raise the dead and all the evil spirits of the woods.
449. If you're a prostitute or the town slut, you're screwed, and not in the way that earns you your coin or pleasure.
450. If it stars Shaq or Hannah Montana, the movie's gonna be scary, even if it's a family film.
451. Even the guy you think is gonna live winds up getting chopped in half in a swamp

[minigilesstylr]

452. If someone suggest touring an abandoned laboratory, jail, or a house were some terrible murder happened, slap said person and leave immediately.

453. If the love interest of a member of your group is definitively dead and that person swears they hear or see said dead lover/spouse and is willing to hurt other members of the group to get the dead person, let them go if possible and barricade the entrances so they can't get back in, saves time and more a more valuable members of the group.

454. Even if there is only one weapons expert everyone should have a weapon and ammo because if that person is killed, improvising or searching for supplies wastes time you could be using to run.

455. If you are in a well lit area don't go toward the dark places, there is a reason the murderer isn't where you are.

[Virtual_Petz]

456. If a St. Bernard is growling at you while you're emptying garbage,never ask it why it's growling at you,Just run into the house,grab a shotgun that has bullets in it,and shoot the dog before it rips through your screen door and kills you.

[screechingvilnce]

457: Virgins can die now, so live it up, hookers!
458: If you work for a bank or loan office, give the nasty gypsy woman the extension, or suffer the hell curse she unleashes on you
459: If you're in a Sam Raimi film that ISN'T spider-man, and you happen to be the main character, you're STILL doomed!
460: Don't ever go to New Orleans (unnabridged: zombies, deformed hillbilly killers, Parisian vampires, snakes inhabited by the spirits of devils, deadly and vengeful spirits, et al...)
461: Lawnmower plus zombies equals ballroom of gore

[Stelio Kontos]

462. You're half of a couple looking to adopt a child. Into the room you're sitting in comes a sweet little girl with black hair named Esther. Stand up, turn around, and run away screaming....wait, that was already used.....anyway, if your car gets a flat tire and a German surgeon specializing in seperating conjoined twins offers you the chance to stay at his place for the night, refuse the offer, then run away at full speed.

[screechingvilnce]

463. You can have violent, neck snapping sex if your lover happens to be a regenerative creature
464. Double bitted hatchets are REALLY sharp
465. If you lynch it, it will kill (Candyman, Hatchet, Nightmare on Elm Street, ...)
466. If the weird kid wins prom king or queen, get the hell out of there now!
467. Vampires have a weird blur that follow them.

[DaSpecial1]

466. If the weird kid wins prom king or queen, get the hell out of there now!

466.a. or at least congratulate them nicely (then leave quietly) if you want to live.


468. If you are running from something evil there will always be someone who tells you to relax and wants you to take a sedative, slap them and get going. They will stick the sedative in your drink if you hang around.

469. If it's a Doctor telling you this watch out! He's coming with an injection to either relax you completely (muscles included) or put you to sleep.

insipration from watching "Child's Play" this weekend:

470. If there is someone chasing you with a HUGE knife and you run to a house/room etc., don't close the door behind you and then lean on the door sighing with relief...they can stab through the door you know.

471. If they are stabbing through the door with the gianormous knife it's probably not a good idea to try grabbing it--unless you have steel fingers.

472. If the thing chasing you is 25 inches tall stand up and kill it!  Never get down to the level of the thing that's attacking you.

[screechingvilnce]

472. If the attacker is less than half your size, step on it!
473. If you think you've seen it before, you're probably in a bad remake (_{god i hated Nightmare On Elm Street!   )}
474. If your friend start complaining about chest pains, kill them, and then set their bodies on fire. _{(A L I E N)}
475. If your skin doesn't crawl, then it's probably on too tight!
476. Tom Cruise in a blonde poofy wig and large fangs is scary, but Tom Cruise in general is a walking horror movie!

EDIT: Sorry caffeinated.joy, minor slip-up. it won't happen again, i swear it

[caffeinated.joy]

We interrupt your game for a friendly Administrative reminder and threatening wave of the Mighty Pool Noodle of Justice:

Screechingvilnce, we are a pg-13 forum, here. Please watch the language.

We now return you to your regularly scheduled forum game.

[SenkoTwiik]

477. Tom Cruise is a Scientologist, hence, he can solve any problem.
478. The only reason there is ever a sequel to any horror movie is the fact that Chuck Norris was not in the first one. Period.
479. People in horror movies always dial their phones in one of two ways.
        a. they press the buttons using only their thumbs
        b. They dial like they have something wrong with their head, by pressing the buttons with their index finger, and each button they press, they have to take their hand at least 12 inches away from the phone before pressing the next button.

[DaSpecial1]

478. The only reason there is ever a sequel to any horror movie is the fact that Chuck Norris was not in the first one. Period.

479. People in horror movies always dial their phones in one of two ways.
        a. they press the buttons using only their thumbs
        b. They dial like they have something wrong with their head, by pressing the buttons with their index finger, and each button they press, they have to take their hand at least 12 inches away from the phone before pressing the next button.

480. Method B of dialing comes in handy if Freddy is after you...his phones like to lick ya.

[TheDreamer]

481: Steer clear of gynecologists - they will not hesitate!!!

[SenkoTwiik]

482. The sound of dripping water is always privy to horrible, horrible things happening.
483. If your food tastes funny, don't ignore it. Stop eating right now, because it's HUMAN! That's what that exotic flavor is. HUMAN!! You're going to spit out a wedding ring or an unprocessed thumb if you take one more bite.
484. The haggard woman that insists that the spices are making the beef or pork have that flavor is a liar. Hit her in the mouth, report her to the cops, and never look back.

[screechingvilnce]

485. If he's handsome, charming, and successful, he probably has a few heads in the freezer.
486. Sparkly vampires burst into flames in sight of Chuck Norris.
487. If the guy at the front door says he's the handyman, and you never called for one, lock and load baby!
488. You know you're in a Rob Zombie movie if everyone has the characteristics of white trash hillbillies, even the children.
489. There wasn't THAT many corpses in that house
490. If you're a cute gay guy at a halloween parade, and the shirtless hunk in the devil mask is eying you, chances are he wants to kill you

[SenkoTwiik]

LOL at 489.
True, there is NO way that many dead folks could fit in that house.