Clean Jokes

[Stelio Kontos]

There once was an X from place B,Who satisfied predicate P,The X did thing A,In an adjective way,Resulting in circumstance C.

[nikkidanielle]

This is one I had to tell in spanish class years ago:

Two mental patients Tom and Bill are in a room when the doctor walks in. The doctor sees that Tom is making funny motions while Bill is hanging upside down from the ceiling. The doctor approaches Tom and asks, "What are you doing?"
Tom replies, "What does it look like I'm doing? I'm sawing wood!"
"Oh," says the doctor. He points to Bill. "What is he doing?"
"That's my friend Bill," said Tom. "He's crazy. He thinks he's a lightbulb!"
The doctor sees that Bill is starting to turn really red in the face. He says to Tom, "If he is your friend, why won't you help him down?"
Tom stops sawing, looks at the doctor and says, "And work in the dark?!"

[Katie]

^ that was. AMAZING!

I laughed out loud!

[Nonni]

oh, oh - ho! ho! ho! I have to share that with some other friends
Thanks for a great chuckle!

[Stelio Kontos]

How many people of a specific ethnicity or social group does it take to do a specific task?


A finite amount. One to perform the task, the others to act in a manner stereotypical of their group or ethnicity.

[Theraven]

A man has wandered around in the desert for days. His water has run low, and he is near collapsing.
When he is just about to give up, he sees a person coming towards him. A sheik.
"Water..." he mutters, and falls face down in the sand.
The sheik stands there looking at him for a few moments, shaking his head.
"You can find water in the tap over there," he says, pointing. "Now get out of my son's sandbox!"

[Nonni]

[Ruffnut]

My dad told me this one a while back

Wolf and Rabbit didn't agree on something, so to settle their differences, Rabbit says," Who ever knocks more teeth out of another wins!" Wolf agrees and let's Rabbit go first. POW! Wolf falls down and spit out the teeth," How many?" Rabbit asked.
" Thirty four..." Wolf mumbled. Pow he hits the Rabbit," How many?"
" Four!" Rabbit mumbles.
" Why four?" Wolf asks.
" I only have four!" Replied the Rabbit.

This one, I read in the joke book my grandmother has. I gotta ask my mom to send to me( that is if she still want to talk to me because of the divorce issue)

Husband leaves on the business trip. While he is away his wife invites three of her guy friends. Husband comes home a day earlier and his wife panics. She hide three guys in the  canvas bags and sets them outside on the balcony. Husband goes out in the balcony for a smoke and sees the bags," What are those?" he asks.
" Oh my mother came over from country side and brought some things..." His wife answers. Husband kicks one bag.
" Oink Oink!" Bag replies.
" Aha, a pig, we shall make kebab out of you!" Husband says as he kicks another bag.
" Meeeh!" Bag replies.
" A lamb! We will make stew out of you..." he kicks the third bag. Silence. Kicks it again. Silence. Kicks it third time. Still silence. He kicks it forth time and bag yells," Idiot, if its silent, it means it's potatoes!"

[Nonni]

A guy is driving around the back woods of Montana and he sees a sign in front of a broken down shanty-style house: 'Talking Dog For Sale ' He rings the bell and the owner appears and tells him the dog is in the backyard.

The guy goes into the backyard and sees a nice looking Labrador retriever sitting there.

'You talk?' he asks.

'Yep,' the Lab replies.

After the guy recovers from the shock of hearing a dog talk, he says 'So, what's your story?'

The Lab looks up and says, 'Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA. In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping.'

'I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running. But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals.' 'I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired.'

The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.

'Ten dollars,' the guy says.

'Ten dollars? This dog is amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?'

'Because he's a liar. He never did any of that stuff.

[soulofthesea]

There's a magician on a cruise ship, and the captain always came to the show every night, and brought this parrot he had every night. The parrot would always ruin the show for the magician saying things like, "He put it in his hat! Bwark!" "It's in his sleeve! Bwark!"

The magician hated this bird. One night, the magician snapped, and pulled out a gun to kill the parrot. The parrot dodged the bullet, which hits a propane tank, and the ship blows up into a million pieces. The only survivors where the magician and the parrot floating on this piece of the ship, and the parrot goes, "Alright, I give up. Where's the ship?"

[Nonni]

I am stealing this one.

[Paden]

Meanwhile, I am stealing that smiley while Sweet Sue bleaches Black Bart into Gandalf the Grey...

[kaoz666]

There once was a girl from Gent...

Who's nose was slightly bent...

One day I suppose, she followed her nose...

Cuz nobody "nose" where she went.

[Nonni]

A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds.

After explaining the commandment to 'honour' thy Father and thy Mother, she asked, 'Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?'

Without missing a beat one little boy (the oldest of a family) answered, 'Thou shall not kill.'

**************************************************************************************

A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales.
 
The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it was a very large mammal its throat was very small.

The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale.

Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it was physically impossible.

The little girl said, 'When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah'.

The teacher asked, 'What if Jonah went to hell?'

The little girl replied, 'Then you ask him'.

[Jenna]

A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds.

After explaining the commandment to 'honour' thy Father and thy Mother, she asked, 'Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?'

Without missing a beat one little boy (the oldest of a family) answered, 'Thou shall not kill.'

Hah! My grandfather once told that joke to my sisters and I once after we had been arguing over something. Amused me to no end.

...and sadly, I don't have any clean jokes to add, since, well...I don't know any that are appropriate for this forum.