Clean Jokes

[Nonni]

My mom made all 5 us us kids wash dishes. When my oldest brother got married he told his new wife he would be willing to do any household chore except dishwashing.

Have I shared this one yet?

[caffeinated.joy]

The only dishwasher I have is me, so yeah, I always clean them by hand.

[Jenna]

I have an awesome dishwasher. Actually, two. They're called my roommates.

[Paden]

I'm back to doing them by hand and once in awhile my son-in-law lends a hand. Oh well, at least by being the one that does them most of the time, I get to choose the dish soap! I like the ones that smell nice and work great and don't eat the skin off of my hands...

[Nonni]

This is a true story:

A little kindergarten girl was asked by her teacher what religion she belonged to. She went home and asked her dad, an old salty sailor.

The next day in class the teacher asked her if she found out what religion she was and she said, "I'm a prostitute."

[caffeinated.joy]

Paddy and Murphy are in a forest and they spot a sign saying, "TREE FELLERS WANTED", Paddy says to Murphy "Shame there's only two of us"

[Nonni]

  - good one, Joy. I'm stealing it!

[Stinkerbella]

When I was a young minister, a funeral director asked me to hold a grave side service for a homeless man with no family or friends. The funeral was to be at a cemetery way out in the country. This was a new cemetery and this man was the first to be laid to rest there.

I was not familiar with the area and became lost. Being a typical man, of course, I did not ask for directions. I finally found the cemetery about an hour late. The back hoe was there and the crew was eating their lunch. The hearse was nowhere to be seen.

I apologized to the workers for being late. As I looked into the open grave, I saw the vault lid already in place. I told the workers I would not keep them long, but that this was the proper thing to do. The workers, still eating their lunch, gathered around the opening.

I was young and enthusiastic and poured out my heart and soul as I preached. The workers joined in with, "Praise the Lord," "Amen," and "Glory!" I got so into the service that I preached and preached and preached, from Genesis to The Revelation.

When the service was over, I said a prayer and walked to my car. As I opened the door, I heard one of the workers say, "I never saw anything like that before and I've been putting in septic systems for twenty years."

*wanted to add one more joke*

Susie's husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months. Things looked grim, but she was by his bedside every single day. One day as he slipped back into consciousness, he motioned for her to come close to him. She pulled the chair close to the bed and leaned her ear close to be able to hear him.

"You know" he whispered, his eyes filling with tears, "you have been with me through all the bad times. When I got fired, you stuck right beside me. When my business went under, there you were. When we lost the house, you were there. When I got shot, you stuck with me. When my health started failing, you were still by my side. "And you know what?"

"What, dear?" she asked gently, smiling to herself.

"I think you're bad luck."

[Nonni]

If My Body Were a Car

This is just too funny - scary how true it is!!


 
IF MY BODY WERE A CAR...
If my body were a car, this is the time I would be thinking
about trading it in for a newer model. I've got bumps and dents
and scratches in my finish and my paint job is getting a little dull ..
But that's not the worst of it.
My headlights are out of focus and it's especially hard to see things up close.
My traction is not as graceful as it once was.
I slip and slide and skid and bump into things even in the best of weather.
My whitewalls are stained with varicose veins.
It takes me hours to reach my maximum speed.
My fuel rate burns inefficiently.
But here's the worst of it --


 
Almost every time I sneeze, cough or sputter, either my radiator leaks or my exhaust backfires!
 
 

[soulofthesea]

Have y'all heard of dihydrogen oxide? Apparently, it's this deadly gas that causes instant death to humans and animals when inhaled. Like, blink-of-an-eye instant death. It also can cause severe tissue damage due to prolonged exposure when it is in it's solid form. Some power and automotive plants and factories have not considered this deadly gas to be a death hazard.

Fifty people were asked to say "yes" or "no" on Proposition 17, a bill that, when passed, will ban dihydrogen oxide from all power plants, automotive plants, and factories. Forty-seven people voted yes to the proposition, two people were undecided, and one person voted no. Why?




"Dihydrogen oxide is another name for water!"

[Nonni]

Excellent - I have used that repeatedly and it is a big hit! Thanks.

Here is an oldie but goodie:

A pirate walked into a bar he hadn't been to in some time.
The bartender said, "Hey, what happened? You look terrible."
"What do you mean?" said the pirate, "I feel fine."
"What about the wooden leg? You didn't have that before."
"Well," said the pirate, "We were in a battle, and I got hit with a cannon ball, but I'm fine now."
The bartender replied, "Well, OK, but what about that hook? What happened to your hand?"
The pirate explained, "We were in another battle. I boarded a ship and got into a sword fight.
My hand was cut off and I got fitted with a hook, but I'm fine, really."
"What about that eye patch?"
"Oh," said the pirate, "One day we were at sea, and a flock of birds flew over. I looked up, and one of them pooped in my eye."
"You're kidding, right?" said the bartender. "You couldn't lose an eye just from bird poop."
The pirate replied "It was my first day with the hook."

[tallsimsfan77]

Wanna hear a dirty joke?  Bob got muddy after working in the garden.
Wanna hear a clean joke?  Bob took a bath with Bubbles.
Wanna hear a dirty joke?  Bubbles is bob's neighbor.

[Nonni]

Noooooooooo! 

[tallsimsfan77]

<image snip>
Noooooooooo!  

But there is another clean joke.  Bob took a cold shower after that.

*Admin note: Please don't include the images in quoted text*

[Stinkerbella]

These are a few corny ones I ran across. 

Q. Why do sea-gulls fly over the sea?
A. Because if they flew over the bay they would be bagels!

Q. What did the water say to the boat?
A. Nothing, it just waved.

Q. Why don't skeletons fight each other?
A. They don't have the guts.

Q. What did the spider do on the computer?
A. Made a website!