Clean Jokes

[Nonni]

I am stealing this one, Stinker and putting it on SS2. Unless you want to?

[Nonni]

There I was sitting by myself at the bar staring at my untouched drink. Suddenly, a 6’ 8” tattooed biker steps up next to me and grabs my drink. He then grinned at me and gulped down my drink in one swig. "Well, whatcha gonna do about it?" he says, menacingly, as I burst into tears.
 "Come on, man," the biker says, "I didn't think you'd CRY. I just need to kick someone’s ass, not watch a grown man crying."
"This is the worst day of my life," I say. "I'm a complete failure. I was late to a meeting and my boss fired me. When I went to the parking lot, I found my car had been stolen and I don't have any insurance. I left my wallet in the cab I took home. I found my old lady in bed with the gardener, and then my dog bit me."

"So I came to this bar to work up the courage to put an end to it all, I buy a drink, I drop a capsule in and sit here watching the poison dissolve. Then you show up and drink the whole thing! But enough about me, how's your day going?"

[DaSpecial1]

[Stinkerbella]

LOL Nonni and go ahead steal away

[Nonni]

How to Install a Security System:

Works for me.....
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1. go to a secondhand store and buy a pair of mens size 14-16 workboots
 
2. place them on your front porch, along with a few copies of Guns and Ammo magazine
 
3. put a few giant dog dishes next to the boots and magazines
 
4. leave a note on your door that reads.....
 
Bubba,
 
Bertha, Duke, Slim and me went for more beer and ammo, be back in an hour. Don't mess with the pit bulls, they attacked the mailman this morning and messed him up pretty bad. I don't think Killer took part, but it was hard to tell with all the blood. Anyway I locked all four of 'em in the house, better wait outside, be right back.
 
Cooter

[soulofthesea]

Music Jokes

What's the difference between a violin and a fiddle?

No one minds if you spill beer on a fiddle.

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How do you make a cello sound beautiful?

Sell it and buy a violin.

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How long does a harp stay in tune?

About twenty minutes, or until someone opens a door.

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What do you get when you drop a piano at an army base?

A flat major.

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What key is the alto flute pitched in?

G, I really don't care either!

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What's the difference between a bad oboist and an SCUD missile?

A bad oboist can kill you.

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A zombie walked into a meat store looking for some brains for dinner. He looked at the selections:

Flute Brains, $1/lb
Tuba Brains, $10/lb
Percussion Brains, $5/lb

Then he saw a sign that read:
Clarinet Brains, $100/lb

He asked the butcher why clarinet brains were so expensive. The butcher replied, "Do you know how many clarinets you have to kill to get a pound of brains?"

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How many saxophonists does it take to change a lightbulb?

Five. One to actually do it, and four to contemplate how John Coltrane would've done it.

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How do trumpet players typically greet each other?

"Hi, I'm better than you!"

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What's the difference between a french horn section and a '57 Chevy?

You can tune a '57 Chevy.

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How do you know when there's a soprano at the door?

She can't find the key, and doesn't know when to come in.

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How many tenor jokes are there?

Only one, the rest are true.

[Nonni]

LOL - wicker humor.

[DaSpecial1]

A newlywed couple moves into their new house. One day the husband comes home from work and his wife says:

 "Honey, one of the pipes in the upstairs bathroom is leaking, could you fix it?"    Her husband replies: "What do I look like, Mr. Plumber?"


A few days go by then one morning wife says to her husband:

"Honey, the car won't start. Could you check it out?"  Her husband says: "What do I look like, Mr. Goodwrench?"


Another few days go by, and it's raining pretty hard and, as she is carrying the laundry, the wife sees a leak in the roof. Passing the living room she says to the husband lounging on the sofa:

"Honey, there's a leak on the roof! Can you please fix it?"   He replies: "What do I look like, Bob Vila?"

The very next day the husband comes home and the roof is fixed...and the plumbing and the car. He asks his wife what happened.

"Oh, I had a handyman come in and fix them," she responds.

"Great! How much is that going to cost me?" he says, smirking.

His wife says cheerfully:  "Not one cent. He said he'd do it for free if I either baked him a cake or slept with him."

"Uh, well, what kind of cake did you make?" asks the husband.

"What do I look like," she says, "Betty Crocker?"

[Nonni]

oh-a-ho-ho-ho

[Zooey]

  OK, that's a really good one!

[Theraven]

For all of those who (thinks they) love snow:
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The Diary of a Snow Shoveler

December 8
6:00 PM. It started to snow. The first snow of the season and the wife and I took our cocktails and sat for hours by the window watching the huge soft flakes drift down from heaven. It looked like a Grandma Moses Print. So romantic we felt like newlyweds again. I love snow!

December 9
We woke to a beautiful blanket of crystal white snow covering every inch of the landscape. What a fantastic sight! Can there be a more lovely place in the Whole World? Moving here was the best idea I've ever had. Shoveled for the first time in years and felt like a boy again. I did both our driveway and the sidewalks. This afternoon the snowplow came along and covered up the sidewalks and closed in the driveway, so I got to shovel again. What a perfect life.

December 12
The sun has melted all our lovely snow. Such a disappointment. My neighbor tells me not to worry, we'll definitely have a white Christmas. No snow on Christmas would be awful! Bob says we'll have so much snow by the end of winter, that I'll never want to see snow again. I don't think that's possible. Bob is such a nice man, I'm glad he's our neighbor.

December 14
Snow lovely snow! 8" last night. The temperature dropped to -20. The cold makes everything sparkle so. The wind took my breath away, but I warmed up by shoveling the driveway and sidewalks. This is the life!

The snowplow came back this afternoon and buried everything again. I didn't realize I would have to do quite this much shoveling, but I'll certainly get back in shape this way.

December 15
20 inches forecast. Sold my van and bought a 4x4 Blazer. Bought snow tires for the wife's car and 2 extra shovels. Stocked the freezer.

The wife wants a wood stove in case the electricity goes out. I think that's silly. We aren't in Alaska, after all.

December 16
Ice storm this morning. Fell on my butt on the ice in the driveway putting down salt. Hurt like heck. The wife laughed for one hour, which I think was very cruel.

December 17
Still way below freezing. Roads are too icy to go anywhere.

Electricity was off for 5 hours. I had to pile the blankets on to stay warm. Nothing to do but stare at the wife and try not to irritate her. Guess I should've bought a wood stove, but won't admit it to her. God I hate it when she's right. I can't believe I'm freezing to death in my own living room.

December 20
Electricity's back on, but had another 14" of the damn stuff last night. More shoveling. Took all day. Darn snowplow came by twice.

Tried to find a neighbor kid to shovel, but they said they're too busy playing hockey. I think they're lying. Called the only hardware store around to see about buying a snow blower and they're out. Might have another shipment in March. I think they're lying. Bob says I have to shovel or the city will have it done and bill me. I think he's lying.

December 22
Bob was right about a white Christmas because 13 more inches of the white crap fell today, and it's so cold it probably won't melt till August. Took me 45 minutes to get all dressed up to go out to shovel and then I had to poop. By the time I got undressed, pooped and dressed again, I was too tired to shovel. Tried to hire Bob who has a plow on his truck for the rest of the winter; but he says he's too busy. I think the jerk is lying.

December 23
Only 2" of snow today. And it warmed up to 0. The wife wanted me to decorate the front of the house this morning. What is she nuts!!! Why didn't she tell me to do that a month ago? She says she did but I think she's lying.

December 24
6". Snow packed so hard by snowplow, I broke the shovel. Thought I was having a heart attack. If I ever catch the man who drives that snowplow I'll drag him through the snow by his nose and beat him to death with my broken shovel. I know he hides around the corner and waits for me to finish shoveling and then he comes down the street at 100 miles an hour and throws snow all over where I've just been!

Tonight the wife wanted me to sing Christmas carols with her and open our presents, but I was too busy watching for the snowplow.

December 25
Merry -bleeping- Christmas! 20 more inches of the slop tonight. Snowed in. The idea of shoveling makes my blood boil. I hate the snow! Then the snowplow driver came by asking for a donation and I hit him over the head with my shovel. The wife says I have a bad attitude. I think she's a fricking idiot. If I have to watch "It's A Wonderful Life" one more time, I'm going to stuff her into the microwave.

December 26
Still snowed in. Why the heck did I ever move here? It was all HER idea. She's really getting on my nerves.

December 27
Temperature dropped to -30 and the pipes froze, plumber came after 14 hours of waiting for him, he only charged me $1400 to replace all my pipes.

December 28
Warmed up to above -20. Still snowed in. THE WITCH is driving me crazy!!!

December 29
10 more inches. Bob says I have to shovel the roof or it could cave in. That's the silliest thing I ever heard. How dumb does he think I am?

December 30
Roof caved in. I beat up the snow plow driver he is now suing me for a million dollars not only the beating I gave him but also for trying to shove the broken snow shovel up where the sun don't shine. The wife went home to her mother. 9" predicted.

December 31
I set fire to what's left of the house. No more shoveling.

January 8
Feel so good. I just love those little white pills they keep giving me. Why am I tied to the bed?

[DaSpecial1]

Ok, thanks for that Raven, you just curbed my (wistful longing) appetite for snow.

[Nonni]

An Irishman goes into the confessional box after years of being away from the Church.
There's a fully equipped bar with Guinness on tap. On the other wall is a dazzling array of the finest cigars and chocolates.

Then the priest comes in. "Father, forgive me, for it's been a very long time since I've been to confession, but I must first admit that the confessional box is much more inviting than it used to be."
 
The priest replies: "Get out. You're on my side.

[ChildofRenessaince]

Okay, the King was walking outside one day, when he noticed a peasant man that looked so familiar he had to stop and talk to him.

The likeness was remarkable... He had to ask him about his parentage. He knew they must be related somehow.

He then preceded to run down a very long list of relatives... but the man did not know any of them.

"Ah....", the King said half smirking, "...Was your mother, by any chance, a maid at the castle?"

"No..." replied the peasant, "but my father was the gardener!"

[Zooey]

Nerdy joke coming.

Two atoms walk into a bar. One of them says : "I've lost my electrons!". The other one responds: "Are you sure?". The first atom says : "I'm completely positive!"